I'm sitting here getting ready to go to church where I've been asked to be an elder for the next three years and I'm listening to Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" over and over again. This just shows you the complexity of humanity. Or it shows you that I can compartmentalize with the best of 'em!
So my quandary now is what to do about the person of interest in my life right now. His situation is not clear and free although he's not married or in love. Even saying that means I'm trying to justify my behavior when I know darned well that I need to just walk away. But damn! He's sexy, funny, smart, ambitious, and did I mention sexy? And he wants to spend time with me and tells me these things that make me lose my breath. Could be that he's even freakier than I am. Any one that jumps out of a plane willingly or gets their nipple pierced on a dare likes risk a bit more than me.
So you can see what the dilemma is....live the straight and somewhat narrow now that I am to be a church leader or give into this temptation and spend more time with him. I want to do both, but as in the past I am afraid that if I don't take the opportunity to be with him, it won't come around again and I will regret it. Although more than likely I'll end up feeling much like I did after being with Mike. Alone in a relationship.
Ok, so the strong, rational part of me has decided to stay away. Ignore him and if he gets in touch with me, just explain that with this new development in my life, I can't be in his life until he gets his straightened out. If he doesn't make a move then I know what the answer to "what's he in this for?", won't I?
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't we be like animals and just mate and move on? I suppose being human means we are relational creatures. "No man is an island..." and whatnot. But it's just cruel to have to go through this crap.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Sunday, November 25, 2007
A ski bunny I am not....
Ouch! In so many ways, ouch! I had my very first ski lesson this weekend. Sugar Mountain was busy making snow and Alex wanted to take snowboarding lessons. I figured it was time for me to try something new so I signed up for ski lessons as well. Well, make that a ski lesson. And it was the longest hour of my life. Who knew skiing was so painful? And forget trying to learn how to work the dang lift!!!! I couldn't stay upright for longer than 2 minutes...well except for climbing back up the 30 feet of slope where my lesson took place.
I fell at least 4 times and my mom asked me how my lesson in public humiliation went. I honestly didn't care if people saw me fall. I was trying to not break anything. On my first fall I did feel something pop in both my right hand and my right leg. After that it was about trying to not leave permanent damage. My instructor, Z-, was very helpful and encouraging, but the whole "Now, why do you think you fell?" line of questioning got a bit old. I fell because I lost my balance if you want to know the simple truth. Thirty four years of trying to not lean forward while going down hill rapidly on slicked up pieces of fiberglass is a hard habit to break. And it wasn't one that I was going to learn in that hour.
I don't know that I will be on the slopes again, but at least I've tried it. I have so much respect for those people that make it look so effortless. Ok, the little kids that swooshed by me on the slopes were a bit irritating, but I have to hand it to them...they knew what they were doing. I guess I'm still looking for that something that comes to me effortlessly. It's like trying on tons of dresses to find the perfect one for the party/dance/prom/wedding. Each one is a lesson learned I suppose.
I am still limping from the lesson so it's great that I have the next two days off to recuperate. Of course, I'm supposed to be decorating the house for the holidays, but the tree is more than I can handle when I have two good legs so that might have to wait a bit. I will get some of the lesser decorations out and purge while no one is hovering over me. Letting go of the past is a lot like a garage sale. Once it's gone, you really do have more room for new stuff!
So I'm off to think about some more stuff I am wanting to let go of, including the vision of me as a world medalist ski champion. Maybe I should stick with cross country skiing...no big slopes to fall down. Let me get healed up from this last episode and I will try again.
Until later...
Annie M.
I fell at least 4 times and my mom asked me how my lesson in public humiliation went. I honestly didn't care if people saw me fall. I was trying to not break anything. On my first fall I did feel something pop in both my right hand and my right leg. After that it was about trying to not leave permanent damage. My instructor, Z-, was very helpful and encouraging, but the whole "Now, why do you think you fell?" line of questioning got a bit old. I fell because I lost my balance if you want to know the simple truth. Thirty four years of trying to not lean forward while going down hill rapidly on slicked up pieces of fiberglass is a hard habit to break. And it wasn't one that I was going to learn in that hour.
I don't know that I will be on the slopes again, but at least I've tried it. I have so much respect for those people that make it look so effortless. Ok, the little kids that swooshed by me on the slopes were a bit irritating, but I have to hand it to them...they knew what they were doing. I guess I'm still looking for that something that comes to me effortlessly. It's like trying on tons of dresses to find the perfect one for the party/dance/prom/wedding. Each one is a lesson learned I suppose.
I am still limping from the lesson so it's great that I have the next two days off to recuperate. Of course, I'm supposed to be decorating the house for the holidays, but the tree is more than I can handle when I have two good legs so that might have to wait a bit. I will get some of the lesser decorations out and purge while no one is hovering over me. Letting go of the past is a lot like a garage sale. Once it's gone, you really do have more room for new stuff!
So I'm off to think about some more stuff I am wanting to let go of, including the vision of me as a world medalist ski champion. Maybe I should stick with cross country skiing...no big slopes to fall down. Let me get healed up from this last episode and I will try again.
Until later...
Annie M.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Busy Day
What a busy day I've had! First there were cooking lessons for Taylor on the right way to make bacon...yeah, that was my mom teaching her how to do it since I only know how to order bacon. Then it was laundry and get the kids dressed and ready for travel. We rode bikes and got fresh air and interacted with others. Joe is really improving on the bike with help from mom and grandma.
Once we got home, I started on making chocolate chip cookies. I was going to make them for the work function last week, but felt I shouldn't be killing myself for people that wouldn't appreciate it. So I saved it for the weekend. The kids came in every 1/2 hour to see if they could have one as I was making them. Even my mom called it torture to have the smell of fresh baked cookies going through the house and not being allowed to eat any.
