I am currently watching my DVR from last night. How they could schedule a presidential semi debate on the same night as Gold Medal attempt #8 for Michael Phelps, I don't know, but I digress. I am actually listening to McCain's answers before I dismiss them. That's hard for me, but as I mature, I've learned to not fly right off the handle when I hear something I don't like. I waited at least three minutes after hearing McCain's Pro Life spiel before getting on and blogging about it. And now he's going on about what he thinks 'rich' is. Man, did I ask for my blood pressure to be raised today?
So here we go - Abortion or Pro-Choice - Don't take away my right to determine my future. You are talking about doing away with Roe v Wade which would allow me to safely and legally terminate an unwanted pregnancy because you think life begins at conception. That's like saying I believe that the moon is made of cheese and so no one can have pizza anymore. It's so easy for men to make these decisions based on their moral superiority while for women it's a heart wrenching decision to go down one path or the other. Don't tell me that it's equally difficult for a man to make this decision since men walk away from unwanted pregnancies left and right. Yes, some of them stay by the mothers of their children, but an unwanted pregnancy does not a happily ever after make. Where is the survey on that? Yes, they love their children, but is it a perfect love or is there some regret there? The what could have been. For a woman, she either has a child whom she will sacrifice for or a memory of a difficult decision and what if that will live with her for the rest of her life.
I firmly believe that there should be more education, more programs for teens that will keep them from getting into situations that end up in unwanted or even underage pregnancies. Why do teenage girls or even young adult women get pregnant when they don't want to? Because they don't have enough respect or responsibility for themselves to either say no to sex or take the right precautions to ensure that they don't end up pregnant when they don't want to be. I remember getting in an argument on the night of my cousin's wedding with my two uncles and my ex-husband about welfare. They were all against it and said they were just having babies to get a bigger check. I was so fucking pissed off that I gave them my tirade. Of course this was years ago, but the point is still relevant.
Double standard #1 - don't send two messages by covering a man's 'help me get it up' pill by health insurance as a NECESSARY drug, but not cover oral contraception in full because it's an optional choice. That's like saying it's ok for the man to get help when nature so clearly says it's time for him to hang up his spurs, but that if a girl doesn't want to get pregnant then keep your fucking knees together.
Double standard #2 - remove the stigma of abortion when the very people that are making those rules have benefited in some fashion from someone they know having an abortion. If anyone thinks that the movers and shakers haven't partaken of that little bit of legality to ensure their future while still calling it immoral and unethical they are more naive than I am. Women shouldn't have to run a gauntlet or hide their faces after making one of the toughest choices of their lives. Mothers and daughters are typically the ones that are there taking care of business while men are entrenched in their pulpits saying how these women are of loose morals, lazy and taking advantage of the system.
Double standard #3 - Don't make television shows, ads and corporate messages scream SEX, SEX, SEX and then not teach children to responsibly make those decisions. I mean if we have to put warning labels on alcohol and cigarettes, then we should probably put the caveat on what is 'acceptable' during the family hour to say that while it's on TV, the movies, the radio...it doesn't mean that everything works out that way. If everyone is so concerned about sex and who's having it, then don't make it verboten to children until we thrust them out into the world on their own!
I realize that parental input is an important part of this, so if we want to break the cycle, someone needs to step forward and make a difference. Sometimes I think that the people that welfare, abortion, poverty, and all the dark parts of life upset the most really wish they could still wall off communities like a leper colony and let them fend for themselves until they die off.
I am venting all of this here since I know no one will read it, know it's me or care that yet another blogger is expressing themselves about the political situation in this country. I do hope that I take the energy that this topic has generated in me and use it to make a difference in the world versus just rolling over and being bitter and futile. If I make enough noise, I will be able to make my own decisions and not have them made for me without input. That's what this is all about, right?
Well, it's time for the Olympics for tonight....go team USA!
Until later....
Annie M.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
I kissed a girl....
I'm sitting here getting ready to go to church where I've been asked to be an elder for the next three years and I'm listening to Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" over and over again. This just shows you the complexity of humanity. Or it shows you that I can compartmentalize with the best of 'em!
So my quandary now is what to do about the person of interest in my life right now. His situation is not clear and free although he's not married or in love. Even saying that means I'm trying to justify my behavior when I know darned well that I need to just walk away. But damn! He's sexy, funny, smart, ambitious, and did I mention sexy? And he wants to spend time with me and tells me these things that make me lose my breath. Could be that he's even freakier than I am. Any one that jumps out of a plane willingly or gets their nipple pierced on a dare likes risk a bit more than me.
