It's been a while. Like a long while. I think I have moved once, changed jobs several times and watched as my family unit has evolved. All this means stress!!!! What have I done in the past when I am stressed? EAT!!!!
Today is day three of the newest program. I don't know why but this one feels different. I am finally taking it seriously and have the image in my mind of what I want to look like and feel like when I am done. So here's the story. I started at my new job in December. Since then I have put on an additional 8-9 pounds topping out at over 190 (191-192 at times). I don't like looking at myself, don't like getting dressed up, don't like being out with people. Pretty much I have turned into a fat, lumpy hermit. This is not what I want to be. I have tried the usual giving up stuff, restricting this food or that food, tried workout programs, running programs, you name it, I have tried it. Something always came up where I 'couldn't' do whatever the regime asked for and within a week or two, I had given up.
About a month ago, someone new started in my group. Now we are a foursome, the cubes are all filled and we are working with all engines on go! This new person has made me feel less like an outsider and more normal within the group. I am the oldest person in the group, but not the manager of the group which brings it's own complications. Then because I am about to send someone off to college, while the rest of them are just beginning their married and parented lives, I don't have much in common. I see them making the right decisions where I made the wrong ones - wrong in the sense that I am not further along in my career or financial security, that kind of wrong, not that any one has died or a country has been put into revolution. I was beginning to feel like I was an alien. But with the new person, I began to feel like it wasn't just me thinking "Yeah, I can't afford $200 a plate dinner receptions on a weekly basis".
So my boss had participated in a fitness competition and worked out with a trainer during that. This trainer has also written a book in which my boss and her experience is highlighted. So my coworker and I decided we would do the program in the book. The book is "Drop 2 Sizes" and it gives detailed menu plans and workout plans. The idea is the right food and the right exercises will help you not to lose weight, that is a by-product, but to change your body mass to be more lean muscle which further helps you to get into the best shape of your life. I think the clincher for me is that I know someone in the book, I can ask her questions or hear how it worked for her directly, without the 'editing' a book may have.
We got the book last week and started on Monday. I can tell I am motivated because I have been cooking all week and I got my ass out of bed at 6 am to get to the gym by 7 to workout before a day of training at work. I have done two workouts, one on day 1 and one today. Today's workout got rid of the aches and pains from Monday's workout....and I am already feeling today's workout in my abs and legs. Fortunately, my new job has an gym in house so I only have to pop over from one building to the next.
I think the difference between this plan and the other plans is that it's not just me doing it and I have a daily check in. I know in the past I have suggested to friends to do something at the same time, but there was no accountability. This time I have a daily check, almost to the hour. It's good to have someone to share the experience with and to commiserate with when I'm feeling down.
So, expect to hear more from me as I go through this journey.
TTYL,
Annie
Friday, May 3, 2013
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Ouch, ouch, ouch...am I supposed to be able to move after this?::
So I went last Thursday to crossfit and was barely able to finish it. I was practically in tears from frustration. Not sure if it was all the lactic acid build up in my muscles or the fact that I was trying to do burpees with an extra 40 lbs on me, but I was about ready to quit right there. Other folks there told me to not get discouraged and I tried to keep that in mind as I went home and proceeded to sit hunched over my laptop for hours working. I slept for about an hour and then went to work for the whole day. I was sore, tired, grumpy and made others grumpy too. Ahhh....spreading the joy.
I did however get up Saturday morning and go to the gym (LA Fitness) and do a benchmark workout for about an hour. I was NOT at the prescribed weight for any of the exercises, but I did 3 rounds in an hour. Not the prescribed rounds, but hey we had stuff to get done that day.
I took Sunday off, but signed up for classes last night, tonight and Thursday night. Last night I struggled with chin ups, tonight I struggled with mountain climbers and Thursday I'll struggle with something else, but there are other things I don't struggle with. Like tonight I shoulder pressed 70lbs, more than once! I know there are things I have to work on on my own like double unders, wall squats and strengthening my wrists, but like someone said earlier - I was there! Showing up is half the battle. Once you're there, you might as well do the workouts right?
Right now, my shoulder aches, my knee and my hip ache and I'll wake up in the morning to 2 Aleve and some aches and pains, but my shoulders are getting definition, doing certain motions are getting easier and I can see a difference in my posture. I mean just the amount of sweat I am putting out after a workout means I'm doing something!
So I'm off to shower and the bed. With luck, some of this weight will start falling off so I have less to lug up in the air for chin ups or toes to the bar. Baby steps, right?
Here are the workouts I did for the last four visits to a gym:
Thursday:
After a warm up which for the life of me I cannot remember:
AMRAP in 10 minutes (should have been 5)
4 overhead squats (I used a 10lb weight)
6 Ring Dips or box dips
8 Burpees
I got about 5 rounds in
Saturday:
WU: 4 sets of 10 reps each of Sampson lunges, OH squats, situps and dips
WO: 5 RFT (rounds for time) of 800 m run, 30 kettleball swings (started with 15lbs, moved down to 8), 30 pull ups - I moved to a reverse row after the first round. I made 3 rounds in an hour.
Monday:
WU: 4 sets of 8-10 reps of reverse lunges with bar - I had 35# but could probably have done more, and chinups - as many as possible but at least 5 per set, I used 2 bands for this one.
WO: 3RFT of 8 front squats (35#) and 400m run. I finished in 10:56
Tuesday:
WU: 8 sets: 5,3,3,2,2,1,1,1 Shoulder presses - I did 55# from the floor for the 8 sets and then did a couple more at 65# and 70# from the rack.
WO: 4 RFT - 150 Mountain Climbers (MC) - I will be getting the hang of double unders so I only have 50 of DU's to do instead - 15 Wall Balls (WB) (I used 6# ball) and 10 toes to bar (T2B) - this I could get at least to waist level. I finished in 18:44 I think.
Tomorrow is a rest day. THANK GOD!
FxF
Annie
I did however get up Saturday morning and go to the gym (LA Fitness) and do a benchmark workout for about an hour. I was NOT at the prescribed weight for any of the exercises, but I did 3 rounds in an hour. Not the prescribed rounds, but hey we had stuff to get done that day.
I took Sunday off, but signed up for classes last night, tonight and Thursday night. Last night I struggled with chin ups, tonight I struggled with mountain climbers and Thursday I'll struggle with something else, but there are other things I don't struggle with. Like tonight I shoulder pressed 70lbs, more than once! I know there are things I have to work on on my own like double unders, wall squats and strengthening my wrists, but like someone said earlier - I was there! Showing up is half the battle. Once you're there, you might as well do the workouts right?
Right now, my shoulder aches, my knee and my hip ache and I'll wake up in the morning to 2 Aleve and some aches and pains, but my shoulders are getting definition, doing certain motions are getting easier and I can see a difference in my posture. I mean just the amount of sweat I am putting out after a workout means I'm doing something!
So I'm off to shower and the bed. With luck, some of this weight will start falling off so I have less to lug up in the air for chin ups or toes to the bar. Baby steps, right?
Here are the workouts I did for the last four visits to a gym:
Thursday:
After a warm up which for the life of me I cannot remember:
AMRAP in 10 minutes (should have been 5)
4 overhead squats (I used a 10lb weight)
6 Ring Dips or box dips
8 Burpees
I got about 5 rounds in
Saturday:
WU: 4 sets of 10 reps each of Sampson lunges, OH squats, situps and dips
WO: 5 RFT (rounds for time) of 800 m run, 30 kettleball swings (started with 15lbs, moved down to 8), 30 pull ups - I moved to a reverse row after the first round. I made 3 rounds in an hour.
Monday:
WU: 4 sets of 8-10 reps of reverse lunges with bar - I had 35# but could probably have done more, and chinups - as many as possible but at least 5 per set, I used 2 bands for this one.
WO: 3RFT of 8 front squats (35#) and 400m run. I finished in 10:56
Tuesday:
WU: 8 sets: 5,3,3,2,2,1,1,1 Shoulder presses - I did 55# from the floor for the 8 sets and then did a couple more at 65# and 70# from the rack.
WO: 4 RFT - 150 Mountain Climbers (MC) - I will be getting the hang of double unders so I only have 50 of DU's to do instead - 15 Wall Balls (WB) (I used 6# ball) and 10 toes to bar (T2B) - this I could get at least to waist level. I finished in 18:44 I think.
Tomorrow is a rest day. THANK GOD!
FxF
Annie
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Hump Day!
Surprisingly, I feel good considering I was feeling day one pain from last night's workout starting about 1 pm today. As long as I don't move, I'm fantastic! Trying to get out of the chair, the car or go to the bathroom....I am like my grandmother with the broken hip, using whatever I can to leverage myself up. Once I get going I'm alright, but changing from up to down or down to up...OMG!!!!!
Tonight, the rest of the group was just as sore as me. We had a different trainer today. We learned more about the different types of typical exercises that will be included in the various WOD's (that's 'workout of the day' in case you missed it). That was our warm up for tonight including box jumps, jump rope, kettle ball swings, wall balls and some different types of lifts with the weight bar. I will have to get a jump rope to practice my DU's - double unders. I love it when I get code words. So basically, not only do I have to jump rope (making all my jiggly parts jiggle a lot more), but I have to at the same time, work on my coordination to be able to pass the jump rope under my feet twice in one jump. And this is where the low copay on medical visits comes in handy.....
The WOD was:
10 to 1
Dead lifts
Power Push
I used a 35 lb bar and could zip through the dead lifts, but the overhead lifts, my arms are like jelly. I will definitely be a T-rex tomorrow....very little arm motion range.
After this week, I have to decide when I'll be fitting the classes into my schedule. Getting there is a struggle, but I am hoping as the days get longer, traffic will improve so it's not so bad. We'll see right?
Learning my lesson from last night, I ate at 4 so as to give enough time to digest before doing the workout. Of course I was starving when I finally got home from class and from taking Alex to his dad's. I was fairly good - scrambled eggs with wild onions, garlic powder and some cheese sprinkled in. DELICIOUS! The trainer tonight asked if we had any nutrition questions. She said that people tend to put the nutritional changes last when implementing health changes, when really they need to do that first. I mentally want to, but convincing that evil twin that craves a box of chocolate covered donuts at 1 am, that's gonna be a struggle!
Well off to bed...hopefully I'll be able to get out of bed in the morning....come on Day 2 pain!
FxF
Annie A.
Tonight, the rest of the group was just as sore as me. We had a different trainer today. We learned more about the different types of typical exercises that will be included in the various WOD's (that's 'workout of the day' in case you missed it). That was our warm up for tonight including box jumps, jump rope, kettle ball swings, wall balls and some different types of lifts with the weight bar. I will have to get a jump rope to practice my DU's - double unders. I love it when I get code words. So basically, not only do I have to jump rope (making all my jiggly parts jiggle a lot more), but I have to at the same time, work on my coordination to be able to pass the jump rope under my feet twice in one jump. And this is where the low copay on medical visits comes in handy.....