While the cookies were baking, I'd have 9 minutes to do something so I elected to go through my hijacked blog entries and see if I wanted to post them here. I did. Mostly because I didn't want to lose some of what I'd written and because I wanted to lay claim to my words and my ideas. It was interesting to read through and relive some of the things that have happened over the last year. I'm very glad that a lot of what I wrote is gone forever. That way I am able to really start fresh. Slight reminders are ok, all encompassing dwelling, not ok.
So now, the kids are all chocked full of sugar, the house is overly warm and slightly buttery smelling and I feel refreshed from spending the afternoon reading, editing and writing. I will be spending the evening working on getting some technical stuff set up with a friend, then luxuriating in a warm bath and calling it a good day.
Until later....
Annie M.
Once we got home, I started on making chocolate chip cookies. I was going to make them for the work function last week, but felt I shouldn't be killing myself for people that wouldn't appreciate it. So I saved it for the weekend. The kids came in every 1/2 hour to see if they could have one as I was making them. Even my mom called it torture to have the smell of fresh baked cookies going through the house and not being allowed to eat any.
While the cookies were baking, I'd have 9 minutes to do something so I elected to go through my hijacked blog entries and see if I wanted to post them here. I did. Mostly because I didn't want to lose some of what I'd written and because I wanted to lay claim to my words and my ideas. It was interesting to read through and relive some of the things that have happened over the last year. I'm very glad that a lot of what I wrote is gone forever. That way I am able to really start fresh. Slight reminders are ok, all encompassing dwelling, not ok.
So now, the kids are all chocked full of sugar, the house is overly warm and slightly buttery smelling and I feel refreshed from spending the afternoon reading, editing and writing. I will be spending the evening working on getting some technical stuff set up with a friend, then luxuriating in a warm bath and calling it a good day.
Until later....
Annie M.
Gratitude Listing - 10/29/06
I've been promising to myself that I would do a catch up listing of things I am grateful for. I've decided to do 5 things for each day of October that has transpired so far. These are in no particular order and hopefully I'll get the math right on 29 x 5 (145?). I hope some of the things on this list inspire you to write your own gratitude list!
1. My kids - love, joy, humor, amazement
2. Sunny fall days-crisp air, leaves falling, a sense of accomplishment on another year passed
3. Sunny spring days - anticipation, new beginnings, growth
4. A cool bottle of water after working out
5. All the colors in nature
6. Affectionate cats
7. A freshly made bed to crawl into for a nap on a sunny spring/fall afternoon.
8. The ability to express myself
9. The liberty to express myself
10. Ice cream
11. Diet Pepsi
12. An easy commute into work when I least expect it.
13. Good friends
14. Butterflies
15. Hummingbirds
16. The wind in the trees
17. Elastic waist shorts
18. My gray hair
19. Faux fur
20. Pretty shoes
21. Comfy slippers
22. Sexy lingerie
23. Good sense
24. My mom
25. Cell phones
26. Hallmark greeting cards
27. The internet
28. Email
29. My 10th grade requirement of typing class
30. Learning a foreign language
31. The variety of chicken art available in this world
32. Paint by numbers
33. That my car starts every morning
34. That I start every morning
35. That everyone I love makes it safely through another day
36. Road maps
37. Highways for speedy travel
38. Byways for interesting travel
39. Antique shops
40. History books
41. PBS
42. DVD players
43. Music
44. Laughter
45. Good jokes
46. Intelligence
47. Cute babies
48. Attractive men
49. Couples in love
50. Strong women in my family
51. Being an American
52. Ability to pick up a book on practically anything at the local bookstore
53. Reading with my youngest son
54. Exercising with my kids
55. Learning new things
56. My alarm clock (auto sets for daylight savings!)
57. The house I am able to provide for myself and my kids
58. That I have a car and don't need to take the bus everywhere
59. Pretty views
60. Good movies
61. Good TV
62. Exciting football games
63. Staying alive in survival fantasy football for another week
64. Cooking a good meal for my family
65. Swimming pools
66. The ocean
67. Good books
68. Inspirational quotes
69. Motivational chat rooms
70. Catalogs
71. Online shopping
72. Sales
73. The perfect song on the radio
74. My iPod
75. My replacement iPod
76. Laptop computers
77. The concept of wireless (never has worked for me)
78. Microwaves
79. Dishwashers
80. Favorite restaurants
81. ATM's
82. Matchmakers
83. Anticipation of a good thing
84. Traveling
85. Indoor plumbing (I know this has been mentioned before, but really can we be too grateful for this one?)
86. Kids' soccer leagues
87. Golf courses
88. Riding lawn mowers (again conceptually I'm glad it exists, even if I've never used one)
89. Physical strength
90. Pretty toe nail polish
91. Spa pedicures
92. Acrylic nails
93. Nice smelling candles
94. Nice smelling shampoo
95. Being an individual
96. Wind chimes
97. Jasmine
98. Gardenias
99. Dryer sheets
100. Chocolate
101. My favorite gum
102. Challenging work
103. Crayons
104. Coloring books
105. My ex husband for giving me Alex and Taylor
106. Joe's father for helping to make Joe
107. The folks that gave me my first job out of college (the first time)
108. Naps
109. Voice mail
110. Personality tests
111. Good bumper stickers
112. A good walk
113. A good run
114. A nice drive
115. Flying somewhere exotic
116. Flying somewhere new
117. Packing for a trip
118. Good pillows
119. Feather beds
120. Pretty jewelry
121. Good neighbors
122. Christmas decorations
123. Halloween candy
124. Thanksgiving dinner
125. Holiday traditions
126. Easter - sense of renewal....and the candy
127. Growing up at the beach
128. Getting my driver's license with help from Sear's
129. Shoe stores
130. Victoria's Secret stores
131. Classical music
132. Frederick's lingerie stores
133. Massages
134. Facials
135. Soft pretzels
136. Step moms
137. Good artwork
138. Pretty furniture
139. Birds chirping
140. Rain storms
141. Snow
142. Spring
143. The grower's market in Loganville
144. Walmart
145. Bedtimes
Ok, that pretty much ran the gamut from A-Z as far as topics. I'll try to keep up with 5 per day. Wish me luck.