So you can see what the dilemma is....live the straight and somewhat narrow now that I am to be a church leader or give into this temptation and spend more time with him. I want to do both, but as in the past I am afraid that if I don't take the opportunity to be with him, it won't come around again and I will regret it. Although more than likely I'll end up feeling much like I did after being with Mike. Alone in a relationship.
Ok, so the strong, rational part of me has decided to stay away. Ignore him and if he gets in touch with me, just explain that with this new development in my life, I can't be in his life until he gets his straightened out. If he doesn't make a move then I know what the answer to "what's he in this for?", won't I?
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't we be like animals and just mate and move on? I suppose being human means we are relational creatures. "No man is an island..." and whatnot. But it's just cruel to have to go through this crap.
So my quandary now is what to do about the person of interest in my life right now. His situation is not clear and free although he's not married or in love. Even saying that means I'm trying to justify my behavior when I know darned well that I need to just walk away. But damn! He's sexy, funny, smart, ambitious, and did I mention sexy? And he wants to spend time with me and tells me these things that make me lose my breath. Could be that he's even freakier than I am. Any one that jumps out of a plane willingly or gets their nipple pierced on a dare likes risk a bit more than me.
So you can see what the dilemma is....live the straight and somewhat narrow now that I am to be a church leader or give into this temptation and spend more time with him. I want to do both, but as in the past I am afraid that if I don't take the opportunity to be with him, it won't come around again and I will regret it. Although more than likely I'll end up feeling much like I did after being with Mike. Alone in a relationship.
Ok, so the strong, rational part of me has decided to stay away. Ignore him and if he gets in touch with me, just explain that with this new development in my life, I can't be in his life until he gets his straightened out. If he doesn't make a move then I know what the answer to "what's he in this for?", won't I?
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't we be like animals and just mate and move on? I suppose being human means we are relational creatures. "No man is an island..." and whatnot. But it's just cruel to have to go through this crap.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
A ski bunny I am not....
Ouch! In so many ways, ouch! I had my very first ski lesson this weekend. Sugar Mountain was busy making snow and Alex wanted to take snowboarding lessons. I figured it was time for me to try something new so I signed up for ski lessons as well. Well, make that a ski lesson. And it was the longest hour of my life. Who knew skiing was so painful? And forget trying to learn how to work the dang lift!!!! I couldn't stay upright for longer than 2 minutes...well except for climbing back up the 30 feet of slope where my lesson took place.
I fell at least 4 times and my mom asked me how my lesson in public humiliation went. I honestly didn't care if people saw me fall. I was trying to not break anything. On my first fall I did feel something pop in both my right hand and my right leg. After that it was about trying to not leave permanent damage. My instructor, Z-, was very helpful and encouraging, but the whole "Now, why do you think you fell?" line of questioning got a bit old. I fell because I lost my balance if you want to know the simple truth. Thirty four years of trying to not lean forward while going down hill rapidly on slicked up pieces of fiberglass is a hard habit to break. And it wasn't one that I was going to learn in that hour.
I don't know that I will be on the slopes again, but at least I've tried it. I have so much respect for those people that make it look so effortless. Ok, the little kids that swooshed by me on the slopes were a bit irritating, but I have to hand it to them...they knew what they were doing. I guess I'm still looking for that something that comes to me effortlessly. It's like trying on tons of dresses to find the perfect one for the party/dance/prom/wedding. Each one is a lesson learned I suppose.
I am still limping from the lesson so it's great that I have the next two days off to recuperate. Of course, I'm supposed to be decorating the house for the holidays, but the tree is more than I can handle when I have two good legs so that might have to wait a bit. I will get some of the lesser decorations out and purge while no one is hovering over me. Letting go of the past is a lot like a garage sale. Once it's gone, you really do have more room for new stuff!
So I'm off to think about some more stuff I am wanting to let go of, including the vision of me as a world medalist ski champion. Maybe I should stick with cross country skiing...no big slopes to fall down. Let me get healed up from this last episode and I will try again.
Until later...
Annie M.
I fell at least 4 times and my mom asked me how my lesson in public humiliation went. I honestly didn't care if people saw me fall. I was trying to not break anything. On my first fall I did feel something pop in both my right hand and my right leg. After that it was about trying to not leave permanent damage. My instructor, Z-, was very helpful and encouraging, but the whole "Now, why do you think you fell?" line of questioning got a bit old. I fell because I lost my balance if you want to know the simple truth. Thirty four years of trying to not lean forward while going down hill rapidly on slicked up pieces of fiberglass is a hard habit to break. And it wasn't one that I was going to learn in that hour.