The WOD was:
10 to 1
Dead lifts
Power Push
I used a 35 lb bar and could zip through the dead lifts, but the overhead lifts, my arms are like jelly. I will definitely be a T-rex tomorrow....very little arm motion range.
After this week, I have to decide when I'll be fitting the classes into my schedule. Getting there is a struggle, but I am hoping as the days get longer, traffic will improve so it's not so bad. We'll see right?
Learning my lesson from last night, I ate at 4 so as to give enough time to digest before doing the workout. Of course I was starving when I finally got home from class and from taking Alex to his dad's. I was fairly good - scrambled eggs with wild onions, garlic powder and some cheese sprinkled in. DELICIOUS! The trainer tonight asked if we had any nutrition questions. She said that people tend to put the nutritional changes last when implementing health changes, when really they need to do that first. I mentally want to, but convincing that evil twin that craves a box of chocolate covered donuts at 1 am, that's gonna be a struggle!
Well off to bed...hopefully I'll be able to get out of bed in the morning....come on Day 2 pain!
FxF
Annie A.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Who signs me up for this crap?????
Day one of Cross Fit on the Move. Oh My God! I thought I was gonna hurl and I wasn't even a third of the way thru the workout. I finished though, made it home, put laundry away, showered, got the boy in bed and got some work done. I won't make it to bed on time tonight, but I worked out like a mo-fo today. Here is the workout in case anyone wants to follow along:
Warm up:
Warm up:
- Rowing (machine obviously since we didn't have a boat handy) 200m
- Squats - 2 minutes
- 10 pushups (good form - keep that butt tucked in!)
- 400m run
Workout:
- 400 m run
- 15 pullups, pushups and squats
- 12 pullups, pushups and squats
- 9 pullups, pushups and squats
- 400m run
I completed in 14:04. I'm guessing this was a benchmark workout and I will probably do this again soon to see my progress. Hopefully, I'll make some. #1 progress is to not feel nauseous after the run and the first set of pullups. After that I went outside for a minute to cool off, catch my breath. Next time I want to pace myself so I can make it through without stopping. #2 progress is to do an actual pull up - using the bar - and not the modification of the ring row. #3 progress is to not do girlie push ups - legs straight, butt tucked, pound them out. My squats were my best format - had those down pat. One lady nearby clicked every time she did one. Thankfully that wasn't me. Today. However, tomorrow is probably another thing altogether.
This morning I had weighed in at 170.8. We'll see if I cross the 170 barrier in the morning. Fingers crossed...well they would be if they didn't hurt like the rest of me.
I also got the guide for the gluten free diet - not sure I have the strength to start that until the weekend. Planning is #1 and with nothing but rice chex and skim milk for breakfast, I'm not gonna be able to start right away. I struggle with maintaining interest past the first week so with everyone watching (so to speak) I have to definitely make more of an effort. And no more wasting fresh veggies by buying them and letting them rot in the fridge while I eat cookies and microwaved pizzas. How stupid is that right?
I am struggling with the idea of deprivation. I know I shouldn't be feeling that way because I will be full, but right now it feels like I am giving up the good stuff. I need to change the mindset to giving up the bad stuff. Like if I was giving up cigarettes or something like that. I know I need to give up the sodas...today I read that the same ingredient used in flame retardant is used in Mountain Dew. So in those commercials where the kids do stupid things...there's a reason for that. I need to warn my cousin in Florida who drinks those like I drink Diet Pepsi's. I'm sure she'd say the same thing back to me....aspartame causes brain damage and increases my chances of getting diabetes. AWESOME! No wonder I can't think anymore.
Well, the nausea has passed, but the exhaustion is setting in. Happy Tuesday everyone!
FxF
Annie A.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Man that hurts!
Falling off the wagon should leave physical marks like, well like you fell off a wagon. Why is it a wagon anyway? Wouldn't a bus be faster, and you'd be less likely to fall off of it...just sayin'....but I digress.
So I avoided blogging when I started drinking soda again, kept avoiding it when I couldn't stop eating at 8 pm, and when the new year weekend came and went, I figured I'd get back into it when I settled into a new workout routine. These things did not happen, neither the blogging, nor the workout routine.
Here is what I know. I procrastinate. I like to sit around reading or working on the computer or watching TV rather than hiking mountains, doing triathalons or whatever other outrageously physical activity there is out there. I also know that I don't like my stationary lifestyle and I make forays to change it but nothing sticks. Here's why: Patience.
We all know I don't have any and so when I don't see some tremendous effect in the first week, I lose interest. I allow one bad habit to creep back in, then another, and then I am right back playing FB games for hours on end, stuffing a bag of cookies in my mouth while watching TV and NOT doing anything physical or productive.
That ends. Actually it already ended. These are the changes I've made:
So I avoided blogging when I started drinking soda again, kept avoiding it when I couldn't stop eating at 8 pm, and when the new year weekend came and went, I figured I'd get back into it when I settled into a new workout routine. These things did not happen, neither the blogging, nor the workout routine.
Here is what I know. I procrastinate. I like to sit around reading or working on the computer or watching TV rather than hiking mountains, doing triathalons or whatever other outrageously physical activity there is out there. I also know that I don't like my stationary lifestyle and I make forays to change it but nothing sticks. Here's why: Patience.
We all know I don't have any and so when I don't see some tremendous effect in the first week, I lose interest. I allow one bad habit to creep back in, then another, and then I am right back playing FB games for hours on end, stuffing a bag of cookies in my mouth while watching TV and NOT doing anything physical or productive.
That ends. Actually it already ended. These are the changes I've made:
- I gave up FB games two weeks ago. It's caused me to be on the computer a lot less too. I am more productive at work since I am not sneaking off to my FB page to send gifts or work on goals or whatever.
- I have tried a couple of different meal plans, but one thing is for sure...no more gluten. I bought Ezekiel bread the other day for the kids, but I am working hard at finding gluten free products (delicious chocolate cookies by Pamela's in case you're interested).
- I finally called and made my appointment to use the Cross Fit on the Move (CFOTM) Groupon I bought a couple of months ago. I had my first class tonight. More on that later.
- I am working hard at getting enough sleep and not taking stress from home to work and stress from work home at night. I am enjoying spending time with my family. Soon I may be ready to venture out into public...not yet though.
I have done these things this month. I hope with the CFOTM classes, I will actually get my ass moving again. I have a bet with a friend that the person that loses 10 lbs first gets a new purse from the other person. Sadly neither of us is doing all that well although she is in a pant size smaller while I am bursting the seams on my size 14's. She is 5 (or more) inches taller than me - how can she be in clothes smaller than me??? What is up with that?
One of the things we had to do tonight was write down 5 goals that being at CFOTM would help us accomplish. This is a list of the 4 I wrote down and the one I secretly keep in my head as the REAL motivator for my fitness kick this go round:
- I want to reach my goal weight of 138 lbs. This would mean losing (as of this morning's weigh in) 35.2lbs.
- I want to be able to run a 1/2 marathon in under 2:15:00 - that would mean improving my record by 5-7 minutes, but would entail getting faster and in better shape to be able to endure a 1/2 marathon.
- I want to be in clothes 2-3 sizes smaller (this is an 8 or a 10).
- I want to be healthy and strong and fit.
and the 5th reason - I want to look so damned good, 'that' guy will regret not picking me. You know the guy. The one that when you think about him you start to salivate, the one that in your current state, he doesn't look twice at you, the one that you would love to have hanging on the line while you make him crazy for you. Yeah, that guy. We all have one, had one or want one. So while I am not doing this to get him back, I am thankful to him for giving me the motivation to do this. I want to be confident in my skin enough to know he wants me and you know what, I don't want him anymore.
Okay, well I have to get offline now so I can make my bedtime of 10:30. It's a shame my brain doesn't know it's bedtime yet, but soon, soon I will get my rhythms back. Nite nite all!
FxF (Fit by Forty)
Annie
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Day 17 - The Creep
Creep.
Interesting word. It can mean really obnoxious person that makes your skin crawl when you see them. It can mean to move slowly and furtively to avoid detection. That second definition can also be used in slang to mean sneaking around on your loved one (yes, that's a TLC reference). Today though it means, all those urges and cravings and bad habits sneaking back into my routine and derailing me from success, like kudzu up a phone pole.
Last night, I got home from work to find two day laborers in my bathroom redoing the shower. A bit weird to have two people I didn't know hanging around, but at least I have a newly tiled (albeit tiled incorrectly) shower to show for it. I thought that I wouldn't get pressured into eating a big meal I didn't need or want simply because the kids needed to have dinner. I just had a banana (my fruit for the day) and watched some TV. Eventually though, my cravings got the best of me and I made the 3 (count 'em 3!) boxes of the Pillsbury ready to cook holiday cookies. Then I doled them out stingily to the children and guarded them by putting them next to me on the couch. It was well after 8 pm when I started making them. I finished eating around 10:30 when I put the rest of the cookies in a bag in the kitchen for the next day. Sadly, I brought the bag with me to work....although I have not eaten anything yet.
I am thinking that the 8pm cut off might be the hardest step so far. I have been able to resist the urge to drink sodas, and thus far I am two for two on my goal for this week, but being awake for hours after that 8 pm cutoff knowing that I won't be able to eat anything is doing two things to me: making me eat more before the cutoff time and making me think about food ALL the time!
Last night, as I was laying in bed regretting my food choices for the day, I thought I am not alone. At lunch yesterday, we went to Ted's and while everyone else got a burger, I got a salad. Although the salad did have steak strips on it, bacon and bleu cheese, it had about 2 1/2 cups of lettuce (spinach greens - my favorite), cucumbers, carrots and radishes. I didn't eat the whole thing and I felt full and satisfied when I left the table....not uncomfortable. Everyone that had gotten a burger was moaning and groaning about how much they had eaten, how they needed to stop eating but just couldn't and how uncomfortable they were with all that food in them. My satisfaction lasted about 15 minutes after we got back from lunch when I was scrounging for change to get a candy bar out of the machine. Then about 2 hours later, shared a candy bar with another friend. And after that, finished the rest of the salad that I had packed up from the restaurant.
Next week I begin food journaling and I will force myself to write it all down. Since I am so lazy, maybe it'll make me eat less knowing I have to document it all. I doubt it. I want this to be a new change for me so I will work hard to make it become a habit. I'm only 4 days away from no sodas being a habit. They say it takes 21 days of doing something for it to become habit.
So to make up for my late night binge, I am waiting a full 12 hours to eat something again. Giving my body time to rest from the process of digesting. And hopefully, I won't go overboard on the cookies again!
