Ouch! In so many ways, ouch! I had my very first ski lesson this weekend. Sugar Mountain was busy making snow and Alex wanted to take snowboarding lessons. I figured it was time for me to try something new so I signed up for ski lessons as well. Well, make that a ski lesson. And it was the longest hour of my life. Who knew skiing was so painful? And forget trying to learn how to work the dang lift!!!! I couldn't stay upright for longer than 2 minutes...well except for climbing back up the 30 feet of slope where my lesson took place.
I fell at least 4 times and my mom asked me how my lesson in public humiliation went. I honestly didn't care if people saw me fall. I was trying to not break anything. On my first fall I did feel something pop in both my right hand and my right leg. After that it was about trying to not leave permanent damage. My instructor, Z-, was very helpful and encouraging, but the whole "Now, why do you think you fell?" line of questioning got a bit old. I fell because I lost my balance if you want to know the simple truth. Thirty four years of trying to not lean forward while going down hill rapidly on slicked up pieces of fiberglass is a hard habit to break. And it wasn't one that I was going to learn in that hour.
I don't know that I will be on the slopes again, but at least I've tried it. I have so much respect for those people that make it look so effortless. Ok, the little kids that swooshed by me on the slopes were a bit irritating, but I have to hand it to them...they knew what they were doing. I guess I'm still looking for that something that comes to me effortlessly. It's like trying on tons of dresses to find the perfect one for the party/dance/prom/wedding. Each one is a lesson learned I suppose.
I am still limping from the lesson so it's great that I have the next two days off to recuperate. Of course, I'm supposed to be decorating the house for the holidays, but the tree is more than I can handle when I have two good legs so that might have to wait a bit. I will get some of the lesser decorations out and purge while no one is hovering over me. Letting go of the past is a lot like a garage sale. Once it's gone, you really do have more room for new stuff!
So I'm off to think about some more stuff I am wanting to let go of, including the vision of me as a world medalist ski champion. Maybe I should stick with cross country skiing...no big slopes to fall down. Let me get healed up from this last episode and I will try again.
Until later...
Annie M.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Busy Day
What a busy day I've had! First there were cooking lessons for Taylor on the right way to make bacon...yeah, that was my mom teaching her how to do it since I only know how to order bacon. Then it was laundry and get the kids dressed and ready for travel. We rode bikes and got fresh air and interacted with others. Joe is really improving on the bike with help from mom and grandma.
Once we got home, I started on making chocolate chip cookies. I was going to make them for the work function last week, but felt I shouldn't be killing myself for people that wouldn't appreciate it. So I saved it for the weekend. The kids came in every 1/2 hour to see if they could have one as I was making them. Even my mom called it torture to have the smell of fresh baked cookies going through the house and not being allowed to eat any.
While the cookies were baking, I'd have 9 minutes to do something so I elected to go through my hijacked blog entries and see if I wanted to post them here. I did. Mostly because I didn't want to lose some of what I'd written and because I wanted to lay claim to my words and my ideas. It was interesting to read through and relive some of the things that have happened over the last year. I'm very glad that a lot of what I wrote is gone forever. That way I am able to really start fresh. Slight reminders are ok, all encompassing dwelling, not ok.
So now, the kids are all chocked full of sugar, the house is overly warm and slightly buttery smelling and I feel refreshed from spending the afternoon reading, editing and writing. I will be spending the evening working on getting some technical stuff set up with a friend, then luxuriating in a warm bath and calling it a good day.
Until later....
Annie M.
Once we got home, I started on making chocolate chip cookies. I was going to make them for the work function last week, but felt I shouldn't be killing myself for people that wouldn't appreciate it. So I saved it for the weekend. The kids came in every 1/2 hour to see if they could have one as I was making them. Even my mom called it torture to have the smell of fresh baked cookies going through the house and not being allowed to eat any.
While the cookies were baking, I'd have 9 minutes to do something so I elected to go through my hijacked blog entries and see if I wanted to post them here. I did. Mostly because I didn't want to lose some of what I'd written and because I wanted to lay claim to my words and my ideas. It was interesting to read through and relive some of the things that have happened over the last year. I'm very glad that a lot of what I wrote is gone forever. That way I am able to really start fresh. Slight reminders are ok, all encompassing dwelling, not ok.
So now, the kids are all chocked full of sugar, the house is overly warm and slightly buttery smelling and I feel refreshed from spending the afternoon reading, editing and writing. I will be spending the evening working on getting some technical stuff set up with a friend, then luxuriating in a warm bath and calling it a good day.
Until later....
Annie M.
Gratitude Listing - 10/29/06
I've been promising to myself that I would do a catch up listing of things I am grateful for. I've decided to do 5 things for each day of October that has transpired so far. These are in no particular order and hopefully I'll get the math right on 29 x 5 (145?). I hope some of the things on this list inspire you to write your own gratitude list!
1. My kids - love, joy, humor, amazement
2. Sunny fall days-crisp air, leaves falling, a sense of accomplishment on another year passed
3. Sunny spring days - anticipation, new beginnings, growth
4. A cool bottle of water after working out
5. All the colors in nature
6. Affectionate cats
7. A freshly made bed to crawl into for a nap on a sunny spring/fall afternoon.
8. The ability to express myself
9. The liberty to express myself
10. Ice cream
11. Diet Pepsi
12. An easy commute into work when I least expect it.
13. Good friends
14. Butterflies
15. Hummingbirds
16. The wind in the trees
17. Elastic waist shorts
18. My gray hair
19. Faux fur
20. Pretty shoes
21. Comfy slippers
22. Sexy lingerie
23. Good sense
24. My mom
25. Cell phones
26. Hallmark greeting cards
27. The internet
28. Email
29. My 10th grade requirement of typing class
30. Learning a foreign language
31. The variety of chicken art available in this world
32. Paint by numbers
33. That my car starts every morning
34. That I start every morning
35. That everyone I love makes it safely through another day
36. Road maps
37. Highways for speedy travel
38. Byways for interesting travel
39. Antique shops
40. History books
41. PBS
42. DVD players
43. Music
44. Laughter
45. Good jokes
46. Intelligence
47. Cute babies
48. Attractive men
49. Couples in love
50. Strong women in my family
51. Being an American
52. Ability to pick up a book on practically anything at the local bookstore
53. Reading with my youngest son
54. Exercising with my kids
55. Learning new things
56. My alarm clock (auto sets for daylight savings!)
57. The house I am able to provide for myself and my kids
58. That I have a car and don't need to take the bus everywhere
59. Pretty views
60. Good movies
61. Good TV
62. Exciting football games
63. Staying alive in survival fantasy football for another week
64. Cooking a good meal for my family
65. Swimming pools
66. The ocean
67. Good books
68. Inspirational quotes
69. Motivational chat rooms
70. Catalogs
71. Online shopping
72. Sales
73. The perfect song on the radio
74. My iPod
75. My replacement iPod
76. Laptop computers
77. The concept of wireless (never has worked for me)
78. Microwaves
79. Dishwashers
80. Favorite restaurants
81. ATM's
82. Matchmakers
83. Anticipation of a good thing
84. Traveling
85. Indoor plumbing (I know this has been mentioned before, but really can we be too grateful for this one?)
86. Kids' soccer leagues
87. Golf courses
88. Riding lawn mowers (again conceptually I'm glad it exists, even if I've never used one)
89. Physical strength
90. Pretty toe nail polish
91. Spa pedicures
92. Acrylic nails
93. Nice smelling candles
94. Nice smelling shampoo
95. Being an individual
96. Wind chimes
97. Jasmine
98. Gardenias
99. Dryer sheets
100. Chocolate
101. My favorite gum
102. Challenging work
103. Crayons
104. Coloring books
105. My ex husband for giving me Alex and Taylor
106. Joe's father for helping to make Joe
107. The folks that gave me my first job out of college (the first time)
108. Naps
109. Voice mail
110. Personality tests
111. Good bumper stickers
112. A good walk
113. A good run
114. A nice drive
115. Flying somewhere exotic
116. Flying somewhere new
117. Packing for a trip
118. Good pillows
119. Feather beds
120. Pretty jewelry
121. Good neighbors
122. Christmas decorations
123. Halloween candy
124. Thanksgiving dinner
125. Holiday traditions
126. Easter - sense of renewal....and the candy
127. Growing up at the beach
128. Getting my driver's license with help from Sear's
129. Shoe stores
130. Victoria's Secret stores
131. Classical music
132. Frederick's lingerie stores
133. Massages
134. Facials
135. Soft pretzels
136. Step moms
137. Good artwork
138. Pretty furniture
139. Birds chirping
140. Rain storms
141. Snow
142. Spring
143. The grower's market in Loganville
144. Walmart
145. Bedtimes
Ok, that pretty much ran the gamut from A-Z as far as topics. I'll try to keep up with 5 per day. Wish me luck.
Until next time....
Annie M.