I don't know that I will be on the slopes again, but at least I've tried it. I have so much respect for those people that make it look so effortless. Ok, the little kids that swooshed by me on the slopes were a bit irritating, but I have to hand it to them...they knew what they were doing. I guess I'm still looking for that something that comes to me effortlessly. It's like trying on tons of dresses to find the perfect one for the party/dance/prom/wedding. Each one is a lesson learned I suppose.
I am still limping from the lesson so it's great that I have the next two days off to recuperate. Of course, I'm supposed to be decorating the house for the holidays, but the tree is more than I can handle when I have two good legs so that might have to wait a bit. I will get some of the lesser decorations out and purge while no one is hovering over me. Letting go of the past is a lot like a garage sale. Once it's gone, you really do have more room for new stuff!
So I'm off to think about some more stuff I am wanting to let go of, including the vision of me as a world medalist ski champion. Maybe I should stick with cross country skiing...no big slopes to fall down. Let me get healed up from this last episode and I will try again.
Until later...
Annie M.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Busy Day
What a busy day I've had! First there were cooking lessons for Taylor on the right way to make bacon...yeah, that was my mom teaching her how to do it since I only know how to order bacon. Then it was laundry and get the kids dressed and ready for travel. We rode bikes and got fresh air and interacted with others. Joe is really improving on the bike with help from mom and grandma.
Once we got home, I started on making chocolate chip cookies. I was going to make them for the work function last week, but felt I shouldn't be killing myself for people that wouldn't appreciate it. So I saved it for the weekend. The kids came in every 1/2 hour to see if they could have one as I was making them. Even my mom called it torture to have the smell of fresh baked cookies going through the house and not being allowed to eat any.
While the cookies were baking, I'd have 9 minutes to do something so I elected to go through my hijacked blog entries and see if I wanted to post them here. I did. Mostly because I didn't want to lose some of what I'd written and because I wanted to lay claim to my words and my ideas. It was interesting to read through and relive some of the things that have happened over the last year. I'm very glad that a lot of what I wrote is gone forever. That way I am able to really start fresh. Slight reminders are ok, all encompassing dwelling, not ok.
So now, the kids are all chocked full of sugar, the house is overly warm and slightly buttery smelling and I feel refreshed from spending the afternoon reading, editing and writing. I will be spending the evening working on getting some technical stuff set up with a friend, then luxuriating in a warm bath and calling it a good day.
Until later....
Annie M.
Once we got home, I started on making chocolate chip cookies. I was going to make them for the work function last week, but felt I shouldn't be killing myself for people that wouldn't appreciate it. So I saved it for the weekend. The kids came in every 1/2 hour to see if they could have one as I was making them. Even my mom called it torture to have the smell of fresh baked cookies going through the house and not being allowed to eat any.
While the cookies were baking, I'd have 9 minutes to do something so I elected to go through my hijacked blog entries and see if I wanted to post them here. I did. Mostly because I didn't want to lose some of what I'd written and because I wanted to lay claim to my words and my ideas. It was interesting to read through and relive some of the things that have happened over the last year. I'm very glad that a lot of what I wrote is gone forever. That way I am able to really start fresh. Slight reminders are ok, all encompassing dwelling, not ok.
So now, the kids are all chocked full of sugar, the house is overly warm and slightly buttery smelling and I feel refreshed from spending the afternoon reading, editing and writing. I will be spending the evening working on getting some technical stuff set up with a friend, then luxuriating in a warm bath and calling it a good day.
Until later....
Annie M.
Gratitude Listing - 10/29/06
I've been promising to myself that I would do a catch up listing of things I am grateful for. I've decided to do 5 things for each day of October that has transpired so far. These are in no particular order and hopefully I'll get the math right on 29 x 5 (145?). I hope some of the things on this list inspire you to write your own gratitude list!