Until later....
Annie
Interesting word. It can mean really obnoxious person that makes your skin crawl when you see them. It can mean to move slowly and furtively to avoid detection. That second definition can also be used in slang to mean sneaking around on your loved one (yes, that's a TLC reference). Today though it means, all those urges and cravings and bad habits sneaking back into my routine and derailing me from success, like kudzu up a phone pole.
Last night, I got home from work to find two day laborers in my bathroom redoing the shower. A bit weird to have two people I didn't know hanging around, but at least I have a newly tiled (albeit tiled incorrectly) shower to show for it. I thought that I wouldn't get pressured into eating a big meal I didn't need or want simply because the kids needed to have dinner. I just had a banana (my fruit for the day) and watched some TV. Eventually though, my cravings got the best of me and I made the 3 (count 'em 3!) boxes of the Pillsbury ready to cook holiday cookies. Then I doled them out stingily to the children and guarded them by putting them next to me on the couch. It was well after 8 pm when I started making them. I finished eating around 10:30 when I put the rest of the cookies in a bag in the kitchen for the next day. Sadly, I brought the bag with me to work....although I have not eaten anything yet.
I am thinking that the 8pm cut off might be the hardest step so far. I have been able to resist the urge to drink sodas, and thus far I am two for two on my goal for this week, but being awake for hours after that 8 pm cutoff knowing that I won't be able to eat anything is doing two things to me: making me eat more before the cutoff time and making me think about food ALL the time!
Last night, as I was laying in bed regretting my food choices for the day, I thought I am not alone. At lunch yesterday, we went to Ted's and while everyone else got a burger, I got a salad. Although the salad did have steak strips on it, bacon and bleu cheese, it had about 2 1/2 cups of lettuce (spinach greens - my favorite), cucumbers, carrots and radishes. I didn't eat the whole thing and I felt full and satisfied when I left the table....not uncomfortable. Everyone that had gotten a burger was moaning and groaning about how much they had eaten, how they needed to stop eating but just couldn't and how uncomfortable they were with all that food in them. My satisfaction lasted about 15 minutes after we got back from lunch when I was scrounging for change to get a candy bar out of the machine. Then about 2 hours later, shared a candy bar with another friend. And after that, finished the rest of the salad that I had packed up from the restaurant.
Next week I begin food journaling and I will force myself to write it all down. Since I am so lazy, maybe it'll make me eat less knowing I have to document it all. I doubt it. I want this to be a new change for me so I will work hard to make it become a habit. I'm only 4 days away from no sodas being a habit. They say it takes 21 days of doing something for it to become habit.
So to make up for my late night binge, I am waiting a full 12 hours to eat something again. Giving my body time to rest from the process of digesting. And hopefully, I won't go overboard on the cookies again!
Until later....
Annie
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
So here's the skinny...
I didn't put this weight on and get unhealthy in one day. Why am I so intent on trying to undo all this self destruction in one day? Patience is not my forte to say the least. I had a quick conversation this morning with someone about stress and weight gain. They had been sick recently and couldn't believe they gained weight when they were sick...who does that? I feel the same way, I have limited the hours I eat in (from 8am to 8pm), given up sodas and for the most part am drinking water all day. I've gained 5 pounds since starting this. I understand that I need to be on a restricted diet, exercise more some each day and so on and so on, but I should see a blip of a descent so I can be encouraged to keep going.
I don't want to be skinny like a rail. I know it won't be healthy on my frame and at my age. I want to be healthy. Being so uncomfortable that I can't wear my high heels or even sit without being aware of how out of shape I am is a sign that I am not healthy. Blood levels and whatever may signify something else, although I have naturally high cholesterol, but not having any energy to do anything, being in a foul mood what seems like all the time, and being consumed with thoughts of food or where I am getting my next meal, those should be signs of health as well.
We are having a department lunch today and I have already planned to get something that incorporates my one fruit and one veggie for the day. I swear I do better when I don't even think about food. When I forget to eat because I am so enthralled with something I can't be bothered. What happened to those days? They are gone like my size 6 jeans. Long gone I should say.
I read somewhere that knowing you've lost weight in the past is proof that you have the discipline and ability to do it again, but so far it's only made me feel like more of a failure now. The 'what's wrong with me?' thoughts of why can't I do this now if I could do it then. But then you have to step back and think about what is different between now and then. Too much to go into, but suffice to say I had a stronger support system and a whole lot less stress.
So everyday, I try to remember that I need to be patient. I need to take this one day at a time. That I cannot undo what I did yesterday, that I can only control what I am about to do next. I have heard people say that in the past, and thankfully it's finally sinking in. As I sit here digesting my McDonald's strawberry and banana smoothie (doesn't count as I didn't actually see fruits get put into the blender) and bemoaning my excess, I think, well the next decision will be a good one. Even if it's one I don't like.
Sigh....until later
Annie
I don't want to be skinny like a rail. I know it won't be healthy on my frame and at my age. I want to be healthy. Being so uncomfortable that I can't wear my high heels or even sit without being aware of how out of shape I am is a sign that I am not healthy. Blood levels and whatever may signify something else, although I have naturally high cholesterol, but not having any energy to do anything, being in a foul mood what seems like all the time, and being consumed with thoughts of food or where I am getting my next meal, those should be signs of health as well.
We are having a department lunch today and I have already planned to get something that incorporates my one fruit and one veggie for the day. I swear I do better when I don't even think about food. When I forget to eat because I am so enthralled with something I can't be bothered. What happened to those days? They are gone like my size 6 jeans. Long gone I should say.
I read somewhere that knowing you've lost weight in the past is proof that you have the discipline and ability to do it again, but so far it's only made me feel like more of a failure now. The 'what's wrong with me?' thoughts of why can't I do this now if I could do it then. But then you have to step back and think about what is different between now and then. Too much to go into, but suffice to say I had a stronger support system and a whole lot less stress.
So everyday, I try to remember that I need to be patient. I need to take this one day at a time. That I cannot undo what I did yesterday, that I can only control what I am about to do next. I have heard people say that in the past, and thankfully it's finally sinking in. As I sit here digesting my McDonald's strawberry and banana smoothie (doesn't count as I didn't actually see fruits get put into the blender) and bemoaning my excess, I think, well the next decision will be a good one. Even if it's one I don't like.
Sigh....until later
Annie
Monday, December 19, 2011
Week 3: The crunch begins....
So it's week 3. Day 15. The burn to resort to soda drinking is felt daily now. Probably out of boredom with water, although I do like a nice ice cold glass of agua these days, but when I hear that crack of soda can being opened at the office...I start looking for change for the machine. Cutting off consumption at 8 pm? Struggling. Last night, because we were out of the house so long and then came home to do decorating and such, I broke down and ate after 8....and then proceeded to eat until almost 11 pm. (Shaking my head). But like they say, I can't let this false step knock me off the pathway to healthiness.
And so, here I am, trying to muster up the will to create a new goal, a new good habit. Not having lost ANY weight and in fact, gaining weight in the last two week, is so demoralizing. I have lost weight in the past (back when Ephedra was legal) and it felt like it fell off me and I was motivated to exercise and such. But then that was 12 years ago, I had a spouse to help with housework, the kids and finances. Considering I am a stress eater and suddenly it feels like all I have is stress, no wonder I have packed on the pounds.
I want to do something different than I have done before, so I am not going to quit, I am not going to make excuses for sabotaging myself. I am going to stick this through. Slow and steady wins the race right? Just call me Turtle then, because I want to win. So here goes....
Week 3 Goal: Eat at least one fruit and one veggie per day
Sounds simple, considering that whole food pyramid recommends more, but it's not a normal habit. Fruit doesn't come out of a vending machine. Veggies can't be bought at the convenience store. So I have to go out of my way to include these in my diet. Hopefully, one will lead to another will lead to another and then suddenly I'm at my 5 a day.
So far today, corn (about a cup of cooked kernels) and a banana. I know as far as glucose levels, these are bad choices, but again baby steps. I will educate myself as I go about this and each time I make a decision that helps me like not getting the soda and getting the water instead, I am closer to getting fit by 40. I may not look it right now, but I'm sure I am lowering all those important levels and beginning to raise some others that need raising.
Next week is definitely the food journaling. I'm pretty sure I'm packing in about 3,000 calories a day and we all know that won't get me anywhere except fatter and more unhealthy, but I'll worry about that next week.
Have a great night....Happy Week 3!
Annie
And so, here I am, trying to muster up the will to create a new goal, a new good habit. Not having lost ANY weight and in fact, gaining weight in the last two week, is so demoralizing. I have lost weight in the past (back when Ephedra was legal) and it felt like it fell off me and I was motivated to exercise and such. But then that was 12 years ago, I had a spouse to help with housework, the kids and finances. Considering I am a stress eater and suddenly it feels like all I have is stress, no wonder I have packed on the pounds.
I want to do something different than I have done before, so I am not going to quit, I am not going to make excuses for sabotaging myself. I am going to stick this through. Slow and steady wins the race right? Just call me Turtle then, because I want to win. So here goes....
Week 3 Goal: Eat at least one fruit and one veggie per day
Sounds simple, considering that whole food pyramid recommends more, but it's not a normal habit. Fruit doesn't come out of a vending machine. Veggies can't be bought at the convenience store. So I have to go out of my way to include these in my diet. Hopefully, one will lead to another will lead to another and then suddenly I'm at my 5 a day.
So far today, corn (about a cup of cooked kernels) and a banana. I know as far as glucose levels, these are bad choices, but again baby steps. I will educate myself as I go about this and each time I make a decision that helps me like not getting the soda and getting the water instead, I am closer to getting fit by 40. I may not look it right now, but I'm sure I am lowering all those important levels and beginning to raise some others that need raising.
Next week is definitely the food journaling. I'm pretty sure I'm packing in about 3,000 calories a day and we all know that won't get me anywhere except fatter and more unhealthy, but I'll worry about that next week.
Have a great night....Happy Week 3!
Annie
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Day 11: I shouldn't have opened my big mouth!
Remember how I said I was expecting the weight to just fall off me now that I wasn't drinking soda anymore and instead was drinking water solely? Yeah, ha-ha-ha....didn't happen. Nope instead I've ballooned up to 174 lbs. I think I outweigh most of the Tour de France riders at this point. My only guess is that because I had a flare up with my back over the weekend, the Advil and Aleve I was taking like breath mints caused more bloating than anything. After seeing the chiropractor this week, the pain is gone, so I have stopped the meds and have seen a slight decrease (173.8 - big whoop) in my weight.
People tell you to not look at the scale when you are trying to lose weight, but I find that without that daily motivation, either because I have gained weight and need to assess my eating and exercise or because I lost weight and want to continue what I've been doing to get there, without that...I just get out of control. They tell you instead to judge your progress by how your clothes fit. Well, they don't...and not in a good way.
