Wow! What a day. 24 hours really since it didn't all happen today. When I told a friend about what all had gone on, she asked "Who did you piss off in a past life?" and yes, it really is that bad. Well in my mind anyway. And we know what a dark and twisted place that can be.
So here goes:
First thing happened last night about 10'ish, not going to discuss it, but it was pretty painful. Set me in the bad mood I woke up in this morning and from there the day went downhill. I had been all set to get up early to exercise on my new elliptical machine, but found I just didn't care if I got gross and fat. That was, of course, before I tried to squeeze my ass into a pair of jeans for casual Friday. Joe put up a slight fuss about being woken up to get dressed. I didn't want the hassle of trying to get medicine into him in the morning so I just threw some more guilt on for not taking care of my child and got in the car.
Next, on the way to work, I sat patiently behind tons of trucks and cars at this one particular light for about 20 minutes going to and from Joe's 'other' daycare that's closer to work. After turning right at the light, I realized there was no traffic around me and in a daydream worrying about how I could recover from the first bad thing that happened, I ended up getting a speeding ticket for going 80 in a 55. I am a dumbass...no question about it. I was willing to take the hit and 'fess up to the crime.
After I pulled over, I was searching for my registration. Of course, it's safely tucked away in a drawer in the living room. Fortunately, the cop was able to search my info so didn't need to have it, but he asked "Is this your first speeding ticket or have you gotten one before?" I answered that I'd had one before and he followed up with "So you didn't learn your lesson from that experience?". Apparently not. That's what set me off into a bout of crying that has just ended about an hour ago. I am so upset with myself for not learning from past mistakes, not listening to friends and others that told me not to do certain things, but I did them anyway. I want to say right here and now, that I am sorry for not listening, you were right. Now, seeing as how I deluded myself for so long, I can't trust myself in any situation. Nothing like a confidence buster when you're getting ready for a new job!
The crying had two good outcomes though...one is release of pent up anxiety and worry. It's been awhile since my last good cry, like 2 or 3 months so that's good. The other is that the cop thought I was so upset about the ticket, that he knocked it down to 69 in a 55 and so no points will be taken off of my license and I'll pay the minimum fine. Silver lining...whatever. So I get to work and everyone can tell some thing is wrong, but I don't want to discuss it, so they all leave me alone. Then my boss calls us all into a meeting around 9 am. No one has any clue what it's about, so we all go a bit early to see if we can figure it out. The entire meeting lasted about 7 and 1/2 minutes and was entirely my boss talking to the group apologizing for the state of the department, his lack of involvement and how everything is going to change for the better and be glorious and magnificent. Oh yeah, and that I am leaving the company.
I left there feeling like I have to leave for positive change to take place. In pretty much everything I do. I joked once that in order to meet the love of your life, you just have to break up with me first and she'll be the next person you date. It's like magic! People's lives are enriched by my leaving is the general message I'm picking up. I remember when I was in college during my sophomore year, I was taking an Astronomy class...Honors college kids get cool science options....and so feeling much the same way as I do now, I described my situation using the newly learned astronomical phrases such as red dwarf, super nova and meteor. I'm sure if I look in one of my past journals I'll find it there. Wow, I am really melodramatic at times! Ok, all the time....
As you can see, right now I'm looking for the cave to go hide in for a little bit. I have the right to have at least 24 hours of pity partying and then I need to get my act together and make changes. Obviously I am insane since I keep doing the same damned things over and over and expect things to come out differently. So as part of my rehab, I will try something new. Like sticking to my word when I say I'm going to do or to not do something anymore. It's gotten so bad lately, I don't even believe me when I say I'm going to do something. I need to have someone to hold me to my word, well besides me I mean. Apparently I am weak and can talk myself out of stuff very easily.
Ok, pity party is winding down. I will be driving up to NC this weekend to celebrate Mom's day early with my grandmother and the kids. I will be thoroughly exhausted and irritated when I get back on Sunday, but it's something I should have done months ago....and I gave my word. I'll let you know how it goes....this whole turning over a new leaf thing is going to be work, huh?
Dammit!
Until later....
Annie M.
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