Until next time....
Annie M.
1. My kids - love, joy, humor, amazement
2. Sunny fall days-crisp air, leaves falling, a sense of accomplishment on another year passed
3. Sunny spring days - anticipation, new beginnings, growth
4. A cool bottle of water after working out
5. All the colors in nature
6. Affectionate cats
7. A freshly made bed to crawl into for a nap on a sunny spring/fall afternoon.
8. The ability to express myself
9. The liberty to express myself
10. Ice cream
11. Diet Pepsi
12. An easy commute into work when I least expect it.
13. Good friends
14. Butterflies
15. Hummingbirds
16. The wind in the trees
17. Elastic waist shorts
18. My gray hair
19. Faux fur
20. Pretty shoes
21. Comfy slippers
22. Sexy lingerie
23. Good sense
24. My mom
25. Cell phones
26. Hallmark greeting cards
27. The internet
28. Email
29. My 10th grade requirement of typing class
30. Learning a foreign language
31. The variety of chicken art available in this world
32. Paint by numbers
33. That my car starts every morning
34. That I start every morning
35. That everyone I love makes it safely through another day
36. Road maps
37. Highways for speedy travel
38. Byways for interesting travel
39. Antique shops
40. History books
41. PBS
42. DVD players
43. Music
44. Laughter
45. Good jokes
46. Intelligence
47. Cute babies
48. Attractive men
49. Couples in love
50. Strong women in my family
51. Being an American
52. Ability to pick up a book on practically anything at the local bookstore
53. Reading with my youngest son
54. Exercising with my kids
55. Learning new things
56. My alarm clock (auto sets for daylight savings!)
57. The house I am able to provide for myself and my kids
58. That I have a car and don't need to take the bus everywhere
59. Pretty views
60. Good movies
61. Good TV
62. Exciting football games
63. Staying alive in survival fantasy football for another week
64. Cooking a good meal for my family
65. Swimming pools
66. The ocean
67. Good books
68. Inspirational quotes
69. Motivational chat rooms
70. Catalogs
71. Online shopping
72. Sales
73. The perfect song on the radio
74. My iPod
75. My replacement iPod
76. Laptop computers
77. The concept of wireless (never has worked for me)
78. Microwaves
79. Dishwashers
80. Favorite restaurants
81. ATM's
82. Matchmakers
83. Anticipation of a good thing
84. Traveling
85. Indoor plumbing (I know this has been mentioned before, but really can we be too grateful for this one?)
86. Kids' soccer leagues
87. Golf courses
88. Riding lawn mowers (again conceptually I'm glad it exists, even if I've never used one)
89. Physical strength
90. Pretty toe nail polish
91. Spa pedicures
92. Acrylic nails
93. Nice smelling candles
94. Nice smelling shampoo
95. Being an individual
96. Wind chimes
97. Jasmine
98. Gardenias
99. Dryer sheets
100. Chocolate
101. My favorite gum
102. Challenging work
103. Crayons
104. Coloring books
105. My ex husband for giving me Alex and Taylor
106. Joe's father for helping to make Joe
107. The folks that gave me my first job out of college (the first time)
108. Naps
109. Voice mail
110. Personality tests
111. Good bumper stickers
112. A good walk
113. A good run
114. A nice drive
115. Flying somewhere exotic
116. Flying somewhere new
117. Packing for a trip
118. Good pillows
119. Feather beds
120. Pretty jewelry
121. Good neighbors
122. Christmas decorations
123. Halloween candy
124. Thanksgiving dinner
125. Holiday traditions
126. Easter - sense of renewal....and the candy
127. Growing up at the beach
128. Getting my driver's license with help from Sear's
129. Shoe stores
130. Victoria's Secret stores
131. Classical music
132. Frederick's lingerie stores
133. Massages
134. Facials
135. Soft pretzels
136. Step moms
137. Good artwork
138. Pretty furniture
139. Birds chirping
140. Rain storms
141. Snow
142. Spring
143. The grower's market in Loganville
144. Walmart
145. Bedtimes
Ok, that pretty much ran the gamut from A-Z as far as topics. I'll try to keep up with 5 per day. Wish me luck.
Until next time....
Annie M.
10% Change - 11/10/06
I read recently that any change made in your life greater than 10% whether it's good or bad, will affect your health by reducing your immune system's ability to fight infection. Well, I've had a cold for several weeks now, but it's finally moved up to my throat and head to make me truly miserable. After reading that, all the women that post on the CYLC boards that complain of being sick...guess what???? Making changes too quickly apparently.
Well, I think this week I've made some pretty drastic changes. Or some were made for me. I was 'terminated for insubordination' from the office where I'd dedicated 2+ years of my life to the point where I'd stopped accruing time off because I'd reached the limit. Ok, so that is all the pity party I'm going to have for myself on this point. I've been heading in the direction that I needed to leave there, this just forced my hand. I was actually relieved yesterday when I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that was going on there. I could read my book or watch a movie if I wanted to without feeling like there was some work related task I should have been doing instead. Is that crazy or what?