The goal for this week has been no eating after 8pm. On Tuesday I stopped eating at 8:02, but I am proud that I left the food on the plate and just said "Annie, you are going to do this. Put the fork down." and followed through with that.
In addition, to the goal for the week, I began doing the Jillian Michaels "Ripped in 30" workout DVD. So far I have done it 3 of the last 4 days and haven't made it through the Week 1 workout completely yet. I am getting further along each time. Last night I set the timer for 25 minutes and except for a couple of breaks to catch my breath or get water, I made it through. Joe is very encouraging. He can see when I feel like giving up and says "You can do this, Mommy". I like the video because she is honest with you. There's one section where she says she knows we can do the exercise because she has seen 400-500 pound people do it and they lived to tell about it. She uses words like 'commit' and 'dedicate', tells us to give it all we've got, and I find that those are inspirational words. I really focus on the muscle movements and form. After I finished last night, I didn't feel like I was going to die right there. Well I did, but about 15 minutes later, after I caught my breath, I could feel energy was coming back in. That's a good thing.
Someone made the comment to me yesterday about learning patience. If they only knew how much of a struggle it is to keep myself from setting up impossible goals all at once now in my eagerness to see lasting results. I am doing something new...relieving the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...and hopefully I will see different results this time. Baby steps, right?
I am trying to decide what next week's goal should be. I am wavering between food journal and one fruit/veggie per day. Since the latter was an option for week 2, you can tell I am procrastinating on that one. At the same time, food journaling even with all the apps out there like LoseIt is a pain in the ass. Not because it makes you realize how much crap you are shoveling in, but because of the constant checking in and such. Either one of these options is going to be a struggle for me, but I will know for sure on Sunday before Week 3 starts.
Well, off to eat my oatmeal and hope it has negative calories....
ttyl,
Annie
People tell you to not look at the scale when you are trying to lose weight, but I find that without that daily motivation, either because I have gained weight and need to assess my eating and exercise or because I lost weight and want to continue what I've been doing to get there, without that...I just get out of control. They tell you instead to judge your progress by how your clothes fit. Well, they don't...and not in a good way.
The goal for this week has been no eating after 8pm. On Tuesday I stopped eating at 8:02, but I am proud that I left the food on the plate and just said "Annie, you are going to do this. Put the fork down." and followed through with that.
In addition, to the goal for the week, I began doing the Jillian Michaels "Ripped in 30" workout DVD. So far I have done it 3 of the last 4 days and haven't made it through the Week 1 workout completely yet. I am getting further along each time. Last night I set the timer for 25 minutes and except for a couple of breaks to catch my breath or get water, I made it through. Joe is very encouraging. He can see when I feel like giving up and says "You can do this, Mommy". I like the video because she is honest with you. There's one section where she says she knows we can do the exercise because she has seen 400-500 pound people do it and they lived to tell about it. She uses words like 'commit' and 'dedicate', tells us to give it all we've got, and I find that those are inspirational words. I really focus on the muscle movements and form. After I finished last night, I didn't feel like I was going to die right there. Well I did, but about 15 minutes later, after I caught my breath, I could feel energy was coming back in. That's a good thing.
Someone made the comment to me yesterday about learning patience. If they only knew how much of a struggle it is to keep myself from setting up impossible goals all at once now in my eagerness to see lasting results. I am doing something new...relieving the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...and hopefully I will see different results this time. Baby steps, right?
I am trying to decide what next week's goal should be. I am wavering between food journal and one fruit/veggie per day. Since the latter was an option for week 2, you can tell I am procrastinating on that one. At the same time, food journaling even with all the apps out there like LoseIt is a pain in the ass. Not because it makes you realize how much crap you are shoveling in, but because of the constant checking in and such. Either one of these options is going to be a struggle for me, but I will know for sure on Sunday before Week 3 starts.
Well, off to eat my oatmeal and hope it has negative calories....
ttyl,
Annie
Monday, December 12, 2011
Week 2 - Fit by 40
Okay so I suck at remembering to update daily. That's the bad news.
The good news is that I stuck to my guns and went a whole week without sodas. YAY ME! Okay, celebration is over. On to week 2....
Week 2 Goal: Nothing but water after 8 pm
Sounds so simple, but when you get home at 6:15, settle in, get homework and housework done, take care of animals, put on the elastic waist pajama pants and land on the couch, it's well after 8 pm. And that's when I want to reward myself for another hard day survived with something sweet. And tonight is Joe's cub scout holiday dinner which doesn't start until 7 so hopefully I'll be done and out of there by 8.
I have learned in the last week to try to be more patient as well. It was really hard towards the end of the week to resist the carbonated fizziness of a soda, but I persevered and made it out the other side. By Friday I was thinking of what my next week's goal was and when I would start it, but since I started Week 1 on a Monday, I figured all the weeks should start on a Monday. Learning not to rush things is another helpful tool to get through life....probably save me $ on speeding tickets too.
So instead of trying to do everything at once, I am taking baby steps. One thing mastered at a time before I move on and in the process I learn how to take things as they come, not rush or regret. Wow, that sounds very zen and we all know that I am anything but, but maybe it's time to make a change.
Happy Monday!
Annie
The good news is that I stuck to my guns and went a whole week without sodas. YAY ME! Okay, celebration is over. On to week 2....
Week 2 Goal: Nothing but water after 8 pm
Sounds so simple, but when you get home at 6:15, settle in, get homework and housework done, take care of animals, put on the elastic waist pajama pants and land on the couch, it's well after 8 pm. And that's when I want to reward myself for another hard day survived with something sweet. And tonight is Joe's cub scout holiday dinner which doesn't start until 7 so hopefully I'll be done and out of there by 8.
I have learned in the last week to try to be more patient as well. It was really hard towards the end of the week to resist the carbonated fizziness of a soda, but I persevered and made it out the other side. By Friday I was thinking of what my next week's goal was and when I would start it, but since I started Week 1 on a Monday, I figured all the weeks should start on a Monday. Learning not to rush things is another helpful tool to get through life....probably save me $ on speeding tickets too.
So instead of trying to do everything at once, I am taking baby steps. One thing mastered at a time before I move on and in the process I learn how to take things as they come, not rush or regret. Wow, that sounds very zen and we all know that I am anything but, but maybe it's time to make a change.
Happy Monday!
Annie
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Day 4 - The Rebound
First, let me say I'm sorry for missing yesterday. I kept thinking "I need to blog" but the time never appeared magically when I had the opportunity and mental capacity to do it. I will tell you that the headache was a B**CH and not being able to take anything for fear of caffeine being hidden in it, I suffered through. Being mostly asleep all day helped with that. But around 5 pm something happened. I had energy. Probably at the thought of pizza and bingo, but I'll take it. AND I survived a restaurant setting with only water. Go me!
One thing I was hoping would happen would be miraculous weight loss on the first week out. Realizing that I haven't started my exercise program, nor have I really altered my food consumption, replacing one non-caloric drink for another (even if it is the BEST non-caloric beverage) really wouldn't affect my weight all that much. I weighed 170 lbs on Monday morning when I was 12 hours into non-soda-dom, then Tuesday was pissed at 170.8. WHAT???? I'm going with water weight. I'm sure my organs were like those little dinosaur pellets...add water and they grow to 15 times their original size. I'm flush again and can see the difference in my face and skin. Wednesday morning, the scale started moving in the right direction...down. It was 170.6 but I'll take it and this morning it was 170.2, so almost back to the starting point. And since I don't plan to go back to soda drinking, I don't anticipate it going up again. So Good-Bye 170's, I'd say it's been nice knowing you, but...well...it hasn't been.
I've been seriously considering what I should make my week 2 goal. I have had a couple of conversations about my Fit by 40 plan and how I have 53 weeks to get there. I have thought that it doesn't just mean physically fit. There is financially fit, mentally fit, emotionally fit and spiritually fit as well. Basically taking all those things you don't like about yourself and addressing them, one week at a time. Mostly because I think I couldn't find 53 goals having to do with exercise or food. All that being said, for the first month or so, most of the goals will be food or exercise related because I want to work on my focus as well....complete one thing before starting on another kind of thing.
I will tell you that the benefits of drinking water are definitely making themselves apparent. I am not waking up with limbs tingling from poor circulation. I am going to bed at a decent hour at night, getting enough rest to take on the next day rather than starting in a deficit. My skin is clearing up and no new breakouts and it feels softer all over. I noticed that this morning. I think I am losing inches in my legs as my pants feel different, looser is my guess, although I don't remember them being 'tight' in my thighs, just in my waist. Let's just say I am noticing extra space where there wasn't before and call it good.
I also have noticed that I am not craving as much sugary foods now that I have given up the soda. So like a smoker with coffee, if I give up one of the pair, I am not inclined to have the other. I've always been a stress eater and that probably won't change, but the thought of the extra sugary stuff I'd been eating before just don't appeal anymore. Leaves me in a quandary though when I don't have healthy snacks at the office. I have been chewing a LOT of spearmint gum lately. I am hoping that the mental acuity benefit kicks in soon...before I forget my name.
So options for week 2's goal are 1) Not consuming after 8 pm or 2) eating at least one fruit or veggie (a real one, not vitamins or the kind covered in cheese or hidden in a sports drink) per day. For normal people (people who aren't me basically) these sound like something you'd just do without making them a goal, but some of us who have lost our way, we have to go back to basics. I am leaning towards the night time cut off and may save the fruit/veggie for the week after. Baby steps, right?
Well, I should probably get going on the work that is piling up as I sit here and type. Nothing like a little pressure to help motivate, right?
Happy Thursday!
Annie
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Day 2 - They don't mention the sleepines.........
So it's day 2 for Fit by 40, day 2 of no sodas. Reading up on the side effects of caffeine withdrawal. Hopefully I am on the short end of 2-9 days of sleepiness, sleeplessness (make up your mind already!), headaches, nausea, constipation, flu like symptoms and depression. Most sites say if the doctor doesn't make you give it up why do it! But much like any other addict, I am looking forward to a time when I am not driven by when I will get my next fix.
Someone today suggested that once I am free of the addictions (sugar, soda, breads) I can reintroduce them. I had to explain that the addiction never goes away, as soon as I take one sip, one bite, one taste, I'll be finding excuses to get more. Instead, I will think of ways to spend the savings. 3 - 12 packs at grocery store $12 per week = $624 in savings from just what I was keeping in the house. Can you imagine what it'll be for not having sodas with meals or picking up a drink at the gas station or grocery store. I remember when they were a dollar cheaper than they are now and yet I still buy. So depressing.