1. My kids - love, joy, humor, amazement
2. Sunny fall days-crisp air, leaves falling, a sense of accomplishment on another year passed
3. Sunny spring days - anticipation, new beginnings, growth
4. A cool bottle of water after working out
5. All the colors in nature
6. Affectionate cats
7. A freshly made bed to crawl into for a nap on a sunny spring/fall afternoon.
8. The ability to express myself
9. The liberty to express myself
10. Ice cream
11. Diet Pepsi
12. An easy commute into work when I least expect it.
13. Good friends
14. Butterflies
15. Hummingbirds
16. The wind in the trees
17. Elastic waist shorts
18. My gray hair
19. Faux fur
20. Pretty shoes
21. Comfy slippers
22. Sexy lingerie
23. Good sense
24. My mom
25. Cell phones
26. Hallmark greeting cards
27. The internet
28. Email
29. My 10th grade requirement of typing class
30. Learning a foreign language
31. The variety of chicken art available in this world
32. Paint by numbers
33. That my car starts every morning
34. That I start every morning
35. That everyone I love makes it safely through another day
36. Road maps
37. Highways for speedy travel
38. Byways for interesting travel
39. Antique shops
40. History books
41. PBS
42. DVD players
43. Music
44. Laughter
45. Good jokes
46. Intelligence
47. Cute babies
48. Attractive men
49. Couples in love
50. Strong women in my family
51. Being an American
52. Ability to pick up a book on practically anything at the local bookstore
53. Reading with my youngest son
54. Exercising with my kids
55. Learning new things
56. My alarm clock (auto sets for daylight savings!)
57. The house I am able to provide for myself and my kids
58. That I have a car and don't need to take the bus everywhere
59. Pretty views
60. Good movies
61. Good TV
62. Exciting football games
63. Staying alive in survival fantasy football for another week
64. Cooking a good meal for my family
65. Swimming pools
66. The ocean
67. Good books
68. Inspirational quotes
69. Motivational chat rooms
70. Catalogs
71. Online shopping
72. Sales
73. The perfect song on the radio
74. My iPod
75. My replacement iPod
76. Laptop computers
77. The concept of wireless (never has worked for me)
78. Microwaves
79. Dishwashers
80. Favorite restaurants
81. ATM's
82. Matchmakers
83. Anticipation of a good thing
84. Traveling
85. Indoor plumbing (I know this has been mentioned before, but really can we be too grateful for this one?)
86. Kids' soccer leagues
87. Golf courses
88. Riding lawn mowers (again conceptually I'm glad it exists, even if I've never used one)
89. Physical strength
90. Pretty toe nail polish
91. Spa pedicures
92. Acrylic nails
93. Nice smelling candles
94. Nice smelling shampoo
95. Being an individual
96. Wind chimes
97. Jasmine
98. Gardenias
99. Dryer sheets
100. Chocolate
101. My favorite gum
102. Challenging work
103. Crayons
104. Coloring books
105. My ex husband for giving me Alex and Taylor
106. Joe's father for helping to make Joe
107. The folks that gave me my first job out of college (the first time)
108. Naps
109. Voice mail
110. Personality tests
111. Good bumper stickers
112. A good walk
113. A good run
114. A nice drive
115. Flying somewhere exotic
116. Flying somewhere new
117. Packing for a trip
118. Good pillows
119. Feather beds
120. Pretty jewelry
121. Good neighbors
122. Christmas decorations
123. Halloween candy
124. Thanksgiving dinner
125. Holiday traditions
126. Easter - sense of renewal....and the candy
127. Growing up at the beach
128. Getting my driver's license with help from Sear's
129. Shoe stores
130. Victoria's Secret stores
131. Classical music
132. Frederick's lingerie stores
133. Massages
134. Facials
135. Soft pretzels
136. Step moms
137. Good artwork
138. Pretty furniture
139. Birds chirping
140. Rain storms
141. Snow
142. Spring
143. The grower's market in Loganville
144. Walmart
145. Bedtimes
Ok, that pretty much ran the gamut from A-Z as far as topics. I'll try to keep up with 5 per day. Wish me luck.
Until next time....
Annie M.
10% Change - 11/10/06
I read recently that any change made in your life greater than 10% whether it's good or bad, will affect your health by reducing your immune system's ability to fight infection. Well, I've had a cold for several weeks now, but it's finally moved up to my throat and head to make me truly miserable. After reading that, all the women that post on the CYLC boards that complain of being sick...guess what???? Making changes too quickly apparently.
Well, I think this week I've made some pretty drastic changes. Or some were made for me. I was 'terminated for insubordination' from the office where I'd dedicated 2+ years of my life to the point where I'd stopped accruing time off because I'd reached the limit. Ok, so that is all the pity party I'm going to have for myself on this point. I've been heading in the direction that I needed to leave there, this just forced my hand. I was actually relieved yesterday when I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that was going on there. I could read my book or watch a movie if I wanted to without feeling like there was some work related task I should have been doing instead. Is that crazy or what?
Not that I did those things...I spent hours trying to get my old '98 box up and running with internet connectivity and all my programs on it. My printer laughed at me when I tried to install it on this computer. Apparently the printer alone needs twice the memory that this thing has available to it. Then later, I tried to install my iTunes on it. Again, there was chuckling in the background when I got the message that I needed an operating system from this century to be able to operate that. Two down, I wasn't about to try for a third.
I also spent time getting my files off of the work laptop that I conveniently didn't bring into the office during the week. I only took off my personal files including my iTunes. I had bought blank CD's the week before out of the blue (or was it?) so I was able to get everything to disk if not to the dinosaur that is my home information network now. Once that was done, I spent time looking for jobs, updating my resume and getting in touch with the 1/2 dozen recruiters that had left messages for me in the last two months. I'm not worried that I won't find a new job in the next week. I'm worried about the lag between getting my last check and getting the first check at the new job. I told Mike that I am pretty much in God's hands now since I have no savings and no income at the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be all stressed out or what, but I'm not. I'm relatively calm...almost scary calm. Of course that could be the Nyquil talking, but I don't think so. I think I react opposite to the norm on just about everything. I get fanatic about the little things and am very blase about the big things. That's just how I am I suppose. I still plan to go on my vacation with my mom in 10 days. The tickets are bought, I wasn't expected to pay for much on that anyway besides the shuttle to the hotel that first morning and the various postcards I was going to send to friends. It just occurred to me...will they have Diet Pepsi there????? What'll I do??? Dear Lord! I might have to rethink this whole episode!!!!
Well, if they have enough guys that look like Ewan MacGregor there with a lovely British accent speaking to me, I think I can get over the lack of Diet Pepsi there. BTW, I tried to abbreviate Diet Pepsi but just couldn't since I know there is a very dirty, dirty, dirty other meaning to (DP)...Gayle are you blushing??????
I signed up for a matchmaker before my last entry. I wish I could say it's been worth the money, but I've only had two matches and the first one was ick (and late) and the second one hasn't occurred yet since he rescheduled and then all of my stuff happened (in addition to the cold). Hopefully, we can meet next week and I can go to London on a high note...or at least some sort of high. Well it's 1 AM and I am worn out. Getting up late, taking my time getting out of the house, spending the day doing job searching, phone answering and basically whatever else I want to do can really take a toll on ya! I will try to get online more frequently since I am totally on my time, I could truly make an entry every hour. But that would get old after a while and then I'd drop it like I do everything else.
OK, so now the pity party is truly over. I do plan to write for at least an hour a day...on the Great American Novel....or at least something Harlequin would publish. She's a virgin and beautiful and he's manly and untamed and together they take in the poor abandoned children and live happily ever after. Kind of like Brad and Angelina except with virginity in it! Yeah, even I don't think I'm that creative.
Have a great Saturday!
Until later.....
Annie M.
Well, I think this week I've made some pretty drastic changes. Or some were made for me. I was 'terminated for insubordination' from the office where I'd dedicated 2+ years of my life to the point where I'd stopped accruing time off because I'd reached the limit. Ok, so that is all the pity party I'm going to have for myself on this point. I've been heading in the direction that I needed to leave there, this just forced my hand. I was actually relieved yesterday when I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that was going on there. I could read my book or watch a movie if I wanted to without feeling like there was some work related task I should have been doing instead. Is that crazy or what?
Not that I did those things...I spent hours trying to get my old '98 box up and running with internet connectivity and all my programs on it. My printer laughed at me when I tried to install it on this computer. Apparently the printer alone needs twice the memory that this thing has available to it. Then later, I tried to install my iTunes on it. Again, there was chuckling in the background when I got the message that I needed an operating system from this century to be able to operate that. Two down, I wasn't about to try for a third.
I also spent time getting my files off of the work laptop that I conveniently didn't bring into the office during the week. I only took off my personal files including my iTunes. I had bought blank CD's the week before out of the blue (or was it?) so I was able to get everything to disk if not to the dinosaur that is my home information network now. Once that was done, I spent time looking for jobs, updating my resume and getting in touch with the 1/2 dozen recruiters that had left messages for me in the last two months. I'm not worried that I won't find a new job in the next week. I'm worried about the lag between getting my last check and getting the first check at the new job. I told Mike that I am pretty much in God's hands now since I have no savings and no income at the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be all stressed out or what, but I'm not. I'm relatively calm...almost scary calm. Of course that could be the Nyquil talking, but I don't think so. I think I react opposite to the norm on just about everything. I get fanatic about the little things and am very blase about the big things. That's just how I am I suppose. I still plan to go on my vacation with my mom in 10 days. The tickets are bought, I wasn't expected to pay for much on that anyway besides the shuttle to the hotel that first morning and the various postcards I was going to send to friends. It just occurred to me...will they have Diet Pepsi there????? What'll I do??? Dear Lord! I might have to rethink this whole episode!!!!
Well, if they have enough guys that look like Ewan MacGregor there with a lovely British accent speaking to me, I think I can get over the lack of Diet Pepsi there. BTW, I tried to abbreviate Diet Pepsi but just couldn't since I know there is a very dirty, dirty, dirty other meaning to (DP)...Gayle are you blushing??????
I signed up for a matchmaker before my last entry. I wish I could say it's been worth the money, but I've only had two matches and the first one was ick (and late) and the second one hasn't occurred yet since he rescheduled and then all of my stuff happened (in addition to the cold). Hopefully, we can meet next week and I can go to London on a high note...or at least some sort of high. Well it's 1 AM and I am worn out. Getting up late, taking my time getting out of the house, spending the day doing job searching, phone answering and basically whatever else I want to do can really take a toll on ya! I will try to get online more frequently since I am totally on my time, I could truly make an entry every hour. But that would get old after a while and then I'd drop it like I do everything else.
OK, so now the pity party is truly over. I do plan to write for at least an hour a day...on the Great American Novel....or at least something Harlequin would publish. She's a virgin and beautiful and he's manly and untamed and together they take in the poor abandoned children and live happily ever after. Kind of like Brad and Angelina except with virginity in it! Yeah, even I don't think I'm that creative.
Have a great Saturday!
Until later.....
Annie M.
When it rains it pours! - 5/4/07
Wow! What a day. 24 hours really since it didn't all happen today. When I told a friend about what all had gone on, she asked "Who did you piss off in a past life?" and yes, it really is that bad. Well in my mind anyway. And we know what a dark and twisted place that can be.
So here goes:
First thing happened last night about 10'ish, not going to discuss it, but it was pretty painful. Set me in the bad mood I woke up in this morning and from there the day went downhill. I had been all set to get up early to exercise on my new elliptical machine, but found I just didn't care if I got gross and fat. That was, of course, before I tried to squeeze my ass into a pair of jeans for casual Friday. Joe put up a slight fuss about being woken up to get dressed. I didn't want the hassle of trying to get medicine into him in the morning so I just threw some more guilt on for not taking care of my child and got in the car.
Next, on the way to work, I sat patiently behind tons of trucks and cars at this one particular light for about 20 minutes going to and from Joe's 'other' daycare that's closer to work. After turning right at the light, I realized there was no traffic around me and in a daydream worrying about how I could recover from the first bad thing that happened, I ended up getting a speeding ticket for going 80 in a 55. I am a dumbass...no question about it. I was willing to take the hit and 'fess up to the crime.