Not that I did those things...I spent hours trying to get my old '98 box up and running with internet connectivity and all my programs on it. My printer laughed at me when I tried to install it on this computer. Apparently the printer alone needs twice the memory that this thing has available to it. Then later, I tried to install my iTunes on it. Again, there was chuckling in the background when I got the message that I needed an operating system from this century to be able to operate that. Two down, I wasn't about to try for a third.
I also spent time getting my files off of the work laptop that I conveniently didn't bring into the office during the week. I only took off my personal files including my iTunes. I had bought blank CD's the week before out of the blue (or was it?) so I was able to get everything to disk if not to the dinosaur that is my home information network now. Once that was done, I spent time looking for jobs, updating my resume and getting in touch with the 1/2 dozen recruiters that had left messages for me in the last two months. I'm not worried that I won't find a new job in the next week. I'm worried about the lag between getting my last check and getting the first check at the new job. I told Mike that I am pretty much in God's hands now since I have no savings and no income at the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be all stressed out or what, but I'm not. I'm relatively calm...almost scary calm. Of course that could be the Nyquil talking, but I don't think so. I think I react opposite to the norm on just about everything. I get fanatic about the little things and am very blase about the big things. That's just how I am I suppose. I still plan to go on my vacation with my mom in 10 days. The tickets are bought, I wasn't expected to pay for much on that anyway besides the shuttle to the hotel that first morning and the various postcards I was going to send to friends. It just occurred to me...will they have Diet Pepsi there????? What'll I do??? Dear Lord! I might have to rethink this whole episode!!!!
Well, if they have enough guys that look like Ewan MacGregor there with a lovely British accent speaking to me, I think I can get over the lack of Diet Pepsi there. BTW, I tried to abbreviate Diet Pepsi but just couldn't since I know there is a very dirty, dirty, dirty other meaning to (DP)...Gayle are you blushing??????
I signed up for a matchmaker before my last entry. I wish I could say it's been worth the money, but I've only had two matches and the first one was ick (and late) and the second one hasn't occurred yet since he rescheduled and then all of my stuff happened (in addition to the cold). Hopefully, we can meet next week and I can go to London on a high note...or at least some sort of high. Well it's 1 AM and I am worn out. Getting up late, taking my time getting out of the house, spending the day doing job searching, phone answering and basically whatever else I want to do can really take a toll on ya! I will try to get online more frequently since I am totally on my time, I could truly make an entry every hour. But that would get old after a while and then I'd drop it like I do everything else.
OK, so now the pity party is truly over. I do plan to write for at least an hour a day...on the Great American Novel....or at least something Harlequin would publish. She's a virgin and beautiful and he's manly and untamed and together they take in the poor abandoned children and live happily ever after. Kind of like Brad and Angelina except with virginity in it! Yeah, even I don't think I'm that creative.
Have a great Saturday!
Until later.....
Annie M.
Well, I think this week I've made some pretty drastic changes. Or some were made for me. I was 'terminated for insubordination' from the office where I'd dedicated 2+ years of my life to the point where I'd stopped accruing time off because I'd reached the limit. Ok, so that is all the pity party I'm going to have for myself on this point. I've been heading in the direction that I needed to leave there, this just forced my hand. I was actually relieved yesterday when I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that was going on there. I could read my book or watch a movie if I wanted to without feeling like there was some work related task I should have been doing instead. Is that crazy or what?
Not that I did those things...I spent hours trying to get my old '98 box up and running with internet connectivity and all my programs on it. My printer laughed at me when I tried to install it on this computer. Apparently the printer alone needs twice the memory that this thing has available to it. Then later, I tried to install my iTunes on it. Again, there was chuckling in the background when I got the message that I needed an operating system from this century to be able to operate that. Two down, I wasn't about to try for a third.
I also spent time getting my files off of the work laptop that I conveniently didn't bring into the office during the week. I only took off my personal files including my iTunes. I had bought blank CD's the week before out of the blue (or was it?) so I was able to get everything to disk if not to the dinosaur that is my home information network now. Once that was done, I spent time looking for jobs, updating my resume and getting in touch with the 1/2 dozen recruiters that had left messages for me in the last two months. I'm not worried that I won't find a new job in the next week. I'm worried about the lag between getting my last check and getting the first check at the new job. I told Mike that I am pretty much in God's hands now since I have no savings and no income at the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be all stressed out or what, but I'm not. I'm relatively calm...almost scary calm. Of course that could be the Nyquil talking, but I don't think so. I think I react opposite to the norm on just about everything. I get fanatic about the little things and am very blase about the big things. That's just how I am I suppose. I still plan to go on my vacation with my mom in 10 days. The tickets are bought, I wasn't expected to pay for much on that anyway besides the shuttle to the hotel that first morning and the various postcards I was going to send to friends. It just occurred to me...will they have Diet Pepsi there????? What'll I do??? Dear Lord! I might have to rethink this whole episode!!!!
Well, if they have enough guys that look like Ewan MacGregor there with a lovely British accent speaking to me, I think I can get over the lack of Diet Pepsi there. BTW, I tried to abbreviate Diet Pepsi but just couldn't since I know there is a very dirty, dirty, dirty other meaning to (DP)...Gayle are you blushing??????
I signed up for a matchmaker before my last entry. I wish I could say it's been worth the money, but I've only had two matches and the first one was ick (and late) and the second one hasn't occurred yet since he rescheduled and then all of my stuff happened (in addition to the cold). Hopefully, we can meet next week and I can go to London on a high note...or at least some sort of high. Well it's 1 AM and I am worn out. Getting up late, taking my time getting out of the house, spending the day doing job searching, phone answering and basically whatever else I want to do can really take a toll on ya! I will try to get online more frequently since I am totally on my time, I could truly make an entry every hour. But that would get old after a while and then I'd drop it like I do everything else.