1. My kids - love, joy, humor, amazement
2. Sunny fall days-crisp air, leaves falling, a sense of accomplishment on another year passed
3. Sunny spring days - anticipation, new beginnings, growth
4. A cool bottle of water after working out
5. All the colors in nature
6. Affectionate cats
7. A freshly made bed to crawl into for a nap on a sunny spring/fall afternoon.
8. The ability to express myself
9. The liberty to express myself
10. Ice cream
11. Diet Pepsi
12. An easy commute into work when I least expect it.
13. Good friends
14. Butterflies
15. Hummingbirds
16. The wind in the trees
17. Elastic waist shorts
18. My gray hair
19. Faux fur
20. Pretty shoes
21. Comfy slippers
22. Sexy lingerie
23. Good sense
24. My mom
25. Cell phones
26. Hallmark greeting cards
27. The internet
28. Email
29. My 10th grade requirement of typing class
30. Learning a foreign language
31. The variety of chicken art available in this world
32. Paint by numbers
33. That my car starts every morning
34. That I start every morning
35. That everyone I love makes it safely through another day
36. Road maps
37. Highways for speedy travel
38. Byways for interesting travel
39. Antique shops
40. History books
41. PBS
42. DVD players
43. Music
44. Laughter
45. Good jokes
46. Intelligence
47. Cute babies
48. Attractive men
49. Couples in love
50. Strong women in my family
51. Being an American
52. Ability to pick up a book on practically anything at the local bookstore
53. Reading with my youngest son
54. Exercising with my kids
55. Learning new things
56. My alarm clock (auto sets for daylight savings!)
57. The house I am able to provide for myself and my kids
58. That I have a car and don't need to take the bus everywhere
59. Pretty views
60. Good movies
61. Good TV
62. Exciting football games
63. Staying alive in survival fantasy football for another week
64. Cooking a good meal for my family
65. Swimming pools
66. The ocean
67. Good books
68. Inspirational quotes
69. Motivational chat rooms
70. Catalogs
71. Online shopping
72. Sales
73. The perfect song on the radio
74. My iPod
75. My replacement iPod
76. Laptop computers
77. The concept of wireless (never has worked for me)
78. Microwaves
79. Dishwashers
80. Favorite restaurants
81. ATM's
82. Matchmakers
83. Anticipation of a good thing
84. Traveling
85. Indoor plumbing (I know this has been mentioned before, but really can we be too grateful for this one?)
86. Kids' soccer leagues
87. Golf courses
88. Riding lawn mowers (again conceptually I'm glad it exists, even if I've never used one)
89. Physical strength
90. Pretty toe nail polish
91. Spa pedicures
92. Acrylic nails
93. Nice smelling candles
94. Nice smelling shampoo
95. Being an individual
96. Wind chimes
97. Jasmine
98. Gardenias
99. Dryer sheets
100. Chocolate
101. My favorite gum
102. Challenging work
103. Crayons
104. Coloring books
105. My ex husband for giving me Alex and Taylor
106. Joe's father for helping to make Joe
107. The folks that gave me my first job out of college (the first time)
108. Naps
109. Voice mail
110. Personality tests
111. Good bumper stickers
112. A good walk
113. A good run
114. A nice drive
115. Flying somewhere exotic
116. Flying somewhere new
117. Packing for a trip
118. Good pillows
119. Feather beds
120. Pretty jewelry
121. Good neighbors
122. Christmas decorations
123. Halloween candy
124. Thanksgiving dinner
125. Holiday traditions
126. Easter - sense of renewal....and the candy
127. Growing up at the beach
128. Getting my driver's license with help from Sear's
129. Shoe stores
130. Victoria's Secret stores
131. Classical music
132. Frederick's lingerie stores
133. Massages
134. Facials
135. Soft pretzels
136. Step moms
137. Good artwork
138. Pretty furniture
139. Birds chirping
140. Rain storms
141. Snow
142. Spring
143. The grower's market in Loganville
144. Walmart
145. Bedtimes
Ok, that pretty much ran the gamut from A-Z as far as topics. I'll try to keep up with 5 per day. Wish me luck.
Until next time....
Annie M.