After I pulled over, I was searching for my registration. Of course, it's safely tucked away in a drawer in the living room. Fortunately, the cop was able to search my info so didn't need to have it, but he asked "Is this your first speeding ticket or have you gotten one before?" I answered that I'd had one before and he followed up with "So you didn't learn your lesson from that experience?". Apparently not. That's what set me off into a bout of crying that has just ended about an hour ago. I am so upset with myself for not learning from past mistakes, not listening to friends and others that told me not to do certain things, but I did them anyway. I want to say right here and now, that I am sorry for not listening, you were right. Now, seeing as how I deluded myself for so long, I can't trust myself in any situation. Nothing like a confidence buster when you're getting ready for a new job!
The crying had two good outcomes though...one is release of pent up anxiety and worry. It's been awhile since my last good cry, like 2 or 3 months so that's good. The other is that the cop thought I was so upset about the ticket, that he knocked it down to 69 in a 55 and so no points will be taken off of my license and I'll pay the minimum fine. Silver lining...whatever. So I get to work and everyone can tell some thing is wrong, but I don't want to discuss it, so they all leave me alone. Then my boss calls us all into a meeting around 9 am. No one has any clue what it's about, so we all go a bit early to see if we can figure it out. The entire meeting lasted about 7 and 1/2 minutes and was entirely my boss talking to the group apologizing for the state of the department, his lack of involvement and how everything is going to change for the better and be glorious and magnificent. Oh yeah, and that I am leaving the company.
I left there feeling like I have to leave for positive change to take place. In pretty much everything I do. I joked once that in order to meet the love of your life, you just have to break up with me first and she'll be the next person you date. It's like magic! People's lives are enriched by my leaving is the general message I'm picking up. I remember when I was in college during my sophomore year, I was taking an Astronomy class...Honors college kids get cool science options....and so feeling much the same way as I do now, I described my situation using the newly learned astronomical phrases such as red dwarf, super nova and meteor. I'm sure if I look in one of my past journals I'll find it there. Wow, I am really melodramatic at times! Ok, all the time....
As you can see, right now I'm looking for the cave to go hide in for a little bit. I have the right to have at least 24 hours of pity partying and then I need to get my act together and make changes. Obviously I am insane since I keep doing the same damned things over and over and expect things to come out differently. So as part of my rehab, I will try something new. Like sticking to my word when I say I'm going to do or to not do something anymore. It's gotten so bad lately, I don't even believe me when I say I'm going to do something. I need to have someone to hold me to my word, well besides me I mean. Apparently I am weak and can talk myself out of stuff very easily.
Ok, pity party is winding down. I will be driving up to NC this weekend to celebrate Mom's day early with my grandmother and the kids. I will be thoroughly exhausted and irritated when I get back on Sunday, but it's something I should have done months ago....and I gave my word. I'll let you know how it goes....this whole turning over a new leaf thing is going to be work, huh?
Dammit!
Until later....
Annie M.
So here goes:
First thing happened last night about 10'ish, not going to discuss it, but it was pretty painful. Set me in the bad mood I woke up in this morning and from there the day went downhill. I had been all set to get up early to exercise on my new elliptical machine, but found I just didn't care if I got gross and fat. That was, of course, before I tried to squeeze my ass into a pair of jeans for casual Friday. Joe put up a slight fuss about being woken up to get dressed. I didn't want the hassle of trying to get medicine into him in the morning so I just threw some more guilt on for not taking care of my child and got in the car.
Next, on the way to work, I sat patiently behind tons of trucks and cars at this one particular light for about 20 minutes going to and from Joe's 'other' daycare that's closer to work. After turning right at the light, I realized there was no traffic around me and in a daydream worrying about how I could recover from the first bad thing that happened, I ended up getting a speeding ticket for going 80 in a 55. I am a dumbass...no question about it. I was willing to take the hit and 'fess up to the crime.
After I pulled over, I was searching for my registration. Of course, it's safely tucked away in a drawer in the living room. Fortunately, the cop was able to search my info so didn't need to have it, but he asked "Is this your first speeding ticket or have you gotten one before?" I answered that I'd had one before and he followed up with "So you didn't learn your lesson from that experience?". Apparently not. That's what set me off into a bout of crying that has just ended about an hour ago. I am so upset with myself for not learning from past mistakes, not listening to friends and others that told me not to do certain things, but I did them anyway. I want to say right here and now, that I am sorry for not listening, you were right. Now, seeing as how I deluded myself for so long, I can't trust myself in any situation. Nothing like a confidence buster when you're getting ready for a new job!
The crying had two good outcomes though...one is release of pent up anxiety and worry. It's been awhile since my last good cry, like 2 or 3 months so that's good. The other is that the cop thought I was so upset about the ticket, that he knocked it down to 69 in a 55 and so no points will be taken off of my license and I'll pay the minimum fine. Silver lining...whatever. So I get to work and everyone can tell some thing is wrong, but I don't want to discuss it, so they all leave me alone. Then my boss calls us all into a meeting around 9 am. No one has any clue what it's about, so we all go a bit early to see if we can figure it out. The entire meeting lasted about 7 and 1/2 minutes and was entirely my boss talking to the group apologizing for the state of the department, his lack of involvement and how everything is going to change for the better and be glorious and magnificent. Oh yeah, and that I am leaving the company.
I left there feeling like I have to leave for positive change to take place. In pretty much everything I do. I joked once that in order to meet the love of your life, you just have to break up with me first and she'll be the next person you date. It's like magic! People's lives are enriched by my leaving is the general message I'm picking up. I remember when I was in college during my sophomore year, I was taking an Astronomy class...Honors college kids get cool science options....and so feeling much the same way as I do now, I described my situation using the newly learned astronomical phrases such as red dwarf, super nova and meteor. I'm sure if I look in one of my past journals I'll find it there. Wow, I am really melodramatic at times! Ok, all the time....
As you can see, right now I'm looking for the cave to go hide in for a little bit. I have the right to have at least 24 hours of pity partying and then I need to get my act together and make changes. Obviously I am insane since I keep doing the same damned things over and over and expect things to come out differently. So as part of my rehab, I will try something new. Like sticking to my word when I say I'm going to do or to not do something anymore. It's gotten so bad lately, I don't even believe me when I say I'm going to do something. I need to have someone to hold me to my word, well besides me I mean. Apparently I am weak and can talk myself out of stuff very easily.
Ok, pity party is winding down. I will be driving up to NC this weekend to celebrate Mom's day early with my grandmother and the kids. I will be thoroughly exhausted and irritated when I get back on Sunday, but it's something I should have done months ago....and I gave my word. I'll let you know how it goes....this whole turning over a new leaf thing is going to be work, huh?
Dammit!
Until later....
Annie M.
Office Space - 6/21/07
Today was weird and interesting and cosmic and boy, can I tell it's the summer solstice! First, I made it to work in 20 minutes after leaving the house. Crazy, I know! Then after feeling unnecessary at work for the last couple of days...and we know how I hate that...I was handed three projects in the morning. All of these are from my boss's boss's boss. Who looks very good in a pair of jeans....and I've noticed that I am developing an unhealthy fascination with the sound of his voice. I realized that all the big involvements I've had have one thing in common....sexy, raspy voice that I can feel all the way to my toes.
HOWEVER!!!!! I am not going to get interested in any one at work ever again! I have totally learned my lesson on that one. And I think that with my entire upheaval of my world that I've done in the last 6 weeks with a new job and a new home, that I have time and energy to find someone outside of work. For instance, I have two dates this Saturday...when it rains it pours, what?
Date #1: Rich is a chip distributor so if I date him I will be plush with cheetohs! His words, not mine. He has a sexy voice, but a red light went off when he called me 'baby' on our first phone call. He's at 7 tonight about 20 miles from home.
Date #2: Hal is a software developer and he sounds like a 15 year old boy that is going through puberty, but at the start of the process not at the end. He's also only 2 inches taller than me when I don't wear heels and I only don't wear heels when I'm running or sleeping. He's at 8 at a coffee shop about 2 miles from my house. I suddenly feel an emergency coming on.....
Tonight, I was sleepy from the 2 1/2 beers I had while at the bowling outing with the department from work. I'm watching Office Space on E! Entertainment Channel! That's what made me think about office politics and dynamics...very high school. I thought back to a friend at the job, two jobs ago, who could perfectly imitate the boss, Bill, from the movie. Of course I didn't actually see the movie until months later, but I can still remember him saying "Yeah...I'm going to need you to come in this weekend..." in the same tone and speed as the movie. Hilarious! That of course got me thinking about that job and comparing it to the job I had after that one and to the job I have now. Confused yet?
I have had this idea about work dynamics for awhile, so it's time it got put on paper...er....well, written out at least. So you interview with a company for a job. You are trying out so to speak, hoping to make the cut. You put your best foot forward and hope you don't say or do anything that will take you off the short list for consideration. Once you find out you get the job, it's like you've won tickets to Disney World. Excitement bubbles up, you are energized and eager to start the new position. All is golden and light and wonderful. You can't wait to leave the cesspit that you are currently working at and all it's tangled web of politics, policies and cliques. It won't be like that at the new place, no way.
During your first week at the job, you are trying to learn the lay out of the office, how to get office supplies, names, faces and policies for payroll direct deposit. The boss goes easy on you, knowing you need time to ramp up. You have a couple of items that you will be riding solo on, but the rest of the time you will be training with him/her or someone else in the group to learn the ropes. People are nice, friendly and yet a little distant. They have to get to know you too, to see what type of worker and even what type of person you are. A month goes by, you have some interesting conversations with other staff members where you learn that the person that was hired to do one job doesn't really know as much as she let on. Or that last year, an entire department was done away with and now they are trying to recreate the department from scratch. Ouch. But you are still enamored, because that happened before you were there. That has nothing to do with you, you are going to make it all better.
Then they have a company luncheon and it's like being back in the lunchroom at Small Town High School all over again. You stand in line to get your hamburgers and baked beans, someone you have been working with on a project comes by and stands with you, then someone else. Suddenly, you are a group. Wow, you have a group. The line progresses, and now it's time to find a seat. You follow one of the people from your group and the other person follows you. It just so happens that both of these other people are managers...male managers. You see that the rest of your department who are at your level or lower...and female....all go sit at another table quite a ways away, leaving you to make small talk with your coworkers.
