So here's the skinny...

I didn't put this weight on and get unhealthy in one day.  Why am I so intent on trying to undo all this self destruction in one day?  Patience is not my forte to say the least.  I had a quick conversation this morning with someone about stress and weight gain.  They had been sick recently and couldn't believe they gained weight when they were sick...who does that?  I feel the same way, I have limited the hours I eat in (from 8am to 8pm), given up sodas and for the most part am drinking water all day.  I've gained 5 pounds since starting this.  I understand that I need to be on a restricted diet, exercise more some each day and so on and so on, but I should see a blip of a descent so I can be encouraged to keep going.

I don't want to be skinny like a rail.  I know it won't be healthy on my frame and at my age.  I want to be healthy.  Being so uncomfortable that I can't wear my high heels or even sit without being aware of how out of shape I am is a sign that I am not healthy.  Blood levels and whatever may signify something else, although I have naturally high cholesterol, but not having any energy to do anything, being in a foul mood what seems like all the time, and being consumed with thoughts of food or where I am getting my next meal, those should be signs of health as well.

We are having a department lunch today and I have already planned to get something that incorporates my one fruit and one veggie for the day.  I swear I do better when I don't even think about food.  When I forget to eat because I am so enthralled with something I can't be bothered.  What happened to those days?  They are gone like my size 6 jeans.  Long gone I should say.

I read somewhere that knowing you've lost weight in the past is proof that you have the discipline and ability to do it again, but so far it's only made me feel like more of a failure now.  The 'what's wrong with me?' thoughts of why can't I do this now if I could do it then.  But then you have to step back and think about what is different between now and then.  Too much to go into, but suffice to say I had a stronger support system and a whole lot less stress.

So everyday, I try to remember that I need to be patient.  I need to take this one day at a time.  That I cannot undo what I did yesterday, that I can only control what I am about to do next.  I have heard people say that in the past, and thankfully it's finally sinking in.  As I sit here digesting my McDonald's strawberry and banana smoothie (doesn't count as I didn't actually see fruits get put into the blender) and bemoaning my excess, I think, well the next decision will be a good one.  Even if it's one I don't like.

Sigh....until later

Annie