1. My kids - love, joy, humor, amazement
2. Sunny fall days-crisp air, leaves falling, a sense of accomplishment on another year passed
3. Sunny spring days - anticipation, new beginnings, growth
4. A cool bottle of water after working out
5. All the colors in nature
6. Affectionate cats
7. A freshly made bed to crawl into for a nap on a sunny spring/fall afternoon.
8. The ability to express myself
9. The liberty to express myself
10. Ice cream
11. Diet Pepsi
12. An easy commute into work when I least expect it.
13. Good friends
14. Butterflies
15. Hummingbirds
16. The wind in the trees
17. Elastic waist shorts
18. My gray hair
19. Faux fur
20. Pretty shoes
21. Comfy slippers
22. Sexy lingerie
23. Good sense
24. My mom
25. Cell phones
26. Hallmark greeting cards
27. The internet
28. Email
29. My 10th grade requirement of typing class
30. Learning a foreign language
31. The variety of chicken art available in this world
32. Paint by numbers
33. That my car starts every morning
34. That I start every morning
35. That everyone I love makes it safely through another day
36. Road maps
37. Highways for speedy travel
38. Byways for interesting travel
39. Antique shops
40. History books
41. PBS
42. DVD players
43. Music
44. Laughter
45. Good jokes
46. Intelligence
47. Cute babies
48. Attractive men
49. Couples in love
50. Strong women in my family
51. Being an American
52. Ability to pick up a book on practically anything at the local bookstore
53. Reading with my youngest son
54. Exercising with my kids
55. Learning new things
56. My alarm clock (auto sets for daylight savings!)
57. The house I am able to provide for myself and my kids
58. That I have a car and don't need to take the bus everywhere
59. Pretty views
60. Good movies
61. Good TV
62. Exciting football games
63. Staying alive in survival fantasy football for another week
64. Cooking a good meal for my family
65. Swimming pools
66. The ocean
67. Good books
68. Inspirational quotes
69. Motivational chat rooms
70. Catalogs
71. Online shopping
72. Sales
73. The perfect song on the radio
74. My iPod
75. My replacement iPod
76. Laptop computers
77. The concept of wireless (never has worked for me)
78. Microwaves
79. Dishwashers
80. Favorite restaurants
81. ATM's
82. Matchmakers
83. Anticipation of a good thing
84. Traveling
85. Indoor plumbing (I know this has been mentioned before, but really can we be too grateful for this one?)
86. Kids' soccer leagues
87. Golf courses
88. Riding lawn mowers (again conceptually I'm glad it exists, even if I've never used one)
89. Physical strength
90. Pretty toe nail polish
91. Spa pedicures
92. Acrylic nails
93. Nice smelling candles
94. Nice smelling shampoo
95. Being an individual
96. Wind chimes
97. Jasmine
98. Gardenias
99. Dryer sheets
100. Chocolate
101. My favorite gum
102. Challenging work
103. Crayons
104. Coloring books
105. My ex husband for giving me Alex and Taylor
106. Joe's father for helping to make Joe
107. The folks that gave me my first job out of college (the first time)
108. Naps
109. Voice mail
110. Personality tests
111. Good bumper stickers
112. A good walk
113. A good run
114. A nice drive
115. Flying somewhere exotic
116. Flying somewhere new
117. Packing for a trip
118. Good pillows
119. Feather beds
120. Pretty jewelry
121. Good neighbors
122. Christmas decorations
123. Halloween candy
124. Thanksgiving dinner
125. Holiday traditions
126. Easter - sense of renewal....and the candy
127. Growing up at the beach
128. Getting my driver's license with help from Sear's
129. Shoe stores
130. Victoria's Secret stores
131. Classical music
132. Frederick's lingerie stores
133. Massages
134. Facials
135. Soft pretzels
136. Step moms
137. Good artwork
138. Pretty furniture
139. Birds chirping
140. Rain storms
141. Snow
142. Spring
143. The grower's market in Loganville
144. Walmart
145. Bedtimes
Ok, that pretty much ran the gamut from A-Z as far as topics. I'll try to keep up with 5 per day. Wish me luck.
Until next time....
Annie M.
10% Change - 11/10/06
I read recently that any change made in your life greater than 10% whether it's good or bad, will affect your health by reducing your immune system's ability to fight infection. Well, I've had a cold for several weeks now, but it's finally moved up to my throat and head to make me truly miserable. After reading that, all the women that post on the CYLC boards that complain of being sick...guess what???? Making changes too quickly apparently.
Well, I think this week I've made some pretty drastic changes. Or some were made for me. I was 'terminated for insubordination' from the office where I'd dedicated 2+ years of my life to the point where I'd stopped accruing time off because I'd reached the limit. Ok, so that is all the pity party I'm going to have for myself on this point. I've been heading in the direction that I needed to leave there, this just forced my hand. I was actually relieved yesterday when I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that was going on there. I could read my book or watch a movie if I wanted to without feeling like there was some work related task I should have been doing instead. Is that crazy or what?
Not that I did those things...I spent hours trying to get my old '98 box up and running with internet connectivity and all my programs on it. My printer laughed at me when I tried to install it on this computer. Apparently the printer alone needs twice the memory that this thing has available to it. Then later, I tried to install my iTunes on it. Again, there was chuckling in the background when I got the message that I needed an operating system from this century to be able to operate that. Two down, I wasn't about to try for a third.