Suddenly, the CFO joins your group, next the GM of the Americas, then the Corporate Controller. In the next group over, two senior VP's and the CEO are chatting over cole slaw about the future of the company or what their summer vacation plans are for their families. You notice a distinct circle of power that surrounds the two groups. How did you manage to get within the circle without someone asking for credentials?
As you try not to focus on that, you take a look around at the other groups that are forming. The developers, with their haphazard dishabille showing either their blatant disregard for corporate America or their complete lack of any fashion skills or both. The executive assistants are next, a sturdy group of gatekeepers who have taken their bitterness about being overlooked in other areas of their lives and turned it into a razor sharp ability to protect the interests of their employers. They bow their heads together to comment on how needed they are by their bosses and how no one could do the job they do for them, while each is silently thinking that the person next to them is a waste of space. Accounting sits together, talking about their children and husbands and anything but work. Customer Service mingles in with Sales and Accounting depending on who provides the better status or gossip. Sales, while sitting separately, make a point to come by the executives and make contact in some fashion.
So as you take it all in, you wonder if we ever get past high school? What I just described could also be a freshman in high school that comes into a new school, gets instructed by someone that is assigned to them by the office to learn how to get around and while still learning the social structure of the high school, ends up at the Seniors table without even realizing they are in the coolest group in the whole realm! You can probably figure out which of the groups are the cheerleaders, the A/V group, the nerds, the JV team, and the yearbook staff! And just like in high school, when someone new comes into the hierarchy and tries to cross the lines, there is hell to pay! I've seen this happen before, because I'm always the new kid, trying to understand why I have to follow certain social morays when they don't make sense.
When I was actually in high school, I came into freshman year at MBHS half way through the year. As a result, my classes translated into being put into classes with juniors and seniors. I got a leg up on the other freshman girls by having French with Jason or Trigonometry with Russell when they could only look at them in the hallways. Or since my brother was on the football team, all the eligible bachelors of the class were hanging out my house. Somehow because of being at the right place at the right time, and not knowing how I'm supposed to act according to society, I end up forging friendships and links to these groups that cause issue for someone else.
I have an innate ability to get myself into these situations. I am good at impressing parents, bosses and bosses of bosses. Little do people know that it's because I am TERRIFIED of fucking up royally in front of those same groups that causes me to be on my P's and Q's. Impressing those people leads to inclusion in certain groups or a different type of conversation in the hallways than most people have. When people find out about it, they wonder what I have done to get treated specially and react in one of two ways...1) impressed by this ability and want to learn more or 2) allow pettiness and jealousy to take over.
I am not saying I don't do the same thing...hell I spend 1/2 my time worrying why someone has it better than me in some way or another...or I did until recently. After a particularly trying incident with a #2 type reaction, a friend said that people act like that because they either want to be with you or be like you. Very wise, L. Thanks. I've remembered that a time or two over the years. You hear it all the time, that there is a thin line between love and hate. I am still confused how I seem to incite such strong reactions from people. I have always thought that when I am out of sight, I am out of mind.
So when I hear that this is NOT the case, I am totally amazed. I never realized I had so much power. I mentioned it to Alex last week when I described the latest incident...mostly to scare him into doing the dishes, not that it worked. He was just as confused by it as I was! One thing I'm learning from all of this, that the world is a small, cyclical place. You never know who you might run into again from a previous period of your life and what situations you will revisit until you get it right.
So, now that I have been presented with this situation again....starting over at work, becoming interested in someone at work, getting involved in the politics at the office against my intent/wishes.....I will take what I have learned from the recent past and do something different. How's that Chinese definition of insanity go again? "Doing the exact same thing over again and expecting different results!" Yes, that's it. So, my office space will be my office space and my home space will be my home space. 'And ne'er the twain shall meet". Wish me luck on my dates. I'm sure you will hear about them soon.
Until later....
Annie M.
HOWEVER!!!!! I am not going to get interested in any one at work ever again! I have totally learned my lesson on that one. And I think that with my entire upheaval of my world that I've done in the last 6 weeks with a new job and a new home, that I have time and energy to find someone outside of work. For instance, I have two dates this Saturday...when it rains it pours, what?
Date #1: Rich is a chip distributor so if I date him I will be plush with cheetohs! His words, not mine. He has a sexy voice, but a red light went off when he called me 'baby' on our first phone call. He's at 7 tonight about 20 miles from home.
Date #2: Hal is a software developer and he sounds like a 15 year old boy that is going through puberty, but at the start of the process not at the end. He's also only 2 inches taller than me when I don't wear heels and I only don't wear heels when I'm running or sleeping. He's at 8 at a coffee shop about 2 miles from my house. I suddenly feel an emergency coming on.....
Tonight, I was sleepy from the 2 1/2 beers I had while at the bowling outing with the department from work. I'm watching Office Space on E! Entertainment Channel! That's what made me think about office politics and dynamics...very high school. I thought back to a friend at the job, two jobs ago, who could perfectly imitate the boss, Bill, from the movie. Of course I didn't actually see the movie until months later, but I can still remember him saying "Yeah...I'm going to need you to come in this weekend..." in the same tone and speed as the movie. Hilarious! That of course got me thinking about that job and comparing it to the job I had after that one and to the job I have now. Confused yet?
I have had this idea about work dynamics for awhile, so it's time it got put on paper...er....well, written out at least. So you interview with a company for a job. You are trying out so to speak, hoping to make the cut. You put your best foot forward and hope you don't say or do anything that will take you off the short list for consideration. Once you find out you get the job, it's like you've won tickets to Disney World. Excitement bubbles up, you are energized and eager to start the new position. All is golden and light and wonderful. You can't wait to leave the cesspit that you are currently working at and all it's tangled web of politics, policies and cliques. It won't be like that at the new place, no way.
During your first week at the job, you are trying to learn the lay out of the office, how to get office supplies, names, faces and policies for payroll direct deposit. The boss goes easy on you, knowing you need time to ramp up. You have a couple of items that you will be riding solo on, but the rest of the time you will be training with him/her or someone else in the group to learn the ropes. People are nice, friendly and yet a little distant. They have to get to know you too, to see what type of worker and even what type of person you are. A month goes by, you have some interesting conversations with other staff members where you learn that the person that was hired to do one job doesn't really know as much as she let on. Or that last year, an entire department was done away with and now they are trying to recreate the department from scratch. Ouch. But you are still enamored, because that happened before you were there. That has nothing to do with you, you are going to make it all better.
Then they have a company luncheon and it's like being back in the lunchroom at Small Town High School all over again. You stand in line to get your hamburgers and baked beans, someone you have been working with on a project comes by and stands with you, then someone else. Suddenly, you are a group. Wow, you have a group. The line progresses, and now it's time to find a seat. You follow one of the people from your group and the other person follows you. It just so happens that both of these other people are managers...male managers. You see that the rest of your department who are at your level or lower...and female....all go sit at another table quite a ways away, leaving you to make small talk with your coworkers.
Suddenly, the CFO joins your group, next the GM of the Americas, then the Corporate Controller. In the next group over, two senior VP's and the CEO are chatting over cole slaw about the future of the company or what their summer vacation plans are for their families. You notice a distinct circle of power that surrounds the two groups. How did you manage to get within the circle without someone asking for credentials?
As you try not to focus on that, you take a look around at the other groups that are forming. The developers, with their haphazard dishabille showing either their blatant disregard for corporate America or their complete lack of any fashion skills or both. The executive assistants are next, a sturdy group of gatekeepers who have taken their bitterness about being overlooked in other areas of their lives and turned it into a razor sharp ability to protect the interests of their employers. They bow their heads together to comment on how needed they are by their bosses and how no one could do the job they do for them, while each is silently thinking that the person next to them is a waste of space. Accounting sits together, talking about their children and husbands and anything but work. Customer Service mingles in with Sales and Accounting depending on who provides the better status or gossip. Sales, while sitting separately, make a point to come by the executives and make contact in some fashion.
So as you take it all in, you wonder if we ever get past high school? What I just described could also be a freshman in high school that comes into a new school, gets instructed by someone that is assigned to them by the office to learn how to get around and while still learning the social structure of the high school, ends up at the Seniors table without even realizing they are in the coolest group in the whole realm! You can probably figure out which of the groups are the cheerleaders, the A/V group, the nerds, the JV team, and the yearbook staff! And just like in high school, when someone new comes into the hierarchy and tries to cross the lines, there is hell to pay! I've seen this happen before, because I'm always the new kid, trying to understand why I have to follow certain social morays when they don't make sense.
When I was actually in high school, I came into freshman year at MBHS half way through the year. As a result, my classes translated into being put into classes with juniors and seniors. I got a leg up on the other freshman girls by having French with Jason or Trigonometry with Russell when they could only look at them in the hallways. Or since my brother was on the football team, all the eligible bachelors of the class were hanging out my house. Somehow because of being at the right place at the right time, and not knowing how I'm supposed to act according to society, I end up forging friendships and links to these groups that cause issue for someone else.
I have an innate ability to get myself into these situations. I am good at impressing parents, bosses and bosses of bosses. Little do people know that it's because I am TERRIFIED of fucking up royally in front of those same groups that causes me to be on my P's and Q's. Impressing those people leads to inclusion in certain groups or a different type of conversation in the hallways than most people have. When people find out about it, they wonder what I have done to get treated specially and react in one of two ways...1) impressed by this ability and want to learn more or 2) allow pettiness and jealousy to take over.
I am not saying I don't do the same thing...hell I spend 1/2 my time worrying why someone has it better than me in some way or another...or I did until recently. After a particularly trying incident with a #2 type reaction, a friend said that people act like that because they either want to be with you or be like you. Very wise, L. Thanks. I've remembered that a time or two over the years. You hear it all the time, that there is a thin line between love and hate. I am still confused how I seem to incite such strong reactions from people. I have always thought that when I am out of sight, I am out of mind.
So when I hear that this is NOT the case, I am totally amazed. I never realized I had so much power. I mentioned it to Alex last week when I described the latest incident...mostly to scare him into doing the dishes, not that it worked. He was just as confused by it as I was! One thing I'm learning from all of this, that the world is a small, cyclical place. You never know who you might run into again from a previous period of your life and what situations you will revisit until you get it right.
So, now that I have been presented with this situation again....starting over at work, becoming interested in someone at work, getting involved in the politics at the office against my intent/wishes.....I will take what I have learned from the recent past and do something different. How's that Chinese definition of insanity go again? "Doing the exact same thing over again and expecting different results!" Yes, that's it. So, my office space will be my office space and my home space will be my home space. 'And ne'er the twain shall meet". Wish me luck on my dates. I'm sure you will hear about them soon.