I am glad to be making a positive change in my life. I feel like if I can get through week 1's goal, the rest will be easier. Just maintaining this for a week is a huge accomplishment. Of course it'll help that I will spend most of it asleep from lack of caffeine. (yawn). I won't get discouraged that I weighed more this morning than I did yesterday morning. I know it'll take a few days for my body to get caught up with the changes I'm making. The hardest part is being patient and not trying to do too many new or different things at once. It's funny how many times you can read something or hear the same advice before you take it to heart. Biting off more than I can chew is familiar territory (and probably why I am 32 lbs over my goal weight), and one that finds me giving up before I really had a chance to start.
Tomorrow is like that 2nd day after you work out, where you know the pain is gonna hit ya, but there is nothing you can do but brace for it. So tonight, I am getting a good night's sleep, drink my water and take my melatonin and hopefully wake up refreshed tomorrow morning. And I will be patient with myself and just focus on getting the water in.
G'nite,
Annie
Someone today suggested that once I am free of the addictions (sugar, soda, breads) I can reintroduce them. I had to explain that the addiction never goes away, as soon as I take one sip, one bite, one taste, I'll be finding excuses to get more. Instead, I will think of ways to spend the savings. 3 - 12 packs at grocery store $12 per week = $624 in savings from just what I was keeping in the house. Can you imagine what it'll be for not having sodas with meals or picking up a drink at the gas station or grocery store. I remember when they were a dollar cheaper than they are now and yet I still buy. So depressing.
I am glad to be making a positive change in my life. I feel like if I can get through week 1's goal, the rest will be easier. Just maintaining this for a week is a huge accomplishment. Of course it'll help that I will spend most of it asleep from lack of caffeine. (yawn). I won't get discouraged that I weighed more this morning than I did yesterday morning. I know it'll take a few days for my body to get caught up with the changes I'm making. The hardest part is being patient and not trying to do too many new or different things at once. It's funny how many times you can read something or hear the same advice before you take it to heart. Biting off more than I can chew is familiar territory (and probably why I am 32 lbs over my goal weight), and one that finds me giving up before I really had a chance to start.
Tomorrow is like that 2nd day after you work out, where you know the pain is gonna hit ya, but there is nothing you can do but brace for it. So tonight, I am getting a good night's sleep, drink my water and take my melatonin and hopefully wake up refreshed tomorrow morning. And I will be patient with myself and just focus on getting the water in.
G'nite,
Annie
Monday, December 5, 2011
Fit by 40 - In the Beginning
I will be 39 years old next week and I feel terrible. I am uncomfortable, have aches and pains, suffer from adult acne blemishes as well as wrinkles, have a terrible attitude and suffer from depression. Who would want to continue on knowing you have at least 30 -40 more years of this on average and in my family the women live until their 90's or later so that's another 60 years of this. So I have decided to get my act together and get fit. No more excuses, no more pretending I'm still in my 20's with a fantastic metabolism and no health risks looming overhead.
I know I am not the only person that wants to do this or has done it. I've googled "Fit at 40" and "Fit by 40" and have found several medical sites for staying active for people over 40, websites advertising exercise programs for getting fit over 40 and a couple of blogs from people like me that want to attain that goal. So it's not an original idea, that much I know for sure.
I remember my brother doing a bunch of health related goals as he approached 40 a couple of years ago as well as the story of a former co-worker who reached 40 and completely turned her life around. Prior to that she had been obese, introverted and had resigned herself to a solitary life, but after reaching 40 she changed her diet, her lifestyle and now is looking fantastic and feeling fantastic and is excited to share her life with others rather than hiding at home.
What I haven't found is a plan to get me there. I suppose in the next 53 weeks I will have the opportunity to develop my own plan to get me here. One new goal per week so 53 little goals to get me to my major goal of being in the best shape I can be in by the time I turn 40 years old. Today I'll share this week's goal:
Week 1: Goal - give up diet sodas
Sounds so easy. However, when I can go through 36 cans in a week at home and probably another couple dozen at the office during the week, this one is gonna be a doozy to overcome and maintain. BUT! (there's always a 'but') After reading that drinking diet sodas ups my chances for getting Type II diabetes when I have a family history of diabetes on both sides of my family, I am a little more motivated. Whenever I want to taste that fizzy deliciousness, I drink some water and keep that vision of my fit and toned body in my mind. And yes, I am only on day one of giving up sodas. It'll be interesting to see when I get over the cravings and the withdrawal symptoms. I did cheat a little earlier today when I took some pain meds that contain caffeine in them. We'll see how that goes. I know I can do this, as I have done it before, even if 'before' was 12 years ago and I gave it up for Lent.
Another reason to give up diet sodas - sodium. For all their non-caloric intake, they are chock full of sodium which causes your body to retain water and is dehydrating to say the least. I am looking forward to feeling and seeing the benefits of drinking water or non-carbonated beverages from now on.
And to think I was just mocking people that have water with lemon at lunch when I go to group lunches at work. I guess I'll be one of the mocked now....but healthier so that makes it all okay.
If you are like me and need lists to back up what you know is the right thing to do, here is a great list of the benefits of drinking water:
I am keen on #1 - weight loss, but clearing up my skin and getting rid of aches and pains are good motivators as well. I remember what someone told me once - the body needs water, when it doesn't get enough, it holds on to every drop it does get and saves it for a rainy day. When you give your body the water it needs, it lets go of what it has saved up and you will see the benefits immediately.
Another goal this week, and along the way, is to write daily of the experience and to provide motivation, not only to me but to anyone out there who needs help with getting over the hump of changing their lives for the better. Without being too cheesy, everyone can use some help and if I can provide a little to someone in need, it makes my life the richer. Yeah, that was pretty cheesy.
Well off to drink more water and pray I don't fall asleep in the middle of work as my body adjusts to it's new found energy source....my metabolism.
Annie
Saturday, April 24, 2010
It's Saturday Night and I ain't got nobody...
I'm sure I'm not the first person that thinks life should have a soundtrack. There are millions of songs out there that we humans have used to express the whole gamut of emotions. Right now, it is Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody...well not human anyway. There's a reason I have a dog and two cats. So I won't feel lonely. I don't think it's working though since I mostly just feel crazy for talking to them when I should be talking to another person.
I crave my weekends without kids like a drug addict. Time to reset, be by myself, not have the energy sucked out of me and to do what I want. It seems though that I spend the time either sleeping, hiding in the house or cleaning up and hoping it stays that way for longer than half an hour. And when it's dark and quiet, I can feel the loneliness creeping in. Of course that same loneliness spurs me to do something new or creative in my life, but I'd rather be boring and predictable with someone to snuggle up with at night.
I can say right now that the biggest thing keeping me from meeting someone is fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of falling for someone to have them disappoint me like so many others have. Last week in my study induced haze, I had a nightmare about a dread disease that was spreading through the population and would eventually kill off most of the adult population. People were supposed to drop dead without warning from this pandemic and there was no known cure. The response to this was drastic. People didn't want to endanger others by dropping dead in the middle of driving or operating heavy machinery or the like so they started determining how they would die. I watched as friends and family members got their affairs in order and then committed suicide in reaction to this upcoming plague. I could feel the sense of loss and emptiness that came over me as I heard about each one of them. I would not be able to talk to them again, no one would remember those shared memories with me again and that hope of one day getting together to do lunch or go over old times was killed as soon as they took their last breath.
I was worried about my kids as well. They said it wasn't affecting children, but I didn't want them at risk either. So I began to write letters to them, explaining what I was doing and what I hoped for each of them...and yes, telling them who got what. I had started each letter and was circling around on what to say exactly when it hit me. The epidemic was fear. Fear made those people die, not some airborne pathogen. And then I was so filled with sadness that my friends were gone for no reason.
Yes, I realize there is a wealth of symbolism and psychiatric significance to this dream. I am in a constant state of worry about something. Money, love, kids, food, work, traffic, cleaning, vacation, love, kids and money...that is what is going through my head at any given moment of the day. I know this dream stemmed from my fear of failing this test even though I had put more study time into this section of the CPA than any other I'd taken so far. Probably because I'd spent that much time studying, my fear was increased because it meant that even with studying if I failed, that would mean I just don't have IT! If I half assed the studying and passed then I am a genius, if I failed, it was because I didn't spend enough time studying. Now if I fail it, it's because I just don't have what it takes to get this thing done.
I also know that I have a tendency to look at the negative in my mind. I think I read somewhere that if I keep the negative in view, it lessens the disappointment when that eventually happens. I have got to stop thinking this way. In one of the thirty or so books I am currently reading or in some stage of finishing, I read that if you think about negative or let fear win, that is exactly what you will always get. Yes, I know that I can get t-shirts, bumper stickers and coffee mugs that tell me that too if I need to see it daily, but I think I'm finally where I need to be to make that switch from Negative Nancy to Positive Paula!
So tonight, I need to change the soundtrack to be more positive. Thank you Gloria Gaynor for my theme song "I will Survive"...because I will.
G'nite,
Annie
I crave my weekends without kids like a drug addict. Time to reset, be by myself, not have the energy sucked out of me and to do what I want. It seems though that I spend the time either sleeping, hiding in the house or cleaning up and hoping it stays that way for longer than half an hour. And when it's dark and quiet, I can feel the loneliness creeping in. Of course that same loneliness spurs me to do something new or creative in my life, but I'd rather be boring and predictable with someone to snuggle up with at night.
I can say right now that the biggest thing keeping me from meeting someone is fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of falling for someone to have them disappoint me like so many others have. Last week in my study induced haze, I had a nightmare about a dread disease that was spreading through the population and would eventually kill off most of the adult population. People were supposed to drop dead without warning from this pandemic and there was no known cure. The response to this was drastic. People didn't want to endanger others by dropping dead in the middle of driving or operating heavy machinery or the like so they started determining how they would die. I watched as friends and family members got their affairs in order and then committed suicide in reaction to this upcoming plague. I could feel the sense of loss and emptiness that came over me as I heard about each one of them. I would not be able to talk to them again, no one would remember those shared memories with me again and that hope of one day getting together to do lunch or go over old times was killed as soon as they took their last breath.
I was worried about my kids as well. They said it wasn't affecting children, but I didn't want them at risk either. So I began to write letters to them, explaining what I was doing and what I hoped for each of them...and yes, telling them who got what. I had started each letter and was circling around on what to say exactly when it hit me. The epidemic was fear. Fear made those people die, not some airborne pathogen. And then I was so filled with sadness that my friends were gone for no reason.