OK, so now the pity party is truly over. I do plan to write for at least an hour a day...on the Great American Novel....or at least something Harlequin would publish. She's a virgin and beautiful and he's manly and untamed and together they take in the poor abandoned children and live happily ever after. Kind of like Brad and Angelina except with virginity in it! Yeah, even I don't think I'm that creative.
Have a great Saturday!
Until later.....
Annie M.
When it rains it pours! - 5/4/07
Wow! What a day. 24 hours really since it didn't all happen today. When I told a friend about what all had gone on, she asked "Who did you piss off in a past life?" and yes, it really is that bad. Well in my mind anyway. And we know what a dark and twisted place that can be.
So here goes:
First thing happened last night about 10'ish, not going to discuss it, but it was pretty painful. Set me in the bad mood I woke up in this morning and from there the day went downhill. I had been all set to get up early to exercise on my new elliptical machine, but found I just didn't care if I got gross and fat. That was, of course, before I tried to squeeze my ass into a pair of jeans for casual Friday. Joe put up a slight fuss about being woken up to get dressed. I didn't want the hassle of trying to get medicine into him in the morning so I just threw some more guilt on for not taking care of my child and got in the car.
Next, on the way to work, I sat patiently behind tons of trucks and cars at this one particular light for about 20 minutes going to and from Joe's 'other' daycare that's closer to work. After turning right at the light, I realized there was no traffic around me and in a daydream worrying about how I could recover from the first bad thing that happened, I ended up getting a speeding ticket for going 80 in a 55. I am a dumbass...no question about it. I was willing to take the hit and 'fess up to the crime.
After I pulled over, I was searching for my registration. Of course, it's safely tucked away in a drawer in the living room. Fortunately, the cop was able to search my info so didn't need to have it, but he asked "Is this your first speeding ticket or have you gotten one before?" I answered that I'd had one before and he followed up with "So you didn't learn your lesson from that experience?". Apparently not. That's what set me off into a bout of crying that has just ended about an hour ago. I am so upset with myself for not learning from past mistakes, not listening to friends and others that told me not to do certain things, but I did them anyway. I want to say right here and now, that I am sorry for not listening, you were right. Now, seeing as how I deluded myself for so long, I can't trust myself in any situation. Nothing like a confidence buster when you're getting ready for a new job!
The crying had two good outcomes though...one is release of pent up anxiety and worry. It's been awhile since my last good cry, like 2 or 3 months so that's good. The other is that the cop thought I was so upset about the ticket, that he knocked it down to 69 in a 55 and so no points will be taken off of my license and I'll pay the minimum fine. Silver lining...whatever. So I get to work and everyone can tell some thing is wrong, but I don't want to discuss it, so they all leave me alone. Then my boss calls us all into a meeting around 9 am. No one has any clue what it's about, so we all go a bit early to see if we can figure it out. The entire meeting lasted about 7 and 1/2 minutes and was entirely my boss talking to the group apologizing for the state of the department, his lack of involvement and how everything is going to change for the better and be glorious and magnificent. Oh yeah, and that I am leaving the company.
I left there feeling like I have to leave for positive change to take place. In pretty much everything I do. I joked once that in order to meet the love of your life, you just have to break up with me first and she'll be the next person you date. It's like magic! People's lives are enriched by my leaving is the general message I'm picking up. I remember when I was in college during my sophomore year, I was taking an Astronomy class...Honors college kids get cool science options....and so feeling much the same way as I do now, I described my situation using the newly learned astronomical phrases such as red dwarf, super nova and meteor. I'm sure if I look in one of my past journals I'll find it there. Wow, I am really melodramatic at times! Ok, all the time....
As you can see, right now I'm looking for the cave to go hide in for a little bit. I have the right to have at least 24 hours of pity partying and then I need to get my act together and make changes. Obviously I am insane since I keep doing the same damned things over and over and expect things to come out differently. So as part of my rehab, I will try something new. Like sticking to my word when I say I'm going to do or to not do something anymore. It's gotten so bad lately, I don't even believe me when I say I'm going to do something. I need to have someone to hold me to my word, well besides me I mean. Apparently I am weak and can talk myself out of stuff very easily.
Ok, pity party is winding down. I will be driving up to NC this weekend to celebrate Mom's day early with my grandmother and the kids. I will be thoroughly exhausted and irritated when I get back on Sunday, but it's something I should have done months ago....and I gave my word. I'll let you know how it goes....this whole turning over a new leaf thing is going to be work, huh?
Dammit!
Until later....
Annie M.
So here goes:
First thing happened last night about 10'ish, not going to discuss it, but it was pretty painful. Set me in the bad mood I woke up in this morning and from there the day went downhill. I had been all set to get up early to exercise on my new elliptical machine, but found I just didn't care if I got gross and fat. That was, of course, before I tried to squeeze my ass into a pair of jeans for casual Friday. Joe put up a slight fuss about being woken up to get dressed. I didn't want the hassle of trying to get medicine into him in the morning so I just threw some more guilt on for not taking care of my child and got in the car.
Next, on the way to work, I sat patiently behind tons of trucks and cars at this one particular light for about 20 minutes going to and from Joe's 'other' daycare that's closer to work. After turning right at the light, I realized there was no traffic around me and in a daydream worrying about how I could recover from the first bad thing that happened, I ended up getting a speeding ticket for going 80 in a 55. I am a dumbass...no question about it. I was willing to take the hit and 'fess up to the crime.
