It's Saturday Night and I ain't got nobody...

I'm sure I'm not the first person that thinks life should have a soundtrack. There are millions of songs out there that we humans have used to express the whole gamut of emotions. Right now, it is Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody...well not human anyway. There's a reason I have a dog and two cats. So I won't feel lonely. I don't think it's working though since I mostly just feel crazy for talking to them when I should be talking to another person.

I crave my weekends without kids like a drug addict. Time to reset, be by myself, not have the energy sucked out of me and to do what I want. It seems though that I spend the time either sleeping, hiding in the house or cleaning up and hoping it stays that way for longer than half an hour. And when it's dark and quiet, I can feel the loneliness creeping in. Of course that same loneliness spurs me to do something new or creative in my life, but I'd rather be boring and predictable with someone to snuggle up with at night.

I can say right now that the biggest thing keeping me from meeting someone is fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of falling for someone to have them disappoint me like so many others have. Last week in my study induced haze, I had a nightmare about a dread disease that was spreading through the population and would eventually kill off most of the adult population. People were supposed to drop dead without warning from this pandemic and there was no known cure. The response to this was drastic. People didn't want to endanger others by dropping dead in the middle of driving or operating heavy machinery or the like so they started determining how they would die. I watched as friends and family members got their affairs in order and then committed suicide in reaction to this upcoming plague. I could feel the sense of loss and emptiness that came over me as I heard about each one of them. I would not be able to talk to them again, no one would remember those shared memories with me again and that hope of one day getting together to do lunch or go over old times was killed as soon as they took their last breath.

I was worried about my kids as well. They said it wasn't affecting children, but I didn't want them at risk either. So I began to write letters to them, explaining what I was doing and what I hoped for each of them...and yes, telling them who got what. I had started each letter and was circling around on what to say exactly when it hit me. The epidemic was fear. Fear made those people die, not some airborne pathogen. And then I was so filled with sadness that my friends were gone for no reason.

Yes, I realize there is a wealth of symbolism and psychiatric significance to this dream. I am in a constant state of worry about something. Money, love, kids, food, work, traffic, cleaning, vacation, love, kids and money...that is what is going through my head at any given moment of the day. I know this dream stemmed from my fear of failing this test even though I had put more study time into this section of the CPA than any other I'd taken so far. Probably because I'd spent that much time studying, my fear was increased because it meant that even with studying if I failed, that would mean I just don't have IT! If I half assed the studying and passed then I am a genius, if I failed, it was because I didn't spend enough time studying. Now if I fail it, it's because I just don't have what it takes to get this thing done.

I also know that I have a tendency to look at the negative in my mind. I think I read somewhere that if I keep the negative in view, it lessens the disappointment when that eventually happens. I have got to stop thinking this way. In one of the thirty or so books I am currently reading or in some stage of finishing, I read that if you think about negative or let fear win, that is exactly what you will always get. Yes, I know that I can get t-shirts, bumper stickers and coffee mugs that tell me that too if I need to see it daily, but I think I'm finally where I need to be to make that switch from Negative Nancy to Positive Paula!

So tonight, I need to change the soundtrack to be more positive. Thank you Gloria Gaynor for my theme song "I will Survive"...because I will.

G'nite,

Annie