Until later....
Annie M.
Caught in the Rain - 7/1/07
Day one of kid free-ness this summer. I left them asleep at my mom's this morning. The flight home was long and boring, and I spent it jacked up by caffeine from a mocha frappuccino which is the first one I'd had in a long, long time. The poor fellow next to me had to deal with me tapping and wiggling in my seat to the music on my iPod until the battery ran out. Of course, then I just tapped into the XM radio they provided on the flight.
I am still feeling restless so I went to the park to walk it off. That's when I got caught in the rain. What fun! I was absolutely drenched by the time I got back to my car and will probably have to sit on a towel tomorrow morning to work so as not to get my seat wet from the wet seat. But the last few days have been fun and that just added to it. I spent time with friends and family and we laughed and laughed and laughed. And there was cake too!
We went to a long time friend's for dinner and their garden is like a fantasy land. Flowers in every color in every available spot. Humming birds fighting over their nectar pots, plump cats lazing in the shade or in the sun as the day cooled off. Friends enjoying dinner, a glass of wine, and the same stories we'd heard a hundred times. One of the things I love about Seattle is the fact that everything is right there. The city is right by the water or rather there is water right there by the city. There are hills and beaches, parks and markets. There really is a Starbucks on every corner and then some. But there are also Tully's and Seattle's Best competing for the caffeine market.
Joe remarked that he liked the smell of the air. I said "That's fresh air" since it was the end of June and I was able to wear jeans and a long sleeve shirt during the day and not get overwhelmed until we got to Alki Beach and watched the beach volleyball tournament going on. And it wasn't due to the weather! The best part (ok second best part) of that was the music they were playing. Beastie Boys and Run DMC were very popular in Seattle the last time I lived there in 1987. Crazy.
I know Seattle gets a bad rap for a lot of rain, but that's simply not the case...there are more days with rain, but it's not like the torrential downpours that occur here in the South during the summer (the kind I got caught in). It's a drizzle. A fine mist. The really bad storms are what constitutes a winter in Seattle in and around Thanksgiving. Snow usually occurs in February and afterwards it's crisp and clear, sunny and wonderful. What Seattle should be known for is the grayness. Overcast without rain. Because of its position between two mountain ranges (Olympic and Cascades for the beginners), the rain from the ocean gets dumped on the west side of the first (hence the rain forest in the Olympic mountains), then the pressure is relieved over the sound to build up again right before the second range. On the eastern side of the state, a desert. Washington State History....I got an A! Although, I couldn't name all the counties like I once could.
All that being said, one of the treasures of the city is a view of the mountain. A local will know what that means. In my training session last week, the instructor had spent some time in Seattle and he mentioned being able to see both mountain ranges from the office in the area. I asked him if he could see the mountain. He said only if he craned his neck at the seam of the window to the wall. No one else in the class understood that I meant Mt. Rainier. It lies well south of the city, but on a clear, fine day, it's like it's right below Safeco Field at Pioneer Square on the waterfront. So this weekend was particularly special in that I saw the mountain every time I turned around. From the snow covered peak down to the dusky base. Pair that with a glorious full moon up on Saturday night while the sun was setting around 9:30, it was a sight to behold.
I realize that a lot of people will think I am kooky for some of the things I write, but as a friend said, I write down what other people think. I know I can't possibly be the only person that finds the shape of the trees along the highway beautiful with the flashes of their silver undersides showing when the wind picks up. Or thinks that the eerie light from the street lamps reflected on the cloud cover is like a fuzzy wool blanket, cocooning us all in at night. I enjoy sitting on the porch when it's raining out to connect with nature without all the busy-ness that man has made getting in the way. Watching the colors come back into focus when the rain passes, the greens crisper, the blacks denser as though the water has replenished them.
I filled out a compatibility survey earlier and one of the things that my answers to the variety of questions showed was my level of openness. I'm directly quoting here "...As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions." It's the moments of slowing down, appreciating the beauty in nature and the natural phenomenons like rain storms or the full moon, that I am able to refresh my soul. Get my creative juices flowing and be able to express my feelings.
I often wonder why I feel compelled to write what some people feel are deeply personal and private thoughts on such a public forum. I guess it's because like my friend said, we all think it. Connecting with others in such a way even if I have to take it on faith that someone else is connecting or getting the "ah-ha" moment after reading something I've written. Getting my view point out there...and we all know how I like to have the final word. It's also a way to get the feelings out of me and store them some place if they get to be too much for me to carry around inside. After a good episode of writing, I am physically drained. It's all out, in black and white (sometimes red!).
I'm not sure what's happened within me over the last few months. If I've magically crossed some maturity threshold or the air is different here or what, but I have changed my thought processes. Even when things are not at their best, I am trying to visualize the way things should be, the positive outlook. Taking a deep breath and a step back before I cycle down into the negatives. I guess I just realized it's more fun to visualize positives than negatives. I'm enjoying music again, getting outside and exercising, listening and learning, stepping outside of my comfort zone. I am enjoying life again, or maybe for the first time. Making plans, doing stuff instead of hiding in the house, watching life go by through the mini-blinds.
A friend that read some of my latest entries said I sounded lonely. I didn't think so, but maybe I am. I guess I do want someone to get caught in the rain with or to at least tell them all about it when I come home drenched with my shoes squishing. Someone that will hand me a towel and laugh with me at the ridiculousness of it all. And then when I am dry and warm again, someone to snuggle with on the couch and watch a good movie. So maybe I am lonely, but I'll be patient in this one thing. No more rushing into something that will end badly or never start up. I know he is out there. I can't possibly have all this emotion in me and not be meant to share it with someone special that will appreciate it.
And on that note, I am off to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie.
Until later....
Annie M.
I am still feeling restless so I went to the park to walk it off. That's when I got caught in the rain. What fun! I was absolutely drenched by the time I got back to my car and will probably have to sit on a towel tomorrow morning to work so as not to get my seat wet from the wet seat. But the last few days have been fun and that just added to it. I spent time with friends and family and we laughed and laughed and laughed. And there was cake too!
We went to a long time friend's for dinner and their garden is like a fantasy land. Flowers in every color in every available spot. Humming birds fighting over their nectar pots, plump cats lazing in the shade or in the sun as the day cooled off. Friends enjoying dinner, a glass of wine, and the same stories we'd heard a hundred times. One of the things I love about Seattle is the fact that everything is right there. The city is right by the water or rather there is water right there by the city. There are hills and beaches, parks and markets. There really is a Starbucks on every corner and then some. But there are also Tully's and Seattle's Best competing for the caffeine market.
Joe remarked that he liked the smell of the air. I said "That's fresh air" since it was the end of June and I was able to wear jeans and a long sleeve shirt during the day and not get overwhelmed until we got to Alki Beach and watched the beach volleyball tournament going on. And it wasn't due to the weather! The best part (ok second best part) of that was the music they were playing. Beastie Boys and Run DMC were very popular in Seattle the last time I lived there in 1987. Crazy.
I know Seattle gets a bad rap for a lot of rain, but that's simply not the case...there are more days with rain, but it's not like the torrential downpours that occur here in the South during the summer (the kind I got caught in). It's a drizzle. A fine mist. The really bad storms are what constitutes a winter in Seattle in and around Thanksgiving. Snow usually occurs in February and afterwards it's crisp and clear, sunny and wonderful. What Seattle should be known for is the grayness. Overcast without rain. Because of its position between two mountain ranges (Olympic and Cascades for the beginners), the rain from the ocean gets dumped on the west side of the first (hence the rain forest in the Olympic mountains), then the pressure is relieved over the sound to build up again right before the second range. On the eastern side of the state, a desert. Washington State History....I got an A! Although, I couldn't name all the counties like I once could.
All that being said, one of the treasures of the city is a view of the mountain. A local will know what that means. In my training session last week, the instructor had spent some time in Seattle and he mentioned being able to see both mountain ranges from the office in the area. I asked him if he could see the mountain. He said only if he craned his neck at the seam of the window to the wall. No one else in the class understood that I meant Mt. Rainier. It lies well south of the city, but on a clear, fine day, it's like it's right below Safeco Field at Pioneer Square on the waterfront. So this weekend was particularly special in that I saw the mountain every time I turned around. From the snow covered peak down to the dusky base. Pair that with a glorious full moon up on Saturday night while the sun was setting around 9:30, it was a sight to behold.
I realize that a lot of people will think I am kooky for some of the things I write, but as a friend said, I write down what other people think. I know I can't possibly be the only person that finds the shape of the trees along the highway beautiful with the flashes of their silver undersides showing when the wind picks up. Or thinks that the eerie light from the street lamps reflected on the cloud cover is like a fuzzy wool blanket, cocooning us all in at night. I enjoy sitting on the porch when it's raining out to connect with nature without all the busy-ness that man has made getting in the way. Watching the colors come back into focus when the rain passes, the greens crisper, the blacks denser as though the water has replenished them.
I filled out a compatibility survey earlier and one of the things that my answers to the variety of questions showed was my level of openness. I'm directly quoting here "...As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions." It's the moments of slowing down, appreciating the beauty in nature and the natural phenomenons like rain storms or the full moon, that I am able to refresh my soul. Get my creative juices flowing and be able to express my feelings.
I often wonder why I feel compelled to write what some people feel are deeply personal and private thoughts on such a public forum. I guess it's because like my friend said, we all think it. Connecting with others in such a way even if I have to take it on faith that someone else is connecting or getting the "ah-ha" moment after reading something I've written. Getting my view point out there...and we all know how I like to have the final word. It's also a way to get the feelings out of me and store them some place if they get to be too much for me to carry around inside. After a good episode of writing, I am physically drained. It's all out, in black and white (sometimes red!).
I'm not sure what's happened within me over the last few months. If I've magically crossed some maturity threshold or the air is different here or what, but I have changed my thought processes. Even when things are not at their best, I am trying to visualize the way things should be, the positive outlook. Taking a deep breath and a step back before I cycle down into the negatives. I guess I just realized it's more fun to visualize positives than negatives. I'm enjoying music again, getting outside and exercising, listening and learning, stepping outside of my comfort zone. I am enjoying life again, or maybe for the first time. Making plans, doing stuff instead of hiding in the house, watching life go by through the mini-blinds.