After I pulled over, I was searching for my registration. Of course, it's safely tucked away in a drawer in the living room. Fortunately, the cop was able to search my info so didn't need to have it, but he asked "Is this your first speeding ticket or have you gotten one before?" I answered that I'd had one before and he followed up with "So you didn't learn your lesson from that experience?". Apparently not. That's what set me off into a bout of crying that has just ended about an hour ago. I am so upset with myself for not learning from past mistakes, not listening to friends and others that told me not to do certain things, but I did them anyway. I want to say right here and now, that I am sorry for not listening, you were right. Now, seeing as how I deluded myself for so long, I can't trust myself in any situation. Nothing like a confidence buster when you're getting ready for a new job!
The crying had two good outcomes though...one is release of pent up anxiety and worry. It's been awhile since my last good cry, like 2 or 3 months so that's good. The other is that the cop thought I was so upset about the ticket, that he knocked it down to 69 in a 55 and so no points will be taken off of my license and I'll pay the minimum fine. Silver lining...whatever. So I get to work and everyone can tell some thing is wrong, but I don't want to discuss it, so they all leave me alone. Then my boss calls us all into a meeting around 9 am. No one has any clue what it's about, so we all go a bit early to see if we can figure it out. The entire meeting lasted about 7 and 1/2 minutes and was entirely my boss talking to the group apologizing for the state of the department, his lack of involvement and how everything is going to change for the better and be glorious and magnificent. Oh yeah, and that I am leaving the company.
I left there feeling like I have to leave for positive change to take place. In pretty much everything I do. I joked once that in order to meet the love of your life, you just have to break up with me first and she'll be the next person you date. It's like magic! People's lives are enriched by my leaving is the general message I'm picking up. I remember when I was in college during my sophomore year, I was taking an Astronomy class...Honors college kids get cool science options....and so feeling much the same way as I do now, I described my situation using the newly learned astronomical phrases such as red dwarf, super nova and meteor. I'm sure if I look in one of my past journals I'll find it there. Wow, I am really melodramatic at times! Ok, all the time....
As you can see, right now I'm looking for the cave to go hide in for a little bit. I have the right to have at least 24 hours of pity partying and then I need to get my act together and make changes. Obviously I am insane since I keep doing the same damned things over and over and expect things to come out differently. So as part of my rehab, I will try something new. Like sticking to my word when I say I'm going to do or to not do something anymore. It's gotten so bad lately, I don't even believe me when I say I'm going to do something. I need to have someone to hold me to my word, well besides me I mean. Apparently I am weak and can talk myself out of stuff very easily.
Ok, pity party is winding down. I will be driving up to NC this weekend to celebrate Mom's day early with my grandmother and the kids. I will be thoroughly exhausted and irritated when I get back on Sunday, but it's something I should have done months ago....and I gave my word. I'll let you know how it goes....this whole turning over a new leaf thing is going to be work, huh?
Dammit!
Until later....
Annie M.
Office Space - 6/21/07
Today was weird and interesting and cosmic and boy, can I tell it's the summer solstice! First, I made it to work in 20 minutes after leaving the house. Crazy, I know! Then after feeling unnecessary at work for the last couple of days...and we know how I hate that...I was handed three projects in the morning. All of these are from my boss's boss's boss. Who looks very good in a pair of jeans....and I've noticed that I am developing an unhealthy fascination with the sound of his voice. I realized that all the big involvements I've had have one thing in common....sexy, raspy voice that I can feel all the way to my toes.
HOWEVER!!!!! I am not going to get interested in any one at work ever again! I have totally learned my lesson on that one. And I think that with my entire upheaval of my world that I've done in the last 6 weeks with a new job and a new home, that I have time and energy to find someone outside of work. For instance, I have two dates this Saturday...when it rains it pours, what?
Date #1: Rich is a chip distributor so if I date him I will be plush with cheetohs! His words, not mine. He has a sexy voice, but a red light went off when he called me 'baby' on our first phone call. He's at 7 tonight about 20 miles from home.
Date #2: Hal is a software developer and he sounds like a 15 year old boy that is going through puberty, but at the start of the process not at the end. He's also only 2 inches taller than me when I don't wear heels and I only don't wear heels when I'm running or sleeping. He's at 8 at a coffee shop about 2 miles from my house. I suddenly feel an emergency coming on.....
Tonight, I was sleepy from the 2 1/2 beers I had while at the bowling outing with the department from work. I'm watching Office Space on E! Entertainment Channel! That's what made me think about office politics and dynamics...very high school. I thought back to a friend at the job, two jobs ago, who could perfectly imitate the boss, Bill, from the movie. Of course I didn't actually see the movie until months later, but I can still remember him saying "Yeah...I'm going to need you to come in this weekend..." in the same tone and speed as the movie. Hilarious! That of course got me thinking about that job and comparing it to the job I had after that one and to the job I have now. Confused yet?
I have had this idea about work dynamics for awhile, so it's time it got put on paper...er....well, written out at least. So you interview with a company for a job. You are trying out so to speak, hoping to make the cut. You put your best foot forward and hope you don't say or do anything that will take you off the short list for consideration. Once you find out you get the job, it's like you've won tickets to Disney World. Excitement bubbles up, you are energized and eager to start the new position. All is golden and light and wonderful. You can't wait to leave the cesspit that you are currently working at and all it's tangled web of politics, policies and cliques. It won't be like that at the new place, no way.
During your first week at the job, you are trying to learn the lay out of the office, how to get office supplies, names, faces and policies for payroll direct deposit. The boss goes easy on you, knowing you need time to ramp up. You have a couple of items that you will be riding solo on, but the rest of the time you will be training with him/her or someone else in the group to learn the ropes. People are nice, friendly and yet a little distant. They have to get to know you too, to see what type of worker and even what type of person you are. A month goes by, you have some interesting conversations with other staff members where you learn that the person that was hired to do one job doesn't really know as much as she let on. Or that last year, an entire department was done away with and now they are trying to recreate the department from scratch. Ouch. But you are still enamored, because that happened before you were there. That has nothing to do with you, you are going to make it all better.