I also spent time getting my files off of the work laptop that I conveniently didn't bring into the office during the week. I only took off my personal files including my iTunes. I had bought blank CD's the week before out of the blue (or was it?) so I was able to get everything to disk if not to the dinosaur that is my home information network now. Once that was done, I spent time looking for jobs, updating my resume and getting in touch with the 1/2 dozen recruiters that had left messages for me in the last two months. I'm not worried that I won't find a new job in the next week. I'm worried about the lag between getting my last check and getting the first check at the new job. I told Mike that I am pretty much in God's hands now since I have no savings and no income at the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be all stressed out or what, but I'm not. I'm relatively calm...almost scary calm. Of course that could be the Nyquil talking, but I don't think so. I think I react opposite to the norm on just about everything. I get fanatic about the little things and am very blase about the big things. That's just how I am I suppose. I still plan to go on my vacation with my mom in 10 days. The tickets are bought, I wasn't expected to pay for much on that anyway besides the shuttle to the hotel that first morning and the various postcards I was going to send to friends. It just occurred to me...will they have Diet Pepsi there????? What'll I do??? Dear Lord! I might have to rethink this whole episode!!!!
Well, if they have enough guys that look like Ewan MacGregor there with a lovely British accent speaking to me, I think I can get over the lack of Diet Pepsi there. BTW, I tried to abbreviate Diet Pepsi but just couldn't since I know there is a very dirty, dirty, dirty other meaning to (DP)...Gayle are you blushing??????
I signed up for a matchmaker before my last entry. I wish I could say it's been worth the money, but I've only had two matches and the first one was ick (and late) and the second one hasn't occurred yet since he rescheduled and then all of my stuff happened (in addition to the cold). Hopefully, we can meet next week and I can go to London on a high note...or at least some sort of high. Well it's 1 AM and I am worn out. Getting up late, taking my time getting out of the house, spending the day doing job searching, phone answering and basically whatever else I want to do can really take a toll on ya! I will try to get online more frequently since I am totally on my time, I could truly make an entry every hour. But that would get old after a while and then I'd drop it like I do everything else.
OK, so now the pity party is truly over. I do plan to write for at least an hour a day...on the Great American Novel....or at least something Harlequin would publish. She's a virgin and beautiful and he's manly and untamed and together they take in the poor abandoned children and live happily ever after. Kind of like Brad and Angelina except with virginity in it! Yeah, even I don't think I'm that creative.
Have a great Saturday!
Until later.....
Annie M.
Well, I think this week I've made some pretty drastic changes. Or some were made for me. I was 'terminated for insubordination' from the office where I'd dedicated 2+ years of my life to the point where I'd stopped accruing time off because I'd reached the limit. Ok, so that is all the pity party I'm going to have for myself on this point. I've been heading in the direction that I needed to leave there, this just forced my hand. I was actually relieved yesterday when I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that was going on there. I could read my book or watch a movie if I wanted to without feeling like there was some work related task I should have been doing instead. Is that crazy or what?
Not that I did those things...I spent hours trying to get my old '98 box up and running with internet connectivity and all my programs on it. My printer laughed at me when I tried to install it on this computer. Apparently the printer alone needs twice the memory that this thing has available to it. Then later, I tried to install my iTunes on it. Again, there was chuckling in the background when I got the message that I needed an operating system from this century to be able to operate that. Two down, I wasn't about to try for a third.
I also spent time getting my files off of the work laptop that I conveniently didn't bring into the office during the week. I only took off my personal files including my iTunes. I had bought blank CD's the week before out of the blue (or was it?) so I was able to get everything to disk if not to the dinosaur that is my home information network now. Once that was done, I spent time looking for jobs, updating my resume and getting in touch with the 1/2 dozen recruiters that had left messages for me in the last two months. I'm not worried that I won't find a new job in the next week. I'm worried about the lag between getting my last check and getting the first check at the new job. I told Mike that I am pretty much in God's hands now since I have no savings and no income at the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be all stressed out or what, but I'm not. I'm relatively calm...almost scary calm. Of course that could be the Nyquil talking, but I don't think so. I think I react opposite to the norm on just about everything. I get fanatic about the little things and am very blase about the big things. That's just how I am I suppose. I still plan to go on my vacation with my mom in 10 days. The tickets are bought, I wasn't expected to pay for much on that anyway besides the shuttle to the hotel that first morning and the various postcards I was going to send to friends. It just occurred to me...will they have Diet Pepsi there????? What'll I do??? Dear Lord! I might have to rethink this whole episode!!!!
Well, if they have enough guys that look like Ewan MacGregor there with a lovely British accent speaking to me, I think I can get over the lack of Diet Pepsi there. BTW, I tried to abbreviate Diet Pepsi but just couldn't since I know there is a very dirty, dirty, dirty other meaning to (DP)...Gayle are you blushing??????