Yes, I realize there is a wealth of symbolism and psychiatric significance to this dream. I am in a constant state of worry about something. Money, love, kids, food, work, traffic, cleaning, vacation, love, kids and money...that is what is going through my head at any given moment of the day. I know this dream stemmed from my fear of failing this test even though I had put more study time into this section of the CPA than any other I'd taken so far. Probably because I'd spent that much time studying, my fear was increased because it meant that even with studying if I failed, that would mean I just don't have IT! If I half assed the studying and passed then I am a genius, if I failed, it was because I didn't spend enough time studying. Now if I fail it, it's because I just don't have what it takes to get this thing done.
I also know that I have a tendency to look at the negative in my mind. I think I read somewhere that if I keep the negative in view, it lessens the disappointment when that eventually happens. I have got to stop thinking this way. In one of the thirty or so books I am currently reading or in some stage of finishing, I read that if you think about negative or let fear win, that is exactly what you will always get. Yes, I know that I can get t-shirts, bumper stickers and coffee mugs that tell me that too if I need to see it daily, but I think I'm finally where I need to be to make that switch from Negative Nancy to Positive Paula!
So tonight, I need to change the soundtrack to be more positive. Thank you Gloria Gaynor for my theme song "I will Survive"...because I will.
G'nite,
Annie
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Who are you to decide for me?
I am currently watching my DVR from last night. How they could schedule a presidential semi debate on the same night as Gold Medal attempt #8 for Michael Phelps, I don't know, but I digress. I am actually listening to McCain's answers before I dismiss them. That's hard for me, but as I mature, I've learned to not fly right off the handle when I hear something I don't like. I waited at least three minutes after hearing McCain's Pro Life spiel before getting on and blogging about it. And now he's going on about what he thinks 'rich' is. Man, did I ask for my blood pressure to be raised today?
So here we go - Abortion or Pro-Choice - Don't take away my right to determine my future. You are talking about doing away with Roe v Wade which would allow me to safely and legally terminate an unwanted pregnancy because you think life begins at conception. That's like saying I believe that the moon is made of cheese and so no one can have pizza anymore. It's so easy for men to make these decisions based on their moral superiority while for women it's a heart wrenching decision to go down one path or the other. Don't tell me that it's equally difficult for a man to make this decision since men walk away from unwanted pregnancies left and right. Yes, some of them stay by the mothers of their children, but an unwanted pregnancy does not a happily ever after make. Where is the survey on that? Yes, they love their children, but is it a perfect love or is there some regret there? The what could have been. For a woman, she either has a child whom she will sacrifice for or a memory of a difficult decision and what if that will live with her for the rest of her life.
I firmly believe that there should be more education, more programs for teens that will keep them from getting into situations that end up in unwanted or even underage pregnancies. Why do teenage girls or even young adult women get pregnant when they don't want to? Because they don't have enough respect or responsibility for themselves to either say no to sex or take the right precautions to ensure that they don't end up pregnant when they don't want to be. I remember getting in an argument on the night of my cousin's wedding with my two uncles and my ex-husband about welfare. They were all against it and said they were just having babies to get a bigger check. I was so fucking pissed off that I gave them my tirade. Of course this was years ago, but the point is still relevant.
Double standard #1 - don't send two messages by covering a man's 'help me get it up' pill by health insurance as a NECESSARY drug, but not cover oral contraception in full because it's an optional choice. That's like saying it's ok for the man to get help when nature so clearly says it's time for him to hang up his spurs, but that if a girl doesn't want to get pregnant then keep your fucking knees together.
Double standard #2 - remove the stigma of abortion when the very people that are making those rules have benefited in some fashion from someone they know having an abortion. If anyone thinks that the movers and shakers haven't partaken of that little bit of legality to ensure their future while still calling it immoral and unethical they are more naive than I am. Women shouldn't have to run a gauntlet or hide their faces after making one of the toughest choices of their lives. Mothers and daughters are typically the ones that are there taking care of business while men are entrenched in their pulpits saying how these women are of loose morals, lazy and taking advantage of the system.
Double standard #3 - Don't make television shows, ads and corporate messages scream SEX, SEX, SEX and then not teach children to responsibly make those decisions. I mean if we have to put warning labels on alcohol and cigarettes, then we should probably put the caveat on what is 'acceptable' during the family hour to say that while it's on TV, the movies, the radio...it doesn't mean that everything works out that way. If everyone is so concerned about sex and who's having it, then don't make it verboten to children until we thrust them out into the world on their own!
I realize that parental input is an important part of this, so if we want to break the cycle, someone needs to step forward and make a difference. Sometimes I think that the people that welfare, abortion, poverty, and all the dark parts of life upset the most really wish they could still wall off communities like a leper colony and let them fend for themselves until they die off.
I am venting all of this here since I know no one will read it, know it's me or care that yet another blogger is expressing themselves about the political situation in this country. I do hope that I take the energy that this topic has generated in me and use it to make a difference in the world versus just rolling over and being bitter and futile. If I make enough noise, I will be able to make my own decisions and not have them made for me without input. That's what this is all about, right?
Well, it's time for the Olympics for tonight....go team USA!
Until later....
Annie M.
So here we go - Abortion or Pro-Choice - Don't take away my right to determine my future. You are talking about doing away with Roe v Wade which would allow me to safely and legally terminate an unwanted pregnancy because you think life begins at conception. That's like saying I believe that the moon is made of cheese and so no one can have pizza anymore. It's so easy for men to make these decisions based on their moral superiority while for women it's a heart wrenching decision to go down one path or the other. Don't tell me that it's equally difficult for a man to make this decision since men walk away from unwanted pregnancies left and right. Yes, some of them stay by the mothers of their children, but an unwanted pregnancy does not a happily ever after make. Where is the survey on that? Yes, they love their children, but is it a perfect love or is there some regret there? The what could have been. For a woman, she either has a child whom she will sacrifice for or a memory of a difficult decision and what if that will live with her for the rest of her life.
I firmly believe that there should be more education, more programs for teens that will keep them from getting into situations that end up in unwanted or even underage pregnancies. Why do teenage girls or even young adult women get pregnant when they don't want to? Because they don't have enough respect or responsibility for themselves to either say no to sex or take the right precautions to ensure that they don't end up pregnant when they don't want to be. I remember getting in an argument on the night of my cousin's wedding with my two uncles and my ex-husband about welfare. They were all against it and said they were just having babies to get a bigger check. I was so fucking pissed off that I gave them my tirade. Of course this was years ago, but the point is still relevant.
Double standard #1 - don't send two messages by covering a man's 'help me get it up' pill by health insurance as a NECESSARY drug, but not cover oral contraception in full because it's an optional choice. That's like saying it's ok for the man to get help when nature so clearly says it's time for him to hang up his spurs, but that if a girl doesn't want to get pregnant then keep your fucking knees together.
Double standard #2 - remove the stigma of abortion when the very people that are making those rules have benefited in some fashion from someone they know having an abortion. If anyone thinks that the movers and shakers haven't partaken of that little bit of legality to ensure their future while still calling it immoral and unethical they are more naive than I am. Women shouldn't have to run a gauntlet or hide their faces after making one of the toughest choices of their lives. Mothers and daughters are typically the ones that are there taking care of business while men are entrenched in their pulpits saying how these women are of loose morals, lazy and taking advantage of the system.
Double standard #3 - Don't make television shows, ads and corporate messages scream SEX, SEX, SEX and then not teach children to responsibly make those decisions. I mean if we have to put warning labels on alcohol and cigarettes, then we should probably put the caveat on what is 'acceptable' during the family hour to say that while it's on TV, the movies, the radio...it doesn't mean that everything works out that way. If everyone is so concerned about sex and who's having it, then don't make it verboten to children until we thrust them out into the world on their own!
I realize that parental input is an important part of this, so if we want to break the cycle, someone needs to step forward and make a difference. Sometimes I think that the people that welfare, abortion, poverty, and all the dark parts of life upset the most really wish they could still wall off communities like a leper colony and let them fend for themselves until they die off.
I am venting all of this here since I know no one will read it, know it's me or care that yet another blogger is expressing themselves about the political situation in this country. I do hope that I take the energy that this topic has generated in me and use it to make a difference in the world versus just rolling over and being bitter and futile. If I make enough noise, I will be able to make my own decisions and not have them made for me without input. That's what this is all about, right?
Well, it's time for the Olympics for tonight....go team USA!
Until later....
Annie M.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
I kissed a girl....
I'm sitting here getting ready to go to church where I've been asked to be an elder for the next three years and I'm listening to Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" over and over again. This just shows you the complexity of humanity. Or it shows you that I can compartmentalize with the best of 'em!
So my quandary now is what to do about the person of interest in my life right now. His situation is not clear and free although he's not married or in love. Even saying that means I'm trying to justify my behavior when I know darned well that I need to just walk away. But damn! He's sexy, funny, smart, ambitious, and did I mention sexy? And he wants to spend time with me and tells me these things that make me lose my breath. Could be that he's even freakier than I am. Any one that jumps out of a plane willingly or gets their nipple pierced on a dare likes risk a bit more than me.
So you can see what the dilemma is....live the straight and somewhat narrow now that I am to be a church leader or give into this temptation and spend more time with him. I want to do both, but as in the past I am afraid that if I don't take the opportunity to be with him, it won't come around again and I will regret it. Although more than likely I'll end up feeling much like I did after being with Mike. Alone in a relationship.
Ok, so the strong, rational part of me has decided to stay away. Ignore him and if he gets in touch with me, just explain that with this new development in my life, I can't be in his life until he gets his straightened out. If he doesn't make a move then I know what the answer to "what's he in this for?", won't I?
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't we be like animals and just mate and move on? I suppose being human means we are relational creatures. "No man is an island..." and whatnot. But it's just cruel to have to go through this crap.
So my quandary now is what to do about the person of interest in my life right now. His situation is not clear and free although he's not married or in love. Even saying that means I'm trying to justify my behavior when I know darned well that I need to just walk away. But damn! He's sexy, funny, smart, ambitious, and did I mention sexy? And he wants to spend time with me and tells me these things that make me lose my breath. Could be that he's even freakier than I am. Any one that jumps out of a plane willingly or gets their nipple pierced on a dare likes risk a bit more than me.
So you can see what the dilemma is....live the straight and somewhat narrow now that I am to be a church leader or give into this temptation and spend more time with him. I want to do both, but as in the past I am afraid that if I don't take the opportunity to be with him, it won't come around again and I will regret it. Although more than likely I'll end up feeling much like I did after being with Mike. Alone in a relationship.
Ok, so the strong, rational part of me has decided to stay away. Ignore him and if he gets in touch with me, just explain that with this new development in my life, I can't be in his life until he gets his straightened out. If he doesn't make a move then I know what the answer to "what's he in this for?", won't I?
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't we be like animals and just mate and move on? I suppose being human means we are relational creatures. "No man is an island..." and whatnot. But it's just cruel to have to go through this crap.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
A ski bunny I am not....