A friend that read some of my latest entries said I sounded lonely. I didn't think so, but maybe I am. I guess I do want someone to get caught in the rain with or to at least tell them all about it when I come home drenched with my shoes squishing. Someone that will hand me a towel and laugh with me at the ridiculousness of it all. And then when I am dry and warm again, someone to snuggle with on the couch and watch a good movie. So maybe I am lonely, but I'll be patient in this one thing. No more rushing into something that will end badly or never start up. I know he is out there. I can't possibly have all this emotion in me and not be meant to share it with someone special that will appreciate it.
And on that note, I am off to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie.
Until later....
Annie M.
Deja Vu - 8/24/07
It's the steamy end of another August and I find myself documenting an implementation of FA. I am having flashback after flashback of last year. Some good, some bad. Ok, mostly bad. I am reliving the stress of this time last year. But the good news is, I have learned what NOT to do in an implementation. That and I don't actually have to do the data scrubbing which is a huge relief.
I am sharing the PM responsibilities with the contractor and thankfully, she loves to document everything. Now that I am on the other side of the table, I'm realizing how good the consultants and the PM had it with me being the SME in charge of FA and some GL. Sheesh! I mean I'm having a hard time resisting taking over now and I have learned to let go during the last year. Last year I had to have been a tyrant! I know that I was, I can read all about it in the blog. How upset I got when things seemed to be going awry. My employers now only wish I would get that upset about something work related.
I'm not sure if Karma is supposed to cycle around quite this quickly, but hey, everything happens for a reason. I know some of it is because of the change in season. It's getting darker a little earlier and it's getting harder for me to get up in the morning while it's still dark outside. This year, however, I am looking forward to the end of the year, because it means I will have reached my 35th birthday. I know I've mentioned it before, but this one feels magical somehow. Probably because the other milestone birthdays were pretty lackluster. Here are the milestone birthdays and how I spent 'em:
16th - Junior year in high school. Not dating anyone so spent it with the original Geek Squad. No license so no driving on my own, no new car, nothing special about 16...I can honestly say I don't remember what I did that day. I do know that it was on Sunday...maybe that was the year there was a surprise party for me and for my friend Fran who's birthday was a week earlier. The idea was mine for two friends who's birthdays are close together in the Spring time frame. Tell one that the party is for the other and vice versa, and then surprise them both. It might have been 17th birthday which was senior year.
18th - Freshman year in college, hadn't started drinking yet, broke up with my boyfriend that was going to the rival school either that week or the following because he was getting crazy possessive. I know some people will find it hard to believe that someone would get insanely jealous about where I spent my time, but it's true. My birthday would, for the next four years, fall either on Reading Day or the first day of final exams so everyone was too busy to do anything with me. I learned to celebrate early or a week later once everything was done. And even at 18, I still didn't have a driver's license or car. My brother had just signed up for the Navy and we were about to go to war in the Persian Gulf (the first time). All in all, it was a dark time.
21st - I went out on the night before to the only place that took under 21 on campus since I didn't have a fake ID (not good with the whole lying thing). I bought myself my first legal drink, met my future husband and went home alone. That year, my birthday was the first day of exams and a Saturday. That meant there were no exams on the day after my birthday so folks didn't go out the night before which is the traditional 21st celebration time, but the night of my birthday. It felt lame and forced...it probably was. My new love interest...my future ex husband was there. My friends said he wasn't my type and asked why was I with him. If only I'd listened.
25th - First birthday here after the big relocation. I'm sure I got a lame gift from my ex-husband if any, had to make my own birthday cake and somehow my former mother-in-law that I hated was involved. I'm sure I've blocked it out of my mind in an attempt at self-preservation.
30th - I cried because I was 30 years old, pregnant, alone and did I mention I was pregnant? I was in a dead end job with folks that resented me on so many levels...most of which I brought on myself by being my short sighted, immature, opinionated self. Joe's dad took me out to dinner the day after my birthday because just like before, I was in college and I had an exam that night. I missed out on Dave Matthew's Band tickets on my 30th because I wasn't adventurous enough to ask for the exam to be taken earlier to be able to go. Oh, did I mention how Joe's dad took me to dinner and spent the evening talking about how life would be better if I terminated the pregnancy and how it was affecting his relationship with the woman he'd met? Yeah, not a good time.
So #35 has got to be better! My mom has bought my gift for me already. A matching living room suite that hasn't seen the inside of a college dorm or thrift store. I am starting to feel like a grown up. Again, it's probably because as I look at a picture of the kids taken this summer on their cross-country adventure, I realize that they are almost grown up. My relationship with my ex husband only has 6 1/2 years to go until it changes completely.
Alex is only 3 1/2 years from driving. Three years goes by pretty fast some times and I'm sure that this will be no exception! I remember when he was my cute little baby laying on his blanket kicking his legs in excitement when he saw the cat walk by and he tried to figure out what the hell that thing was. Taylor is becoming a young lady and I will have to stay one step ahead of her devious mind and the demented minds of the young boys looking to 'hook up' with her. I've started looking at turtlenecks for her...to the point where my mom said "and what grandmother are you buying that for?" when we were looking for clothes for her recently.
So, instead of being the youngest in my group that gets away with a lot because of that, I have to turn into the responsible one. I have to stay late, come in early, do what needs to be done and do it quietly and without complaint. I have to enjoy life in the now, not live in the past or worry about the future. Plan for it yes, worry about it no. I have to make sure the kids get the best opportunities in life, so they don't have to struggle as much as I have had to in order to get where I am at in life.
I am looking forward to the challenge of it all. Learning to be a better me. Finding my inner peace and being able to grow and be the best me I can be. I know that this involves letting go of a lot of the things I've been holding on to, like my wardrobe, my opinions, my self-perceptions. I know that there is a slogan that gets thrown out there a lot in those twelve step programs..."Let go and Let God". I have to work on the Let Go part first and I think I am slowly learning how to do that. Learning to be the duck and letting things roll off. I am looking forward to a long prosperous life filled with love and laughter. The first 35 years are just the warm up period!
Until later.....
Annie M.
I am sharing the PM responsibilities with the contractor and thankfully, she loves to document everything. Now that I am on the other side of the table, I'm realizing how good the consultants and the PM had it with me being the SME in charge of FA and some GL. Sheesh! I mean I'm having a hard time resisting taking over now and I have learned to let go during the last year. Last year I had to have been a tyrant! I know that I was, I can read all about it in the blog. How upset I got when things seemed to be going awry. My employers now only wish I would get that upset about something work related.
I'm not sure if Karma is supposed to cycle around quite this quickly, but hey, everything happens for a reason. I know some of it is because of the change in season. It's getting darker a little earlier and it's getting harder for me to get up in the morning while it's still dark outside. This year, however, I am looking forward to the end of the year, because it means I will have reached my 35th birthday. I know I've mentioned it before, but this one feels magical somehow. Probably because the other milestone birthdays were pretty lackluster. Here are the milestone birthdays and how I spent 'em:
16th - Junior year in high school. Not dating anyone so spent it with the original Geek Squad. No license so no driving on my own, no new car, nothing special about 16...I can honestly say I don't remember what I did that day. I do know that it was on Sunday...maybe that was the year there was a surprise party for me and for my friend Fran who's birthday was a week earlier. The idea was mine for two friends who's birthdays are close together in the Spring time frame. Tell one that the party is for the other and vice versa, and then surprise them both. It might have been 17th birthday which was senior year.
18th - Freshman year in college, hadn't started drinking yet, broke up with my boyfriend that was going to the rival school either that week or the following because he was getting crazy possessive. I know some people will find it hard to believe that someone would get insanely jealous about where I spent my time, but it's true. My birthday would, for the next four years, fall either on Reading Day or the first day of final exams so everyone was too busy to do anything with me. I learned to celebrate early or a week later once everything was done. And even at 18, I still didn't have a driver's license or car. My brother had just signed up for the Navy and we were about to go to war in the Persian Gulf (the first time). All in all, it was a dark time.
21st - I went out on the night before to the only place that took under 21 on campus since I didn't have a fake ID (not good with the whole lying thing). I bought myself my first legal drink, met my future husband and went home alone. That year, my birthday was the first day of exams and a Saturday. That meant there were no exams on the day after my birthday so folks didn't go out the night before which is the traditional 21st celebration time, but the night of my birthday. It felt lame and forced...it probably was. My new love interest...my future ex husband was there. My friends said he wasn't my type and asked why was I with him. If only I'd listened.
25th - First birthday here after the big relocation. I'm sure I got a lame gift from my ex-husband if any, had to make my own birthday cake and somehow my former mother-in-law that I hated was involved. I'm sure I've blocked it out of my mind in an attempt at self-preservation.
30th - I cried because I was 30 years old, pregnant, alone and did I mention I was pregnant? I was in a dead end job with folks that resented me on so many levels...most of which I brought on myself by being my short sighted, immature, opinionated self. Joe's dad took me out to dinner the day after my birthday because just like before, I was in college and I had an exam that night. I missed out on Dave Matthew's Band tickets on my 30th because I wasn't adventurous enough to ask for the exam to be taken earlier to be able to go. Oh, did I mention how Joe's dad took me to dinner and spent the evening talking about how life would be better if I terminated the pregnancy and how it was affecting his relationship with the woman he'd met? Yeah, not a good time.
So #35 has got to be better! My mom has bought my gift for me already. A matching living room suite that hasn't seen the inside of a college dorm or thrift store. I am starting to feel like a grown up. Again, it's probably because as I look at a picture of the kids taken this summer on their cross-country adventure, I realize that they are almost grown up. My relationship with my ex husband only has 6 1/2 years to go until it changes completely.
Alex is only 3 1/2 years from driving. Three years goes by pretty fast some times and I'm sure that this will be no exception! I remember when he was my cute little baby laying on his blanket kicking his legs in excitement when he saw the cat walk by and he tried to figure out what the hell that thing was. Taylor is becoming a young lady and I will have to stay one step ahead of her devious mind and the demented minds of the young boys looking to 'hook up' with her. I've started looking at turtlenecks for her...to the point where my mom said "and what grandmother are you buying that for?" when we were looking for clothes for her recently.
So, instead of being the youngest in my group that gets away with a lot because of that, I have to turn into the responsible one. I have to stay late, come in early, do what needs to be done and do it quietly and without complaint. I have to enjoy life in the now, not live in the past or worry about the future. Plan for it yes, worry about it no. I have to make sure the kids get the best opportunities in life, so they don't have to struggle as much as I have had to in order to get where I am at in life.