I signed up for a matchmaker before my last entry. I wish I could say it's been worth the money, but I've only had two matches and the first one was ick (and late) and the second one hasn't occurred yet since he rescheduled and then all of my stuff happened (in addition to the cold). Hopefully, we can meet next week and I can go to London on a high note...or at least some sort of high. Well it's 1 AM and I am worn out. Getting up late, taking my time getting out of the house, spending the day doing job searching, phone answering and basically whatever else I want to do can really take a toll on ya! I will try to get online more frequently since I am totally on my time, I could truly make an entry every hour. But that would get old after a while and then I'd drop it like I do everything else.
OK, so now the pity party is truly over. I do plan to write for at least an hour a day...on the Great American Novel....or at least something Harlequin would publish. She's a virgin and beautiful and he's manly and untamed and together they take in the poor abandoned children and live happily ever after. Kind of like Brad and Angelina except with virginity in it! Yeah, even I don't think I'm that creative.
Have a great Saturday!
Until later.....
Annie M.
When it rains it pours! - 5/4/07
Wow! What a day. 24 hours really since it didn't all happen today. When I told a friend about what all had gone on, she asked "Who did you piss off in a past life?" and yes, it really is that bad. Well in my mind anyway. And we know what a dark and twisted place that can be.
So here goes:
First thing happened last night about 10'ish, not going to discuss it, but it was pretty painful. Set me in the bad mood I woke up in this morning and from there the day went downhill. I had been all set to get up early to exercise on my new elliptical machine, but found I just didn't care if I got gross and fat. That was, of course, before I tried to squeeze my ass into a pair of jeans for casual Friday. Joe put up a slight fuss about being woken up to get dressed. I didn't want the hassle of trying to get medicine into him in the morning so I just threw some more guilt on for not taking care of my child and got in the car.
Next, on the way to work, I sat patiently behind tons of trucks and cars at this one particular light for about 20 minutes going to and from Joe's 'other' daycare that's closer to work. After turning right at the light, I realized there was no traffic around me and in a daydream worrying about how I could recover from the first bad thing that happened, I ended up getting a speeding ticket for going 80 in a 55. I am a dumbass...no question about it. I was willing to take the hit and 'fess up to the crime.
After I pulled over, I was searching for my registration. Of course, it's safely tucked away in a drawer in the living room. Fortunately, the cop was able to search my info so didn't need to have it, but he asked "Is this your first speeding ticket or have you gotten one before?" I answered that I'd had one before and he followed up with "So you didn't learn your lesson from that experience?". Apparently not. That's what set me off into a bout of crying that has just ended about an hour ago. I am so upset with myself for not learning from past mistakes, not listening to friends and others that told me not to do certain things, but I did them anyway. I want to say right here and now, that I am sorry for not listening, you were right. Now, seeing as how I deluded myself for so long, I can't trust myself in any situation. Nothing like a confidence buster when you're getting ready for a new job!
The crying had two good outcomes though...one is release of pent up anxiety and worry. It's been awhile since my last good cry, like 2 or 3 months so that's good. The other is that the cop thought I was so upset about the ticket, that he knocked it down to 69 in a 55 and so no points will be taken off of my license and I'll pay the minimum fine. Silver lining...whatever. So I get to work and everyone can tell some thing is wrong, but I don't want to discuss it, so they all leave me alone. Then my boss calls us all into a meeting around 9 am. No one has any clue what it's about, so we all go a bit early to see if we can figure it out. The entire meeting lasted about 7 and 1/2 minutes and was entirely my boss talking to the group apologizing for the state of the department, his lack of involvement and how everything is going to change for the better and be glorious and magnificent. Oh yeah, and that I am leaving the company.
I left there feeling like I have to leave for positive change to take place. In pretty much everything I do. I joked once that in order to meet the love of your life, you just have to break up with me first and she'll be the next person you date. It's like magic! People's lives are enriched by my leaving is the general message I'm picking up. I remember when I was in college during my sophomore year, I was taking an Astronomy class...Honors college kids get cool science options....and so feeling much the same way as I do now, I described my situation using the newly learned astronomical phrases such as red dwarf, super nova and meteor. I'm sure if I look in one of my past journals I'll find it there. Wow, I am really melodramatic at times! Ok, all the time....