Ouch! In so many ways, ouch! I had my very first ski lesson this weekend. Sugar Mountain was busy making snow and Alex wanted to take snowboarding lessons. I figured it was time for me to try something new so I signed up for ski lessons as well. Well, make that a ski lesson. And it was the longest hour of my life. Who knew skiing was so painful? And forget trying to learn how to work the dang lift!!!! I couldn't stay upright for longer than 2 minutes...well except for climbing back up the 30 feet of slope where my lesson took place.
I fell at least 4 times and my mom asked me how my lesson in public humiliation went. I honestly didn't care if people saw me fall. I was trying to not break anything. On my first fall I did feel something pop in both my right hand and my right leg. After that it was about trying to not leave permanent damage. My instructor, Z-, was very helpful and encouraging, but the whole "Now, why do you think you fell?" line of questioning got a bit old. I fell because I lost my balance if you want to know the simple truth. Thirty four years of trying to not lean forward while going down hill rapidly on slicked up pieces of fiberglass is a hard habit to break. And it wasn't one that I was going to learn in that hour.
I don't know that I will be on the slopes again, but at least I've tried it. I have so much respect for those people that make it look so effortless. Ok, the little kids that swooshed by me on the slopes were a bit irritating, but I have to hand it to them...they knew what they were doing. I guess I'm still looking for that something that comes to me effortlessly. It's like trying on tons of dresses to find the perfect one for the party/dance/prom/wedding. Each one is a lesson learned I suppose.
I am still limping from the lesson so it's great that I have the next two days off to recuperate. Of course, I'm supposed to be decorating the house for the holidays, but the tree is more than I can handle when I have two good legs so that might have to wait a bit. I will get some of the lesser decorations out and purge while no one is hovering over me. Letting go of the past is a lot like a garage sale. Once it's gone, you really do have more room for new stuff!
So I'm off to think about some more stuff I am wanting to let go of, including the vision of me as a world medalist ski champion. Maybe I should stick with cross country skiing...no big slopes to fall down. Let me get healed up from this last episode and I will try again.
Until later...
Annie M.
I fell at least 4 times and my mom asked me how my lesson in public humiliation went. I honestly didn't care if people saw me fall. I was trying to not break anything. On my first fall I did feel something pop in both my right hand and my right leg. After that it was about trying to not leave permanent damage. My instructor, Z-, was very helpful and encouraging, but the whole "Now, why do you think you fell?" line of questioning got a bit old. I fell because I lost my balance if you want to know the simple truth. Thirty four years of trying to not lean forward while going down hill rapidly on slicked up pieces of fiberglass is a hard habit to break. And it wasn't one that I was going to learn in that hour.
I don't know that I will be on the slopes again, but at least I've tried it. I have so much respect for those people that make it look so effortless. Ok, the little kids that swooshed by me on the slopes were a bit irritating, but I have to hand it to them...they knew what they were doing. I guess I'm still looking for that something that comes to me effortlessly. It's like trying on tons of dresses to find the perfect one for the party/dance/prom/wedding. Each one is a lesson learned I suppose.
I am still limping from the lesson so it's great that I have the next two days off to recuperate. Of course, I'm supposed to be decorating the house for the holidays, but the tree is more than I can handle when I have two good legs so that might have to wait a bit. I will get some of the lesser decorations out and purge while no one is hovering over me. Letting go of the past is a lot like a garage sale. Once it's gone, you really do have more room for new stuff!
So I'm off to think about some more stuff I am wanting to let go of, including the vision of me as a world medalist ski champion. Maybe I should stick with cross country skiing...no big slopes to fall down. Let me get healed up from this last episode and I will try again.
Until later...
Annie M.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Busy Day
What a busy day I've had! First there were cooking lessons for Taylor on the right way to make bacon...yeah, that was my mom teaching her how to do it since I only know how to order bacon. Then it was laundry and get the kids dressed and ready for travel. We rode bikes and got fresh air and interacted with others. Joe is really improving on the bike with help from mom and grandma.
Once we got home, I started on making chocolate chip cookies. I was going to make them for the work function last week, but felt I shouldn't be killing myself for people that wouldn't appreciate it. So I saved it for the weekend. The kids came in every 1/2 hour to see if they could have one as I was making them. Even my mom called it torture to have the smell of fresh baked cookies going through the house and not being allowed to eat any.
While the cookies were baking, I'd have 9 minutes to do something so I elected to go through my hijacked blog entries and see if I wanted to post them here. I did. Mostly because I didn't want to lose some of what I'd written and because I wanted to lay claim to my words and my ideas. It was interesting to read through and relive some of the things that have happened over the last year. I'm very glad that a lot of what I wrote is gone forever. That way I am able to really start fresh. Slight reminders are ok, all encompassing dwelling, not ok.
So now, the kids are all chocked full of sugar, the house is overly warm and slightly buttery smelling and I feel refreshed from spending the afternoon reading, editing and writing. I will be spending the evening working on getting some technical stuff set up with a friend, then luxuriating in a warm bath and calling it a good day.
Until later....
Annie M.
Once we got home, I started on making chocolate chip cookies. I was going to make them for the work function last week, but felt I shouldn't be killing myself for people that wouldn't appreciate it. So I saved it for the weekend. The kids came in every 1/2 hour to see if they could have one as I was making them. Even my mom called it torture to have the smell of fresh baked cookies going through the house and not being allowed to eat any.
While the cookies were baking, I'd have 9 minutes to do something so I elected to go through my hijacked blog entries and see if I wanted to post them here. I did. Mostly because I didn't want to lose some of what I'd written and because I wanted to lay claim to my words and my ideas. It was interesting to read through and relive some of the things that have happened over the last year. I'm very glad that a lot of what I wrote is gone forever. That way I am able to really start fresh. Slight reminders are ok, all encompassing dwelling, not ok.
So now, the kids are all chocked full of sugar, the house is overly warm and slightly buttery smelling and I feel refreshed from spending the afternoon reading, editing and writing. I will be spending the evening working on getting some technical stuff set up with a friend, then luxuriating in a warm bath and calling it a good day.
Until later....
Annie M.
Gratitude Listing - 10/29/06
I've been promising to myself that I would do a catch up listing of things I am grateful for. I've decided to do 5 things for each day of October that has transpired so far. These are in no particular order and hopefully I'll get the math right on 29 x 5 (145?). I hope some of the things on this list inspire you to write your own gratitude list!
1. My kids - love, joy, humor, amazement
2. Sunny fall days-crisp air, leaves falling, a sense of accomplishment on another year passed
3. Sunny spring days - anticipation, new beginnings, growth
4. A cool bottle of water after working out
5. All the colors in nature
6. Affectionate cats
7. A freshly made bed to crawl into for a nap on a sunny spring/fall afternoon.
8. The ability to express myself
9. The liberty to express myself
10. Ice cream
11. Diet Pepsi
12. An easy commute into work when I least expect it.
13. Good friends
14. Butterflies
15. Hummingbirds
16. The wind in the trees
17. Elastic waist shorts
18. My gray hair
19. Faux fur
20. Pretty shoes
21. Comfy slippers
22. Sexy lingerie
23. Good sense
24. My mom
25. Cell phones
26. Hallmark greeting cards
27. The internet
28. Email
29. My 10th grade requirement of typing class
30. Learning a foreign language
31. The variety of chicken art available in this world
32. Paint by numbers
33. That my car starts every morning
34. That I start every morning
35. That everyone I love makes it safely through another day
36. Road maps
37. Highways for speedy travel
38. Byways for interesting travel
39. Antique shops
40. History books
41. PBS
42. DVD players
43. Music
44. Laughter
45. Good jokes
46. Intelligence
47. Cute babies
48. Attractive men
49. Couples in love
50. Strong women in my family
51. Being an American
52. Ability to pick up a book on practically anything at the local bookstore
53. Reading with my youngest son
54. Exercising with my kids
55. Learning new things
56. My alarm clock (auto sets for daylight savings!)
57. The house I am able to provide for myself and my kids
58. That I have a car and don't need to take the bus everywhere
59. Pretty views
60. Good movies
61. Good TV
62. Exciting football games
63. Staying alive in survival fantasy football for another week
64. Cooking a good meal for my family
65. Swimming pools
66. The ocean
67. Good books
68. Inspirational quotes
69. Motivational chat rooms
70. Catalogs
71. Online shopping
72. Sales
73. The perfect song on the radio
74. My iPod
75. My replacement iPod
76. Laptop computers
77. The concept of wireless (never has worked for me)
78. Microwaves
79. Dishwashers
80. Favorite restaurants
81. ATM's
82. Matchmakers
83. Anticipation of a good thing
84. Traveling
85. Indoor plumbing (I know this has been mentioned before, but really can we be too grateful for this one?)
86. Kids' soccer leagues
87. Golf courses
88. Riding lawn mowers (again conceptually I'm glad it exists, even if I've never used one)
89. Physical strength
90. Pretty toe nail polish
91. Spa pedicures
92. Acrylic nails
93. Nice smelling candles
94. Nice smelling shampoo
95. Being an individual
96. Wind chimes
97. Jasmine
98. Gardenias
99. Dryer sheets
100. Chocolate
101. My favorite gum
102. Challenging work
103. Crayons
104. Coloring books
105. My ex husband for giving me Alex and Taylor
106. Joe's father for helping to make Joe
107. The folks that gave me my first job out of college (the first time)
108. Naps
109. Voice mail
110. Personality tests
111. Good bumper stickers
112. A good walk
113. A good run
114. A nice drive
115. Flying somewhere exotic
116. Flying somewhere new
117. Packing for a trip
118. Good pillows
119. Feather beds
120. Pretty jewelry
121. Good neighbors
122. Christmas decorations
123. Halloween candy
124. Thanksgiving dinner
125. Holiday traditions
126. Easter - sense of renewal....and the candy
127. Growing up at the beach
128. Getting my driver's license with help from Sear's
129. Shoe stores
130. Victoria's Secret stores
131. Classical music
132. Frederick's lingerie stores
133. Massages
134. Facials
135. Soft pretzels
136. Step moms
137. Good artwork
138. Pretty furniture
139. Birds chirping
140. Rain storms
141. Snow
142. Spring
143. The grower's market in Loganville
144. Walmart
145. Bedtimes
Ok, that pretty much ran the gamut from A-Z as far as topics. I'll try to keep up with 5 per day. Wish me luck.
Until next time....
Annie M.