I am looking forward to the challenge of it all. Learning to be a better me. Finding my inner peace and being able to grow and be the best me I can be. I know that this involves letting go of a lot of the things I've been holding on to, like my wardrobe, my opinions, my self-perceptions. I know that there is a slogan that gets thrown out there a lot in those twelve step programs..."Let go and Let God". I have to work on the Let Go part first and I think I am slowly learning how to do that. Learning to be the duck and letting things roll off. I am looking forward to a long prosperous life filled with love and laughter. The first 35 years are just the warm up period!
Until later.....
Annie M.
Happy Birthday - 08/12/07
Ok, so I'm ten days late. When have I ever been on time? I was even born a week late. Never going to catch up!
I have been blogging for a year now. Some things have changed, some things haven't. It's hard to believe how much a life can alter in just a year. Here is the short list of the things that have changed:
1. Address
2. Employer
3. Hair color
4. Outlook on life
5. Income
6. Disposable income (totally different from #5!)
7. Willingness to eat vegetables
8. Work behavior (yes, an old dog can learn new tricks)
9. Exercise habits
10. Ability to handle stress
Here is the short list of things that haven't changed in a year:
1. Sense of humor
2. Mood swings from high to low (although it's less trapeze and more baby swing now)
3. Penchant for diet pepsi and anything carbohydrate!
4. Ability to create sexual fantasies out of any situation
5. The people I truly call friends
6. Determination to make myself the best "me" possible
7. My love of college football
8. Money management skills (or lack thereof)
9. My dislike of laundry and pretty much any housecleaning chore
10. My cleavage!
Ok, so I had to find some stuff to put on each list. Although, there are a bunch of things that I am very proud of for making positive changes in my life. I've had help. That should be the first change I should acknowledge...the ability to accept help from others. I'm not good at it still, but I have little conversations in my head "Now, come on, just admit you don't know it and ask for help" and then I show myself to be the bigger person by asking for help rather than ignoring the issue.
I've also grown emotionally by learning to step away from situations before I get too involved. That's what caused my termination from the job I had last year. Getting too emotionally involved. The job in the middle was a learning experience...I learned I really shouldn't be around others. "Annie doesn't play well with others"...it was on my Kindergarten report card. That and "Annie finishes her work early and then bothers the other children while they are finishing their work". I still do that one too. I guess I learned how to entertain myself since I wasn't allowed to bother the others. I think my best working environment is where I have a set goal and a deadline, but without someone constantly popping in to see how things are going. Unless he happens to fill out a pair of jeans very nicely...then he can interrupt all he wants! As long as he doesn't expect a coherent answer.
One aspect of change from the last year that I am extremely happy about is the improvement in the quality of life for the kids and I. My mom has been here for the last month and the kids have had a real summer...staying home, sleeping in, watching TV, going to the pool, etc. Joe took his first swim classes. He didn't pass, but they tell us none of them do the first time around. That it usually takes 3 or 4 tries at the class to get through it. Alex and Taylor are nut brown from spending all the time outside, they are all taller and healthier from the exercise we did this summer, the change in eating habits and all around more attention to health. Not spending 2 hours in traffic every day frees up our entire day so we sleep a little later, get home a little earlier and actually have time to spend with each other during the day before it's time for bath and bed.
I say all this after spending the last week eagerly anticipating the first day of school tomorrow. Even Joe is going. We found a great daycare with a private pre-k program that will teach him Spanish and computer skills before the year is through. Over the weekend I picked up some school clothes for him including new shoes which we were so excited about showing him when he came home from Michael's....only to have him walk in with the exact same new shoes on his feet. How funny is that!?! Well, at least we both know what the kid likes, right?
I'm thinking back to the first day of school excitement that I had growing up. Even as recent as a few years ago when I was getting my second degree and a new semester would start. I think I'm feeling Joe's excitement tonight...I can't sleep, I'm picking out clothes, laying them out, lining up everything to be packed up and hoping I don't miss the alarm in the morning. In a perfect world, this goes swimmingly in the morning, Joe wakes up happy, gladly gets dressed, quickly eats his breakfast and is ready to face the day by 6:45. More likely, I will oversleep, rush around trying to get ready, change outfits three times, hate my hair and in this lovely mood, wake him up at 6:30, dress him while he's half asleep and grab a piece of bread for him as we are heading out the door. Fortunately, the private pre-k includes before and after care so he will get breakfast too!
So I'd have to say that the last year, while traumatic and dramatic in spots, has been a positive one. One in which I grew as a mother, employee and person. I know there is one big area left in my life that needs serious work, but I think that will have to be next year. Thanks for reading, thanks for the comments and thanks for allowing me to vent, pontificate and basically blab all while under the guise of 'writing'.
Until later.....
Annie M.
I have been blogging for a year now. Some things have changed, some things haven't. It's hard to believe how much a life can alter in just a year. Here is the short list of the things that have changed:
1. Address
2. Employer
3. Hair color
4. Outlook on life
5. Income
6. Disposable income (totally different from #5!)
7. Willingness to eat vegetables
8. Work behavior (yes, an old dog can learn new tricks)
9. Exercise habits
10. Ability to handle stress
Here is the short list of things that haven't changed in a year:
1. Sense of humor
2. Mood swings from high to low (although it's less trapeze and more baby swing now)
3. Penchant for diet pepsi and anything carbohydrate!
4. Ability to create sexual fantasies out of any situation
5. The people I truly call friends
6. Determination to make myself the best "me" possible
7. My love of college football
8. Money management skills (or lack thereof)
9. My dislike of laundry and pretty much any housecleaning chore
10. My cleavage!
Ok, so I had to find some stuff to put on each list. Although, there are a bunch of things that I am very proud of for making positive changes in my life. I've had help. That should be the first change I should acknowledge...the ability to accept help from others. I'm not good at it still, but I have little conversations in my head "Now, come on, just admit you don't know it and ask for help" and then I show myself to be the bigger person by asking for help rather than ignoring the issue.
I've also grown emotionally by learning to step away from situations before I get too involved. That's what caused my termination from the job I had last year. Getting too emotionally involved. The job in the middle was a learning experience...I learned I really shouldn't be around others. "Annie doesn't play well with others"...it was on my Kindergarten report card. That and "Annie finishes her work early and then bothers the other children while they are finishing their work". I still do that one too. I guess I learned how to entertain myself since I wasn't allowed to bother the others. I think my best working environment is where I have a set goal and a deadline, but without someone constantly popping in to see how things are going. Unless he happens to fill out a pair of jeans very nicely...then he can interrupt all he wants! As long as he doesn't expect a coherent answer.
One aspect of change from the last year that I am extremely happy about is the improvement in the quality of life for the kids and I. My mom has been here for the last month and the kids have had a real summer...staying home, sleeping in, watching TV, going to the pool, etc. Joe took his first swim classes. He didn't pass, but they tell us none of them do the first time around. That it usually takes 3 or 4 tries at the class to get through it. Alex and Taylor are nut brown from spending all the time outside, they are all taller and healthier from the exercise we did this summer, the change in eating habits and all around more attention to health. Not spending 2 hours in traffic every day frees up our entire day so we sleep a little later, get home a little earlier and actually have time to spend with each other during the day before it's time for bath and bed.
I say all this after spending the last week eagerly anticipating the first day of school tomorrow. Even Joe is going. We found a great daycare with a private pre-k program that will teach him Spanish and computer skills before the year is through. Over the weekend I picked up some school clothes for him including new shoes which we were so excited about showing him when he came home from Michael's....only to have him walk in with the exact same new shoes on his feet. How funny is that!?! Well, at least we both know what the kid likes, right?
I'm thinking back to the first day of school excitement that I had growing up. Even as recent as a few years ago when I was getting my second degree and a new semester would start. I think I'm feeling Joe's excitement tonight...I can't sleep, I'm picking out clothes, laying them out, lining up everything to be packed up and hoping I don't miss the alarm in the morning. In a perfect world, this goes swimmingly in the morning, Joe wakes up happy, gladly gets dressed, quickly eats his breakfast and is ready to face the day by 6:45. More likely, I will oversleep, rush around trying to get ready, change outfits three times, hate my hair and in this lovely mood, wake him up at 6:30, dress him while he's half asleep and grab a piece of bread for him as we are heading out the door. Fortunately, the private pre-k includes before and after care so he will get breakfast too!
So I'd have to say that the last year, while traumatic and dramatic in spots, has been a positive one. One in which I grew as a mother, employee and person. I know there is one big area left in my life that needs serious work, but I think that will have to be next year. Thanks for reading, thanks for the comments and thanks for allowing me to vent, pontificate and basically blab all while under the guise of 'writing'.
Until later.....
Annie M.
Happy Anniversary! - 8/16/07
Today is my wedding anniversary. I can't believe that 13 years ago, I thought marrying my ex husband was a good idea. Oh yeah, it's also the 30th anniversary of the death of Elvis. So all in all, a day for making bad decisions. Thankfully, I didn't make any decisions today other than picking out my lunch. Although that was crab cakes and you never know...that's really a gamble in itself.
I guess it's weird that I am commemorate the date. I suppose because 1) I want to remember not to make the same mistake twice and 2) I hope that this is not the only opportunity I get to say "I do" with someone special. And to honor this special date, I've decided to comment on the pill popping society we have become in the last 30 years.
I've spent a lot of time watching TV this summer. The reasons for that are innumerable, but let's go with it's too hot to do anything else. Lately it's been HGTV, BBC America and USA Network. I should note that my mom has been living with me since the middle of July and so when I watch TV she is there. She's also a nurse and has been for at least 25 years (I'm foggy about her graduation date...I think I was 7 or so). So as we sit and watch these shows, there is a certain 'restless leg syndrome' medicine commercial that comes up frequently. I've joked with friends and family in the past about the disclaimers that they have at the end of these type of commercials "Do not take if you walk upright or have hair, side effects include speaking in tongues and growth of third arm in center of the back".
This particular one states that you may experience an increase in addictive behaviors such as gambling, sexual experiences and drug and alcohol consumption. Dude! Sign me up for that one...that sounds like fun! Of course, I've never had the side effects from prescriptions that I've had to take except for the antibiotic that disabled my birth control pill in 1995...resulting in my daughter. So I would only get the relief from restless leg syndrome. And my mother chimes in to let me know that RLS is actually the first sign of Parkinson's disease. Hmmmm...interesting. Knowing the long, painful decline after being diagnosed with Parkinson's, I'm pretty sure that I would want to go ahead, take the meds, get relief from the symptoms and hope the side effects take me out early, probably not with dignity, but with a hell of a lot of good times under my belt. Wait that sounded wrong....you know what I meant.