Then they have a company luncheon and it's like being back in the lunchroom at Small Town High School all over again. You stand in line to get your hamburgers and baked beans, someone you have been working with on a project comes by and stands with you, then someone else. Suddenly, you are a group. Wow, you have a group. The line progresses, and now it's time to find a seat. You follow one of the people from your group and the other person follows you. It just so happens that both of these other people are managers...male managers. You see that the rest of your department who are at your level or lower...and female....all go sit at another table quite a ways away, leaving you to make small talk with your coworkers.
Suddenly, the CFO joins your group, next the GM of the Americas, then the Corporate Controller. In the next group over, two senior VP's and the CEO are chatting over cole slaw about the future of the company or what their summer vacation plans are for their families. You notice a distinct circle of power that surrounds the two groups. How did you manage to get within the circle without someone asking for credentials?
As you try not to focus on that, you take a look around at the other groups that are forming. The developers, with their haphazard dishabille showing either their blatant disregard for corporate America or their complete lack of any fashion skills or both. The executive assistants are next, a sturdy group of gatekeepers who have taken their bitterness about being overlooked in other areas of their lives and turned it into a razor sharp ability to protect the interests of their employers. They bow their heads together to comment on how needed they are by their bosses and how no one could do the job they do for them, while each is silently thinking that the person next to them is a waste of space. Accounting sits together, talking about their children and husbands and anything but work. Customer Service mingles in with Sales and Accounting depending on who provides the better status or gossip. Sales, while sitting separately, make a point to come by the executives and make contact in some fashion.
So as you take it all in, you wonder if we ever get past high school? What I just described could also be a freshman in high school that comes into a new school, gets instructed by someone that is assigned to them by the office to learn how to get around and while still learning the social structure of the high school, ends up at the Seniors table without even realizing they are in the coolest group in the whole realm! You can probably figure out which of the groups are the cheerleaders, the A/V group, the nerds, the JV team, and the yearbook staff! And just like in high school, when someone new comes into the hierarchy and tries to cross the lines, there is hell to pay! I've seen this happen before, because I'm always the new kid, trying to understand why I have to follow certain social morays when they don't make sense.
When I was actually in high school, I came into freshman year at MBHS half way through the year. As a result, my classes translated into being put into classes with juniors and seniors. I got a leg up on the other freshman girls by having French with Jason or Trigonometry with Russell when they could only look at them in the hallways. Or since my brother was on the football team, all the eligible bachelors of the class were hanging out my house. Somehow because of being at the right place at the right time, and not knowing how I'm supposed to act according to society, I end up forging friendships and links to these groups that cause issue for someone else.
I have an innate ability to get myself into these situations. I am good at impressing parents, bosses and bosses of bosses. Little do people know that it's because I am TERRIFIED of fucking up royally in front of those same groups that causes me to be on my P's and Q's. Impressing those people leads to inclusion in certain groups or a different type of conversation in the hallways than most people have. When people find out about it, they wonder what I have done to get treated specially and react in one of two ways...1) impressed by this ability and want to learn more or 2) allow pettiness and jealousy to take over.
I am not saying I don't do the same thing...hell I spend 1/2 my time worrying why someone has it better than me in some way or another...or I did until recently. After a particularly trying incident with a #2 type reaction, a friend said that people act like that because they either want to be with you or be like you. Very wise, L. Thanks. I've remembered that a time or two over the years. You hear it all the time, that there is a thin line between love and hate. I am still confused how I seem to incite such strong reactions from people. I have always thought that when I am out of sight, I am out of mind.
So when I hear that this is NOT the case, I am totally amazed. I never realized I had so much power. I mentioned it to Alex last week when I described the latest incident...mostly to scare him into doing the dishes, not that it worked. He was just as confused by it as I was! One thing I'm learning from all of this, that the world is a small, cyclical place. You never know who you might run into again from a previous period of your life and what situations you will revisit until you get it right.
So, now that I have been presented with this situation again....starting over at work, becoming interested in someone at work, getting involved in the politics at the office against my intent/wishes.....I will take what I have learned from the recent past and do something different. How's that Chinese definition of insanity go again? "Doing the exact same thing over again and expecting different results!" Yes, that's it. So, my office space will be my office space and my home space will be my home space. 'And ne'er the twain shall meet". Wish me luck on my dates. I'm sure you will hear about them soon.
Until later....
Annie M.
HOWEVER!!!!! I am not going to get interested in any one at work ever again! I have totally learned my lesson on that one. And I think that with my entire upheaval of my world that I've done in the last 6 weeks with a new job and a new home, that I have time and energy to find someone outside of work. For instance, I have two dates this Saturday...when it rains it pours, what?
Date #1: Rich is a chip distributor so if I date him I will be plush with cheetohs! His words, not mine. He has a sexy voice, but a red light went off when he called me 'baby' on our first phone call. He's at 7 tonight about 20 miles from home.
Date #2: Hal is a software developer and he sounds like a 15 year old boy that is going through puberty, but at the start of the process not at the end. He's also only 2 inches taller than me when I don't wear heels and I only don't wear heels when I'm running or sleeping. He's at 8 at a coffee shop about 2 miles from my house. I suddenly feel an emergency coming on.....
Tonight, I was sleepy from the 2 1/2 beers I had while at the bowling outing with the department from work. I'm watching Office Space on E! Entertainment Channel! That's what made me think about office politics and dynamics...very high school. I thought back to a friend at the job, two jobs ago, who could perfectly imitate the boss, Bill, from the movie. Of course I didn't actually see the movie until months later, but I can still remember him saying "Yeah...I'm going to need you to come in this weekend..." in the same tone and speed as the movie. Hilarious! That of course got me thinking about that job and comparing it to the job I had after that one and to the job I have now. Confused yet?