As you can see, right now I'm looking for the cave to go hide in for a little bit. I have the right to have at least 24 hours of pity partying and then I need to get my act together and make changes. Obviously I am insane since I keep doing the same damned things over and over and expect things to come out differently. So as part of my rehab, I will try something new. Like sticking to my word when I say I'm going to do or to not do something anymore. It's gotten so bad lately, I don't even believe me when I say I'm going to do something. I need to have someone to hold me to my word, well besides me I mean. Apparently I am weak and can talk myself out of stuff very easily.
Ok, pity party is winding down. I will be driving up to NC this weekend to celebrate Mom's day early with my grandmother and the kids. I will be thoroughly exhausted and irritated when I get back on Sunday, but it's something I should have done months ago....and I gave my word. I'll let you know how it goes....this whole turning over a new leaf thing is going to be work, huh?
Dammit!
Until later....
Annie M.
So here goes:
First thing happened last night about 10'ish, not going to discuss it, but it was pretty painful. Set me in the bad mood I woke up in this morning and from there the day went downhill. I had been all set to get up early to exercise on my new elliptical machine, but found I just didn't care if I got gross and fat. That was, of course, before I tried to squeeze my ass into a pair of jeans for casual Friday. Joe put up a slight fuss about being woken up to get dressed. I didn't want the hassle of trying to get medicine into him in the morning so I just threw some more guilt on for not taking care of my child and got in the car.
Next, on the way to work, I sat patiently behind tons of trucks and cars at this one particular light for about 20 minutes going to and from Joe's 'other' daycare that's closer to work. After turning right at the light, I realized there was no traffic around me and in a daydream worrying about how I could recover from the first bad thing that happened, I ended up getting a speeding ticket for going 80 in a 55. I am a dumbass...no question about it. I was willing to take the hit and 'fess up to the crime.
After I pulled over, I was searching for my registration. Of course, it's safely tucked away in a drawer in the living room. Fortunately, the cop was able to search my info so didn't need to have it, but he asked "Is this your first speeding ticket or have you gotten one before?" I answered that I'd had one before and he followed up with "So you didn't learn your lesson from that experience?". Apparently not. That's what set me off into a bout of crying that has just ended about an hour ago. I am so upset with myself for not learning from past mistakes, not listening to friends and others that told me not to do certain things, but I did them anyway. I want to say right here and now, that I am sorry for not listening, you were right. Now, seeing as how I deluded myself for so long, I can't trust myself in any situation. Nothing like a confidence buster when you're getting ready for a new job!
The crying had two good outcomes though...one is release of pent up anxiety and worry. It's been awhile since my last good cry, like 2 or 3 months so that's good. The other is that the cop thought I was so upset about the ticket, that he knocked it down to 69 in a 55 and so no points will be taken off of my license and I'll pay the minimum fine. Silver lining...whatever. So I get to work and everyone can tell some thing is wrong, but I don't want to discuss it, so they all leave me alone. Then my boss calls us all into a meeting around 9 am. No one has any clue what it's about, so we all go a bit early to see if we can figure it out. The entire meeting lasted about 7 and 1/2 minutes and was entirely my boss talking to the group apologizing for the state of the department, his lack of involvement and how everything is going to change for the better and be glorious and magnificent. Oh yeah, and that I am leaving the company.
I left there feeling like I have to leave for positive change to take place. In pretty much everything I do. I joked once that in order to meet the love of your life, you just have to break up with me first and she'll be the next person you date. It's like magic! People's lives are enriched by my leaving is the general message I'm picking up. I remember when I was in college during my sophomore year, I was taking an Astronomy class...Honors college kids get cool science options....and so feeling much the same way as I do now, I described my situation using the newly learned astronomical phrases such as red dwarf, super nova and meteor. I'm sure if I look in one of my past journals I'll find it there. Wow, I am really melodramatic at times! Ok, all the time....
As you can see, right now I'm looking for the cave to go hide in for a little bit. I have the right to have at least 24 hours of pity partying and then I need to get my act together and make changes. Obviously I am insane since I keep doing the same damned things over and over and expect things to come out differently. So as part of my rehab, I will try something new. Like sticking to my word when I say I'm going to do or to not do something anymore. It's gotten so bad lately, I don't even believe me when I say I'm going to do something. I need to have someone to hold me to my word, well besides me I mean. Apparently I am weak and can talk myself out of stuff very easily.
Ok, pity party is winding down. I will be driving up to NC this weekend to celebrate Mom's day early with my grandmother and the kids. I will be thoroughly exhausted and irritated when I get back on Sunday, but it's something I should have done months ago....and I gave my word. I'll let you know how it goes....this whole turning over a new leaf thing is going to be work, huh?
Dammit!
Until later....
Annie M.
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