Years ago, when the ED relief commercials flooded the airwaves, my mom explained that ED is nature's way of saying you have high blood pressure and shouldn't be doing strenuous activity. I've noticed now that the disclaimer has changed to include the "if you have ED, this may be a sign that you have high blood pressure or an enlarged prostate and should seek medical attention" tidbit of info. This was probably after they were sued following the 'untimely' deaths of the 60+ generation that was their customer base after using their products. I'm sure that SNL has had a skit or two on this topic.
I, for one, would love to find happiness in a pill. Just remember to take that every day and nothing will go wrong. Of course, having a family history of alcohol and drug abuse, I wouldn't be able to continue the regimen for long, but it would be nice while it lasted. When I say I wouldn't be able to do it for long...it's because my inner child will scream out "do you want to end up like the rest? Why do you need this crutch?" and I will gradually begin to listen and then wean myself off of it. The only constants in my life are Diet Pepsi and chocolate....in fact, I'm eating them now...peanut M&M's and a cold Diet Pepsi. Mmmmmm...that's good.There are other pills out there that appeal to every one's secret wish to be taller, thinner, richer, more manly or just plain more. I've found that as long as you believe the medicine will work, it'll work. The only thing I found that worked whether I believed in it or not was aspirin...but only the uncoated kind that eats at your stomach lining about 10 minutes after you've taken it. And since I can't remember which disease it is that will cause death if you take aspirin at the same time, I don't keep aspirin in the house.
I've begun to get serious about the study of Yoga. I like it because you are using your mind to control your body and vice versa. I can go at my own pace and discover my own path while still following the guidelines of the practice. Intent is a huge part of it. A book I read recently echoed one of the philosophies of releasing ourselves from selfish desires or wants. Mainly, if we stop trying so hard to be like everyone else, we can be ourselves and things will flow smoother...that whole not fighting the current, but to go in the direction you are meant to go in. The number one tool to practicing yoga...patience. This is going to be the deal breaker for me. If I lose my patience, it's over. I would pretty much have to start over from the beginning and you know how I hate to do things twice. Now that's one thing that if it came in a pill I would take it two or three times a day, and then fret until I felt it begin to work.
So the next time the commercials come on, and a pharmaceutical company comes on with their latest and greatest solution to the woes of the world, stop and listen. I think you'll get a good laugh out of them too.
Until later.....
Annie M.
I guess it's weird that I am commemorate the date. I suppose because 1) I want to remember not to make the same mistake twice and 2) I hope that this is not the only opportunity I get to say "I do" with someone special. And to honor this special date, I've decided to comment on the pill popping society we have become in the last 30 years.
I've spent a lot of time watching TV this summer. The reasons for that are innumerable, but let's go with it's too hot to do anything else. Lately it's been HGTV, BBC America and USA Network. I should note that my mom has been living with me since the middle of July and so when I watch TV she is there. She's also a nurse and has been for at least 25 years (I'm foggy about her graduation date...I think I was 7 or so). So as we sit and watch these shows, there is a certain 'restless leg syndrome' medicine commercial that comes up frequently. I've joked with friends and family in the past about the disclaimers that they have at the end of these type of commercials "Do not take if you walk upright or have hair, side effects include speaking in tongues and growth of third arm in center of the back".
This particular one states that you may experience an increase in addictive behaviors such as gambling, sexual experiences and drug and alcohol consumption. Dude! Sign me up for that one...that sounds like fun! Of course, I've never had the side effects from prescriptions that I've had to take except for the antibiotic that disabled my birth control pill in 1995...resulting in my daughter. So I would only get the relief from restless leg syndrome. And my mother chimes in to let me know that RLS is actually the first sign of Parkinson's disease. Hmmmm...interesting. Knowing the long, painful decline after being diagnosed with Parkinson's, I'm pretty sure that I would want to go ahead, take the meds, get relief from the symptoms and hope the side effects take me out early, probably not with dignity, but with a hell of a lot of good times under my belt. Wait that sounded wrong....you know what I meant.
Years ago, when the ED relief commercials flooded the airwaves, my mom explained that ED is nature's way of saying you have high blood pressure and shouldn't be doing strenuous activity. I've noticed now that the disclaimer has changed to include the "if you have ED, this may be a sign that you have high blood pressure or an enlarged prostate and should seek medical attention" tidbit of info. This was probably after they were sued following the 'untimely' deaths of the 60+ generation that was their customer base after using their products. I'm sure that SNL has had a skit or two on this topic.
I, for one, would love to find happiness in a pill. Just remember to take that every day and nothing will go wrong. Of course, having a family history of alcohol and drug abuse, I wouldn't be able to continue the regimen for long, but it would be nice while it lasted. When I say I wouldn't be able to do it for long...it's because my inner child will scream out "do you want to end up like the rest? Why do you need this crutch?" and I will gradually begin to listen and then wean myself off of it. The only constants in my life are Diet Pepsi and chocolate....in fact, I'm eating them now...peanut M&M's and a cold Diet Pepsi. Mmmmmm...that's good.There are other pills out there that appeal to every one's secret wish to be taller, thinner, richer, more manly or just plain more. I've found that as long as you believe the medicine will work, it'll work. The only thing I found that worked whether I believed in it or not was aspirin...but only the uncoated kind that eats at your stomach lining about 10 minutes after you've taken it. And since I can't remember which disease it is that will cause death if you take aspirin at the same time, I don't keep aspirin in the house.
I've begun to get serious about the study of Yoga. I like it because you are using your mind to control your body and vice versa. I can go at my own pace and discover my own path while still following the guidelines of the practice. Intent is a huge part of it. A book I read recently echoed one of the philosophies of releasing ourselves from selfish desires or wants. Mainly, if we stop trying so hard to be like everyone else, we can be ourselves and things will flow smoother...that whole not fighting the current, but to go in the direction you are meant to go in. The number one tool to practicing yoga...patience. This is going to be the deal breaker for me. If I lose my patience, it's over. I would pretty much have to start over from the beginning and you know how I hate to do things twice. Now that's one thing that if it came in a pill I would take it two or three times a day, and then fret until I felt it begin to work.
So the next time the commercials come on, and a pharmaceutical company comes on with their latest and greatest solution to the woes of the world, stop and listen. I think you'll get a good laugh out of them too.
Until later.....
Annie M.
New leaf
It's fall. Leaves are changing colors, temperatures are getting cooler and most people are getting ready for the holidays with lots of festivities and decorations. For me, fall is a time to reflect on the year that's passed and take stock of where I am in life. I think this is why most people have a tough time at the holidays because it's a reminder that another year has gone by and it makes them realize how much or how little they have done with the time.
My birthday is officially in the fall season although I prefer the old pagan calendar that has winter starting on Halloween and the midpoint in December rather than starting in December. That makes more sense somehow. Winter is the time for quiet and reflection and renewal. Dormant is a good word. Like seeds in the ground, I think that winter is the time we all tend to lie fallow and wait for the warmer temperatures to thaw out our spirits.
I realize that not everyone feels this way. For some, winter is the time they get most energized. I have made a commitment to myself starting this week that I would do things differently from now on. So maybe in doing that, turning over a new leaf, I will take a different look at each of the seasons and change my perception of them. Or maybe just what I do in them first then my perception will change accordingly.
One thing I am no longer doing is dwelling on the past. I will learn from it, but no longer live in it. The other day something happened that got me to thinking. If someone you know denies knowing you, does that mean that everything that's happened between you is erased? That's an awesome concept! Like the movie where you could pay to have certain memories erased in order to go through life without reliving the painful moments of your life. I have elected to do this on my own. What does this get me, you ask? I'll tell you. It allows me to stop going over everything that I've ever done and wonder should I have done it differently or at all. The self doubt, self-recrimination and second-guessing all ends. It's very liberating.
I decided to erase those memories on Thursday night. Friday was a great day. I bought myself roses, enjoyed conversations with coworkers at our Thanksgiving luncheon and laughed out loud at random parts of the day because I felt free. The crazy part was that I was doing the misery making to myself. Now that is truly insane!
This weekend, with my new philosophy, I have been more active and energetic. My family is surprised at my level of activity and involvement. Living in the now is fabulous, and I highly recommend it to all.
We just returned from a family bike ride...although I will be getting my bike shortly for my birthday. We had fun, got some exercise and fresh air and disconnected for a bit. Now that is the way to live. We are home now, the kids are watching tv and I am about to run to the store to get the fixings for chocolate chip cookies. It's a languid, no rush kind of day and that's what we are focusing on today!!!
I will let you know how the new leaf is turning as I go through the seasons.
Until later....
Annie M.
My birthday is officially in the fall season although I prefer the old pagan calendar that has winter starting on Halloween and the midpoint in December rather than starting in December. That makes more sense somehow. Winter is the time for quiet and reflection and renewal. Dormant is a good word. Like seeds in the ground, I think that winter is the time we all tend to lie fallow and wait for the warmer temperatures to thaw out our spirits.
I realize that not everyone feels this way. For some, winter is the time they get most energized. I have made a commitment to myself starting this week that I would do things differently from now on. So maybe in doing that, turning over a new leaf, I will take a different look at each of the seasons and change my perception of them. Or maybe just what I do in them first then my perception will change accordingly.
One thing I am no longer doing is dwelling on the past. I will learn from it, but no longer live in it. The other day something happened that got me to thinking. If someone you know denies knowing you, does that mean that everything that's happened between you is erased? That's an awesome concept! Like the movie where you could pay to have certain memories erased in order to go through life without reliving the painful moments of your life. I have elected to do this on my own. What does this get me, you ask? I'll tell you. It allows me to stop going over everything that I've ever done and wonder should I have done it differently or at all. The self doubt, self-recrimination and second-guessing all ends. It's very liberating.
I decided to erase those memories on Thursday night. Friday was a great day. I bought myself roses, enjoyed conversations with coworkers at our Thanksgiving luncheon and laughed out loud at random parts of the day because I felt free. The crazy part was that I was doing the misery making to myself. Now that is truly insane!
This weekend, with my new philosophy, I have been more active and energetic. My family is surprised at my level of activity and involvement. Living in the now is fabulous, and I highly recommend it to all.
We just returned from a family bike ride...although I will be getting my bike shortly for my birthday. We had fun, got some exercise and fresh air and disconnected for a bit. Now that is the way to live. We are home now, the kids are watching tv and I am about to run to the store to get the fixings for chocolate chip cookies. It's a languid, no rush kind of day and that's what we are focusing on today!!!
I will let you know how the new leaf is turning as I go through the seasons.
Until later....
Annie M.
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