I have had this idea about work dynamics for awhile, so it's time it got put on paper...er....well, written out at least. So you interview with a company for a job. You are trying out so to speak, hoping to make the cut. You put your best foot forward and hope you don't say or do anything that will take you off the short list for consideration. Once you find out you get the job, it's like you've won tickets to Disney World. Excitement bubbles up, you are energized and eager to start the new position. All is golden and light and wonderful. You can't wait to leave the cesspit that you are currently working at and all it's tangled web of politics, policies and cliques. It won't be like that at the new place, no way.
During your first week at the job, you are trying to learn the lay out of the office, how to get office supplies, names, faces and policies for payroll direct deposit. The boss goes easy on you, knowing you need time to ramp up. You have a couple of items that you will be riding solo on, but the rest of the time you will be training with him/her or someone else in the group to learn the ropes. People are nice, friendly and yet a little distant. They have to get to know you too, to see what type of worker and even what type of person you are. A month goes by, you have some interesting conversations with other staff members where you learn that the person that was hired to do one job doesn't really know as much as she let on. Or that last year, an entire department was done away with and now they are trying to recreate the department from scratch. Ouch. But you are still enamored, because that happened before you were there. That has nothing to do with you, you are going to make it all better.
Then they have a company luncheon and it's like being back in the lunchroom at Small Town High School all over again. You stand in line to get your hamburgers and baked beans, someone you have been working with on a project comes by and stands with you, then someone else. Suddenly, you are a group. Wow, you have a group. The line progresses, and now it's time to find a seat. You follow one of the people from your group and the other person follows you. It just so happens that both of these other people are managers...male managers. You see that the rest of your department who are at your level or lower...and female....all go sit at another table quite a ways away, leaving you to make small talk with your coworkers.
Suddenly, the CFO joins your group, next the GM of the Americas, then the Corporate Controller. In the next group over, two senior VP's and the CEO are chatting over cole slaw about the future of the company or what their summer vacation plans are for their families. You notice a distinct circle of power that surrounds the two groups. How did you manage to get within the circle without someone asking for credentials?
As you try not to focus on that, you take a look around at the other groups that are forming. The developers, with their haphazard dishabille showing either their blatant disregard for corporate America or their complete lack of any fashion skills or both. The executive assistants are next, a sturdy group of gatekeepers who have taken their bitterness about being overlooked in other areas of their lives and turned it into a razor sharp ability to protect the interests of their employers. They bow their heads together to comment on how needed they are by their bosses and how no one could do the job they do for them, while each is silently thinking that the person next to them is a waste of space. Accounting sits together, talking about their children and husbands and anything but work. Customer Service mingles in with Sales and Accounting depending on who provides the better status or gossip. Sales, while sitting separately, make a point to come by the executives and make contact in some fashion.
So as you take it all in, you wonder if we ever get past high school? What I just described could also be a freshman in high school that comes into a new school, gets instructed by someone that is assigned to them by the office to learn how to get around and while still learning the social structure of the high school, ends up at the Seniors table without even realizing they are in the coolest group in the whole realm! You can probably figure out which of the groups are the cheerleaders, the A/V group, the nerds, the JV team, and the yearbook staff! And just like in high school, when someone new comes into the hierarchy and tries to cross the lines, there is hell to pay! I've seen this happen before, because I'm always the new kid, trying to understand why I have to follow certain social morays when they don't make sense.
When I was actually in high school, I came into freshman year at MBHS half way through the year. As a result, my classes translated into being put into classes with juniors and seniors. I got a leg up on the other freshman girls by having French with Jason or Trigonometry with Russell when they could only look at them in the hallways. Or since my brother was on the football team, all the eligible bachelors of the class were hanging out my house. Somehow because of being at the right place at the right time, and not knowing how I'm supposed to act according to society, I end up forging friendships and links to these groups that cause issue for someone else.
I have an innate ability to get myself into these situations. I am good at impressing parents, bosses and bosses of bosses. Little do people know that it's because I am TERRIFIED of fucking up royally in front of those same groups that causes me to be on my P's and Q's. Impressing those people leads to inclusion in certain groups or a different type of conversation in the hallways than most people have. When people find out about it, they wonder what I have done to get treated specially and react in one of two ways...1) impressed by this ability and want to learn more or 2) allow pettiness and jealousy to take over.
I am not saying I don't do the same thing...hell I spend 1/2 my time worrying why someone has it better than me in some way or another...or I did until recently. After a particularly trying incident with a #2 type reaction, a friend said that people act like that because they either want to be with you or be like you. Very wise, L. Thanks. I've remembered that a time or two over the years. You hear it all the time, that there is a thin line between love and hate. I am still confused how I seem to incite such strong reactions from people. I have always thought that when I am out of sight, I am out of mind.
So when I hear that this is NOT the case, I am totally amazed. I never realized I had so much power. I mentioned it to Alex last week when I described the latest incident...mostly to scare him into doing the dishes, not that it worked. He was just as confused by it as I was! One thing I'm learning from all of this, that the world is a small, cyclical place. You never know who you might run into again from a previous period of your life and what situations you will revisit until you get it right.
So, now that I have been presented with this situation again....starting over at work, becoming interested in someone at work, getting involved in the politics at the office against my intent/wishes.....I will take what I have learned from the recent past and do something different. How's that Chinese definition of insanity go again? "Doing the exact same thing over again and expecting different results!" Yes, that's it. So, my office space will be my office space and my home space will be my home space. 'And ne'er the twain shall meet". Wish me luck on my dates. I'm sure you will hear about them soon.
Until later....
Annie M.
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