1. My kids - love, joy, humor, amazement
2. Sunny fall days-crisp air, leaves falling, a sense of accomplishment on another year passed
3. Sunny spring days - anticipation, new beginnings, growth
4. A cool bottle of water after working out
5. All the colors in nature
6. Affectionate cats
7. A freshly made bed to crawl into for a nap on a sunny spring/fall afternoon.
8. The ability to express myself
9. The liberty to express myself
10. Ice cream
11. Diet Pepsi
12. An easy commute into work when I least expect it.
13. Good friends
14. Butterflies
15. Hummingbirds
16. The wind in the trees
17. Elastic waist shorts
18. My gray hair
19. Faux fur
20. Pretty shoes
21. Comfy slippers
22. Sexy lingerie
23. Good sense
24. My mom
25. Cell phones
26. Hallmark greeting cards
27. The internet
28. Email
29. My 10th grade requirement of typing class
30. Learning a foreign language
31. The variety of chicken art available in this world
32. Paint by numbers
33. That my car starts every morning
34. That I start every morning
35. That everyone I love makes it safely through another day
36. Road maps
37. Highways for speedy travel
38. Byways for interesting travel
39. Antique shops
40. History books
41. PBS
42. DVD players
43. Music
44. Laughter
45. Good jokes
46. Intelligence
47. Cute babies
48. Attractive men
49. Couples in love
50. Strong women in my family
51. Being an American
52. Ability to pick up a book on practically anything at the local bookstore
53. Reading with my youngest son
54. Exercising with my kids
55. Learning new things
56. My alarm clock (auto sets for daylight savings!)
57. The house I am able to provide for myself and my kids
58. That I have a car and don't need to take the bus everywhere
59. Pretty views
60. Good movies
61. Good TV
62. Exciting football games
63. Staying alive in survival fantasy football for another week
64. Cooking a good meal for my family
65. Swimming pools
66. The ocean
67. Good books
68. Inspirational quotes
69. Motivational chat rooms
70. Catalogs
71. Online shopping
72. Sales
73. The perfect song on the radio
74. My iPod
75. My replacement iPod
76. Laptop computers
77. The concept of wireless (never has worked for me)
78. Microwaves
79. Dishwashers
80. Favorite restaurants
81. ATM's
82. Matchmakers
83. Anticipation of a good thing
84. Traveling
85. Indoor plumbing (I know this has been mentioned before, but really can we be too grateful for this one?)
86. Kids' soccer leagues
87. Golf courses
88. Riding lawn mowers (again conceptually I'm glad it exists, even if I've never used one)
89. Physical strength
90. Pretty toe nail polish
91. Spa pedicures
92. Acrylic nails
93. Nice smelling candles
94. Nice smelling shampoo
95. Being an individual
96. Wind chimes
97. Jasmine
98. Gardenias
99. Dryer sheets
100. Chocolate
101. My favorite gum
102. Challenging work
103. Crayons
104. Coloring books
105. My ex husband for giving me Alex and Taylor
106. Joe's father for helping to make Joe
107. The folks that gave me my first job out of college (the first time)
108. Naps
109. Voice mail
110. Personality tests
111. Good bumper stickers
112. A good walk
113. A good run
114. A nice drive
115. Flying somewhere exotic
116. Flying somewhere new
117. Packing for a trip
118. Good pillows
119. Feather beds
120. Pretty jewelry
121. Good neighbors
122. Christmas decorations
123. Halloween candy
124. Thanksgiving dinner
125. Holiday traditions
126. Easter - sense of renewal....and the candy
127. Growing up at the beach
128. Getting my driver's license with help from Sear's
129. Shoe stores
130. Victoria's Secret stores
131. Classical music
132. Frederick's lingerie stores
133. Massages
134. Facials
135. Soft pretzels
136. Step moms
137. Good artwork
138. Pretty furniture
139. Birds chirping
140. Rain storms
141. Snow
142. Spring
143. The grower's market in Loganville
144. Walmart
145. Bedtimes
Ok, that pretty much ran the gamut from A-Z as far as topics. I'll try to keep up with 5 per day. Wish me luck.
Until next time....
Annie M.
10% Change - 11/10/06
I read recently that any change made in your life greater than 10% whether it's good or bad, will affect your health by reducing your immune system's ability to fight infection. Well, I've had a cold for several weeks now, but it's finally moved up to my throat and head to make me truly miserable. After reading that, all the women that post on the CYLC boards that complain of being sick...guess what???? Making changes too quickly apparently.
Well, I think this week I've made some pretty drastic changes. Or some were made for me. I was 'terminated for insubordination' from the office where I'd dedicated 2+ years of my life to the point where I'd stopped accruing time off because I'd reached the limit. Ok, so that is all the pity party I'm going to have for myself on this point. I've been heading in the direction that I needed to leave there, this just forced my hand. I was actually relieved yesterday when I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that was going on there. I could read my book or watch a movie if I wanted to without feeling like there was some work related task I should have been doing instead. Is that crazy or what?
Not that I did those things...I spent hours trying to get my old '98 box up and running with internet connectivity and all my programs on it. My printer laughed at me when I tried to install it on this computer. Apparently the printer alone needs twice the memory that this thing has available to it. Then later, I tried to install my iTunes on it. Again, there was chuckling in the background when I got the message that I needed an operating system from this century to be able to operate that. Two down, I wasn't about to try for a third.
I also spent time getting my files off of the work laptop that I conveniently didn't bring into the office during the week. I only took off my personal files including my iTunes. I had bought blank CD's the week before out of the blue (or was it?) so I was able to get everything to disk if not to the dinosaur that is my home information network now. Once that was done, I spent time looking for jobs, updating my resume and getting in touch with the 1/2 dozen recruiters that had left messages for me in the last two months. I'm not worried that I won't find a new job in the next week. I'm worried about the lag between getting my last check and getting the first check at the new job. I told Mike that I am pretty much in God's hands now since I have no savings and no income at the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be all stressed out or what, but I'm not. I'm relatively calm...almost scary calm. Of course that could be the Nyquil talking, but I don't think so. I think I react opposite to the norm on just about everything. I get fanatic about the little things and am very blase about the big things. That's just how I am I suppose. I still plan to go on my vacation with my mom in 10 days. The tickets are bought, I wasn't expected to pay for much on that anyway besides the shuttle to the hotel that first morning and the various postcards I was going to send to friends. It just occurred to me...will they have Diet Pepsi there????? What'll I do??? Dear Lord! I might have to rethink this whole episode!!!!
Well, if they have enough guys that look like Ewan MacGregor there with a lovely British accent speaking to me, I think I can get over the lack of Diet Pepsi there. BTW, I tried to abbreviate Diet Pepsi but just couldn't since I know there is a very dirty, dirty, dirty other meaning to (DP)...Gayle are you blushing??????
I signed up for a matchmaker before my last entry. I wish I could say it's been worth the money, but I've only had two matches and the first one was ick (and late) and the second one hasn't occurred yet since he rescheduled and then all of my stuff happened (in addition to the cold). Hopefully, we can meet next week and I can go to London on a high note...or at least some sort of high. Well it's 1 AM and I am worn out. Getting up late, taking my time getting out of the house, spending the day doing job searching, phone answering and basically whatever else I want to do can really take a toll on ya! I will try to get online more frequently since I am totally on my time, I could truly make an entry every hour. But that would get old after a while and then I'd drop it like I do everything else.
OK, so now the pity party is truly over. I do plan to write for at least an hour a day...on the Great American Novel....or at least something Harlequin would publish. She's a virgin and beautiful and he's manly and untamed and together they take in the poor abandoned children and live happily ever after. Kind of like Brad and Angelina except with virginity in it! Yeah, even I don't think I'm that creative.
Have a great Saturday!
Until later.....
Annie M.
Well, I think this week I've made some pretty drastic changes. Or some were made for me. I was 'terminated for insubordination' from the office where I'd dedicated 2+ years of my life to the point where I'd stopped accruing time off because I'd reached the limit. Ok, so that is all the pity party I'm going to have for myself on this point. I've been heading in the direction that I needed to leave there, this just forced my hand. I was actually relieved yesterday when I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that was going on there. I could read my book or watch a movie if I wanted to without feeling like there was some work related task I should have been doing instead. Is that crazy or what?
Not that I did those things...I spent hours trying to get my old '98 box up and running with internet connectivity and all my programs on it. My printer laughed at me when I tried to install it on this computer. Apparently the printer alone needs twice the memory that this thing has available to it. Then later, I tried to install my iTunes on it. Again, there was chuckling in the background when I got the message that I needed an operating system from this century to be able to operate that. Two down, I wasn't about to try for a third.
I also spent time getting my files off of the work laptop that I conveniently didn't bring into the office during the week. I only took off my personal files including my iTunes. I had bought blank CD's the week before out of the blue (or was it?) so I was able to get everything to disk if not to the dinosaur that is my home information network now. Once that was done, I spent time looking for jobs, updating my resume and getting in touch with the 1/2 dozen recruiters that had left messages for me in the last two months. I'm not worried that I won't find a new job in the next week. I'm worried about the lag between getting my last check and getting the first check at the new job. I told Mike that I am pretty much in God's hands now since I have no savings and no income at the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be all stressed out or what, but I'm not. I'm relatively calm...almost scary calm. Of course that could be the Nyquil talking, but I don't think so. I think I react opposite to the norm on just about everything. I get fanatic about the little things and am very blase about the big things. That's just how I am I suppose. I still plan to go on my vacation with my mom in 10 days. The tickets are bought, I wasn't expected to pay for much on that anyway besides the shuttle to the hotel that first morning and the various postcards I was going to send to friends. It just occurred to me...will they have Diet Pepsi there????? What'll I do??? Dear Lord! I might have to rethink this whole episode!!!!
Well, if they have enough guys that look like Ewan MacGregor there with a lovely British accent speaking to me, I think I can get over the lack of Diet Pepsi there. BTW, I tried to abbreviate Diet Pepsi but just couldn't since I know there is a very dirty, dirty, dirty other meaning to (DP)...Gayle are you blushing??????
I signed up for a matchmaker before my last entry. I wish I could say it's been worth the money, but I've only had two matches and the first one was ick (and late) and the second one hasn't occurred yet since he rescheduled and then all of my stuff happened (in addition to the cold). Hopefully, we can meet next week and I can go to London on a high note...or at least some sort of high. Well it's 1 AM and I am worn out. Getting up late, taking my time getting out of the house, spending the day doing job searching, phone answering and basically whatever else I want to do can really take a toll on ya! I will try to get online more frequently since I am totally on my time, I could truly make an entry every hour. But that would get old after a while and then I'd drop it like I do everything else.
OK, so now the pity party is truly over. I do plan to write for at least an hour a day...on the Great American Novel....or at least something Harlequin would publish. She's a virgin and beautiful and he's manly and untamed and together they take in the poor abandoned children and live happily ever after. Kind of like Brad and Angelina except with virginity in it! Yeah, even I don't think I'm that creative.
Have a great Saturday!
Until later.....
Annie M.
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